JennyPenny Blog

I completely forgot I was supposed to go to an IVF orientation at the RE's office on Monday night. With my grandfather passing away and all of the services at the end of the week/into the weekend- it just slipped my mind. I hope they aren't PO'ed. Oh well.

Just a couple more days until my consult with Dr. K. I can't wait to finally get this show on the road. Say a prayer that my cysts have shrunk!

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I hate that I have to sit this cycle out. I just want to move on and figure out my next step already. It's so frustrating!!! And these stupid cysts BETTER be disappearing so they don't make me wait even LONGER!!

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What a looong week it has been. I am glad it is over.

My grandfather passed away after much suffering on Monday, October 20th. The arrangements were made, and the wakes were on Thursday evening, Friday afternoon and evening, and the funeral was on Saturday.

The hardest part is seeing the person lying in a casket for the first time. I hadn't seen him since my wedding, so even though I knew what to expect, it still feels like a punch in the stomach. Once the initial shock is over, though, it's easier to talk to relatives and friends, take a stroll down memory lane, look at all of the pictures that are displayed. I DO find it a strange tradition, to just hang out and socialize while there is a dead body lying in the front of the room. I wonder where that came from?

Friday was a long and exhausting day. We were at the funeral home for most of the day, and in between viewings we went to my aunts house to eat. Her house was 20 minutes away from the funeral home, and we only had about 2 hours in between. Lots of rushing around. DH met me at the funeral home for the evening service, because he couldn't miss work during the day. Afterwards we went to the diner and got home about 11.

Saturday was also a difficult day. We had to be back at the funeral home by 8 to say our final goodbyes. It was so sad- especially seeing my dad's face crumple. Then we were off to the church for the mass, and when that was done- we went to the cemetary. They did the final service inside a little chapel, and when the priest was done, everybody went up to the casket and put a single rose on top of it. Everybody cried as they put down their flower- and then it was his wife's turn. She held it together for most of the week, only crying a little occasionally. It was this final moment that she had to say goodbye that she really let go, with all of us there to watch her.
She was hugging and kissing the coffin and saying "I love you". It was unbearable to see. I felt so bad for her.

After the final service we went to the Southward Ho Country Club for a luncheon. It was delicious. At around two o'clock, DH and I finally went home to take a nap and clean our apartment so my sister and BIL and their SIL and Brother could come over for a game night, which turned out to be boring and sleepy.

Yesterday was just a relaxing day for me. Hung around all day, watched Desperate Housewives last night.




*On a fertility note*:

Today is CD 14. I wanted to try to do a natural cycle since I can't do any meds due to the 5 cysts and enlarged ovaries I still have. So I called last week to schedule blood and sono for today to check for any impending ovulation. The nurse wanted to check with Dr. K, and he said not to do a natural cycle. He wanted me to schedule an appointment with him to discuss IVF.
So I scheduled that for Monday, November 3rd. If we are approved for the grant that they do- it goes by our 2007 tax returns, and we made practically NOTHING last year- so one cyle of IVF would be pretty cheap for us. If it didn't work the first time, we would have to do a bunch of IUI's because since we made so much more in 2008, the cost of IVF would be alot higher. Insurance covers nothing.

So- I guess we shall see what happens. Right now all I can do is wait to get AF.

That's all for now.

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He has been complaining spratically for a couple of months now, and I think it's just getting worse. I threatened to call the doctor myself, and drag him there if I had to, but he woke up yesterday morning and must've been in enough pain to call himself. He hasn't been in agony, so hopefully it's nothing too serious. I'm still really worried, though- I mean, can we really handle anything else? He is going to the doctor tonight- so I will update later on.

I decided that I will hold off on OPKs until Monday. That will be CD 14 and I just put a call in the the RE to see if I could go in for BW and a sono to see if I am even close to ovulating. I figure they can check on the cysts while there in there too.

If I have any follies, I will either schedule more BW and sono- or start OPKs. If they grow- I can do a cycle au naturale. I'm doubting it- but we shall see.


The services for my grandfather are Thursday evening, Friday- day and night, and the burial is Saturday. My dad came home last night, and into work this morning. He was crying and that makes me so much sadder.

My mom, sister, nana and I made reservations for a small, intense reading with a psychic medium- Josephine Ghiringhelli. We have seen her before and she is awesome. It is $80 and you are guaranteed a reading. I can't wait- it isn't until December 9th. Boo.

Tonight is my exciting excel class. woo hoo. I am not looking forward to that.

My MIL ordered me the 30 day shred and it should be here by the end of the week. I am excited to start!

Anyway- that's all for now.

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About 5 minutes after I wrote yesterday's blog, my sister and I got the call at work that my grandfather had passed away. It was not shocking- because we were waiting for it. But for some reason, it still surprised me- as if I didn't really believe it would happen.

The strange thing is that he died on my aunt's year anniversary of her passing. And my father said that the sun came through his wondow and as it covered his face in sunlight- he took his last breath. I truly hope that was his family welcoming him to heaven.

The arrangements have already been made, the wake will be Thursday and Friday- burial on Saturday. This weekend is going to suck.








On another note:

DH and I re-did our bedroom, painted, cleaned, moved furniture. I love it now. The color was called *Tunnel of Love* and is like a smokey purpleish color. I will post a picture asap.

My eyes are getting better. I will be putting my contacts in starting tomorrow. WooHoo!

I am ordering OPKs today. It might be ridiculous to believe that it COULD happen naturally again, but ya never know....right?

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So, I spoke to my dad before, and he told me that the hospice nurse said she's gives my grandfather another 12 hours until he passes. So now- my sister and I are just waiting for the dreaded call. We were discussing it today, and decided that although we know it's coming, we still will not be prepared when it does.

I hate not being there to say goodbye. I was there everyday for a month when my other grandfather was in the hospital before he passed away. I was there for my aunt who passed away one year ago today. I just feel like I SHOULD be there. And it is so hard thinking that it's better off that i'm not.

It always surprises me when I hear my dad with sadness in his voice- and I can tell he's been crying. He is by no means *strong as an ox* or anything like that. In fact- he's a big mush with many emotions. It is just a sad feeling knowing that there is nothing I can do to make him feel better, the way he's done for me so many times over the years.

I pray that my grandfather slips away with no pain.

I love you grandpa.

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I woke up this morning with what can only be pink eye in- not one - but BOTH of my eyes. And of course Friday is the day my eye doctor is closed. So, I will soon be on my way to the regular doctor to get prescription eye drops.

My grandfather is not doing well at all. My father left this morning to go to NC and all of my aunts are there. Now my uncle and cousin are also going. It is only a 10 hour drive so I am considering going- but I don't know if I should because he doesn't know anyone is there, and my sister has to drop my mom off at the airport in the morning and we would have to come back on Monday- or by Monday. I wish more than anything that he didn't live so far away. I hate this. It's just so sad.

On a fertility note, I have decided to just use OPKs this month, and see what happens. You never know- maybe I will get lucky!


That's all for now. Please say a prayer for my grandfather and my family.

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So- I went to get my CD3 monitoring done bright and early this morning. The result was not a happy one. I was pretty excited to start all over again with a fresh -and hopefully successful- cycle. Unfortunately, my life blows, and nothing works how I want it to.

Apparently, I still have 5 huge cysts and enlarged ovaries. Lucky me. I was instructed to do no exercise and no jumping or dancing around for at least a month. I call with the next CD1 and re-check the cysts. If they have gone done, we can begin. If not- then we wait some more. If AF does not show- then I wait 30 days, then call and start Provera. No- November 12th it is, because AF NEVER comes unless formally invited by a huge dose of hormones. That biotch.

So- of course when I text messaged DH on my way to work to report that I officially hated my body- and that I was still at risk of twisting an ovary so I reported my instructions to him. His response?

"Oh $hit- no dancing? That sux."


This is his response to his wife- who probably dances-only when she is drunk enough- maybe 3 times a year.

So, the saddest part of all of this- to him- is that he will not see me dancing around the apartment anytime soon.

Everyone keeps telling me that it will happen. And stupidly, I keep believing them. Month after month I have renwed hope, and month after month the crap gets thrown in my face again. Sounds gross- but that's how it seems.

Although, this "break" I guess could not have come at a better time. My grandfather down in North Carolina has been very sick. He was recently sent home from the hospital and hospice is being sent in. I pray that he will be alright- but I am also realistic. If something happens to him anytime soon, I will be sad enough without the burden of monitoring 6 times a week and timing IUIs and such. So- I suppose that is the silver lining- even though it all stinks.
I feel awful for my dad. It's unfortunate that my grandfather moved away years ago. Now it is so difficult to go see him because it's so expensive. My dad is going to see him this weekend and it is $500.00 per ticket! That is just insane. But what can ya do?

On a lighter note- since I am on a *30* day hiatus from TTC- my blog will have to be the ramblings of my daily life. Hope you all enjoy!

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Boo. She showed up late this morning, although I was expecting her- so I was prepared. I scheduled CD3 testing for Thursday- so hopefully I will be starting the follistim again that day, also.

I went to DH's cousin's wedding in Massachusetts from Sat-Sun. It was a good time, we got to see his dad's side of the family- who we never get to see. The wedding was a little strange, but nice.

"I just have to say that I am very disappointed with the TTC board. Apparently, since I TOO am uncomfortable with pregnancy updates on MY personal "safe haven" then I should stay away from this board. It truly bothers me the way many of the ladies on this board treated someone with an honest feeling. They were right to make a secret name- because they WERE attacked- and probably knew they would be. How is it that you know that this person was new? Didn't know Jess for awhile? Had been trying themselves for a long time? I don't understand why she was flamed the way she was for simply stating that the updates made her feel uncomfortable. It is not fair the way everyone reacted. She never named names or pointed anyone out. You all automatically assumed.

Guess what? I am very happy for ALL of the BFP's. But I am not a fan of ANYBODY'S pregnancy updates on the TTC board. Personally- I avoid them most of the time. There is a place for those. If you want them from someone- that is what FM is for. And I am not new to this and have been on these boards with alot of the girls for awhile now too. I have been trying for 2 1/2 years or so. When I see the updates- sometimes it hits close to home. What if it had been me posting that particular question? Would I be flamed, also? I would hope not.

I do not think I will be frequenting this board as much anymore. I loved the support I got from you ladies, but my sister was made to feel unwanted, and since I do not support the pregnancy updates- I will probably be unwelcome as well. I don't mean this to be a drama-riffic post. It just really bothered me what some of the reactions from the ladies here were."


That is all I have to say today.

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I am feeling much better today. I went to Friendly's last night with DH and FIL and his wife. It took my mind off of things. DH made me laugh a lot. When he isn't being annoying (lol) I thank God I have him by my side.

I did the obsessive POASer thing yesterday and cracked the test stick open, and when I got home last night I fished out the little paper that the lines show up on. There was an incredibly faint second line- but considering how long after it was- I am assuming it's just an evaporation line. I am certainly not going to get myself all worked up and excited over something so rediculous.

Today I am in a different mindset- where I just can't wait for AF to come so I can start all over again with the injections and bloodwork and sonos. I am excited at the possibility that next month may be MY month.

I have also decided that I will do 2 or 3 (whichever brings me to January) more IUI's, before I start researching my options for IVF. Whether or not the meds would be covered by my insurance (which would make a huge difference), if there are payment plans, etc. So- that's my plan for now. Hopefully (fingers crossed) it won't get to that point.


Oh- and I will be testing again tomorrow morning- just in case =)

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I feel okay one minute, and the next, I feel like I am drowning in the infertility nightmare.

Women who have been at it longer or have gone further into treatments or who have zero chance at all probably would think i'm nuts. But I feel like i'm never getting anywhere in this never-ending maze of doctors and treatments and medications and pain and surgeries and sonograms and bloodwork. I'm just so tired and almost feel betrayed that the people in my family who passed away aren't snapping their fingers up in heaven to finally fix my broken heart by allowing me to have what i've been longing for for so long. And then I think that's so silly because if that were the case- nobody would be suffering from this awful, cruel thing called infertility. I just want to scream and cry and kick someone. I want to yell at that person that I don't want to feel like a failure as a woman anymore because I can't attain a pregnancy. 28 million sperm can't penetrate one of my 3 apparently iron-clad eggs. The one pregnancy I did manage to have- I, of course, was unable to hold onto my child. I don't want to feel guilty that I can't give my husband a baby. I'm tired of feeling jealous of all the girls around me getting pregnant at the snap of a finger, or angry at the women who truly do not deserve to be mothers. I yell at God asking why them and not me?? What have I done to deserve this???

Then I hate myself for all of the self pity I feel when so many women are going through the same thing at this very moment. Or- they are going through something much worse.

I am trying so hard to put on a happy face and keep up the positive attitude. Everyone tells me - "so-you try again!"- like i'm trying to perfect the baking of a difficult cake and my first attempt burned to a crisp. The reality is- I KNOW I will try again. I will stop at nothing to become a mother, I don't care what it takes. I just wanted it to work THIS time, not next time. It just hurts in a way that no one would understand until they have put on the same brave face I have on- when on the inside they are screaming, trying to claw their way through to the light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel.

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Maybe I was crazy to think that maybe, just maybe I had a shot at this working the first time. Yesterday, though, I could tell that my boobs weren't at sore as they have been, and my back didn't hurt and I wasn't completely exhausted. So I pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant and that I wanted to know either way so I could move on. So on my way home from my class, I stopped at CVS and bought a 2 pack of HPTs.

I decided to test this morning, and waited until DH was out of the house, so that if it WAS positive, I would have all day to plan something special to tell him. He finally left, thank God, because my bladder was going to explode.

I thought to myself- "here goes nothing" as I dipped the stick. I put it on the counter and turned away from it, for about thirty seconds. When I looked back I saw one bright pink line, and that's it. Nothing but white next to it. At that moment I was glad I prepped myself, because I didn't cry- I just thought it figures. It's only been about an hour and a half since I did the test, and my eyes have welled up about half a million times already. I keep yelling at myself (literally) to get over it.

It just figures that last night I had a dream that the test was positive and when I woke up I was really disappointed. I was so into it and I truly thought it was real. My sister said it's Murphy's Law or something like that. I hate that Murphy character.

I technically wasn't supposed to test until Sunday so I will call the RE on Sunday morning to find out what I have to do next.

Back to the drawing board.

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Well- I made it into the testing zone. I could test from here on out and get a BFP (or, of course, a BFN). I went to CVS last night to pick up prescriptions, and I was sooo tempted to throw in some HPTs, but I stood my ground and just walked past them (yay!)

Now I am thinking I will test tomorrow, at 11DPIUI. I am not sure how I am feeling. Since I found out I will definately get AF if i'm not pregnant, because I used drugs to force ovulation, the symptoms i've had could go either way. I think at this point I just want to know now, so I can follow up with the RE, regardless of the outcome. I am really nervous about seeing a negative. I keep thinking to myself that it definately could be negative, and not to get my hopes up- but I know if I see one- I will be sad.

I started a diet today. I would like to shed some extra weight, or just be healthier- instead of eating like a heifer and not moving around at all. We'll se how it works out.

After work today I will be going to a training class for work until 7:15. By the time I get home it will be about 7:40, and then I will eat a quick dinner, and maybe try to persuade DH to go for a walk. Maybe we will walk to CVS and pick up an HPT. Or maybe not. I want to know, but I also want to hold onto the hope that it COULD BE, ya know? ugh- I hate infertility. It truly makes me sad.

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I am trying to convince myself to wait until this weekend to test, when technically- I could test tomorrow. The last time I was pregnant, I got a BFP on 10 DPO. I really want to hold off, though. I am afraid of the disappointment I will feel if it's a BFN. This weekend I am traveling to Massachusetts for DH's cousins' wedding. We are leaving Sunday and coming home Monday. I don't want to test before the wedding and then be sad because it's negative. But if I wait, that's a whole 'nother week away!
So many decisions.

My boobs are still pretty sore, and I haven't been sleeping well at all. Tossing and turning all night, vivid dreams...and I know this is totally cliche, but I was craving pickles all day on Sunday and yesterday. My mouth is watering just thinking about them. Of course, this stemmed from me seeing pickles at the supermarket, and it's probably all in my head..lol.

I'm feeling much better today than I did over the weekend, with all my crazy cysts. I took yesterday off of work, and wish I was home today, also.

My sister has been on a diet and has been doing an awesome job counting calories/nutrients and started herself on an exercise program. Nows probably not the time to start counting calories since I am TTC, but no harm in trying to be healthier, right? So I will start today, just modifying my diet a bit, and when my ovaries are back to normal, I will start exercising again, also.

On a different note, my grandfather has been very sick, and I don't think we have much time left with him. He lives in North Carolina, and I wish he lived closer so we could go see him. It's not easy to get on a plane and fly there- it's very expensive. I'm praying for him.

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So I went in for a sono today. Turns out I have 2 hemogeliac (?) cysts- one on each side. The NP explained this as bleeding on the ovary. Plus, several regular cysts on each side and enlarged ovaries. She said to me- "I cannot believe you are sitting here calmly right now". I was instructed to follow these instructions:

No Bending
No Lifting
No Exercising
No standing for a long period of time
No Vacuuming (or scrubbing or anything)
Take Tylenol

Failure to comply could result in twisting of the ovaries- which is just excrutiating pain.

I don't know why this happened. I guess i'm just lucky.

The good news is that it wouldn't have interfered with any baby making that may have been going on in there, which is a relief.

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I am getting closer to D-day and i'm not sure how i'm feeling about wether or not this IUI worked. My boobs are still a little sore, my nipples are darker and perma-hard, my face is still broken out, and I have this heavy, uncomfortable feeling in my lower abdomen. I am actually home from work today because I am going to try to get to the doctor for the weird pain in my belly. Some have told me it could be OHSS, some have said pregnancy. Who knows?

This past weekend went by pretty quickly, thank God. I did some food shopping, cleaned the apartment a little, finally watched Flightplan (which was okay- not something i'd see again) did some laundry and hung around with Hubby. That's all- nothing too exciting.

Since I am home from work I am going to call/possibly go to the doctor, get the rest of my laundry done, clean my bathroom and 2nd bedroom, and finish filling out thank you cards.

I want to say congratulations to all of the girls on the TTC board who recently got their BFP's. I am sincerely happy for all of you.

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My face is breaking out like a hormonal teenager and my boobs are very slightly sore. Part of me wants to think that's a good sign, but part of me is thinking it could still be the trigger shot. Like usual- only time will tell.

I called up a radio station this morning for their psychic friday, and got through for the first time ever. I have probably tried getting through maybe 7 other times in the past year or two. Anyway- it was a very quick, between other phone calls type of thing, and she answered the phone and asked what my question was. I told her I have been trying to get pregnant, and was hoping she could tell me something about that. She asked who "Steve" was and if he was close by. I told her that was my father's name, and that I worked for him- and was right around the block. She asked if his mother (my grandmother) was passed and I told her yes. She said- "well she wants me to tell you that she is watching over you, and you will get pregnant- hang in there"

How cool is that? I mean- She could've just been saying that to make me happy, but how would she pull my dad's name out of thin air? I was excited!

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This is definately proving to be the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day is draaaaging on and on- and it doesn't help that I have nothing to keep me busy at work.

Only 8 more days until I CAN test- but I may wait 11 days until I come back from DH's cousin's wedding in Massachusetts. I don't want to be sad for that if it ends up being BFN.

I have this huge weight on my shoulders like a lot of people are waiting for me to test, and I don't want to let anyone down- especially DH. He has been so mushy with me lately, and I know he's hoping like crazy that i'm pregnant.

Anyway- I always lurk on the pregnancy boards here- and something really irks me. Of course, it could just be me because I told my sister about it and her response was -so what? I think I would feel this way even if I WASN'T dealing with IF. There are a couple of girls on there (not naming names) who actually admit to being DISAPPOINTED when they find out the sex of their baby. They feel the need to "come to terms with it."
I know they will love their child and become excited eventually- but how could they not be THRILLED with the little person they and their DH's created? Especially for their first child!? I would be over the moon with either sex- and I just don't understand how others aren't. It truly makes me sad. But enough ranting.

At 4DPIUI, I feel a little "different". I know this could have EVERYTHING to do with the Ovidrel, but I feel little twinges in my belly. Perhaps I am just hypersensitive to twinges that were always there- but who knows? Maybe it's just my imagination TRYING to imagine the feeling of pregnancy, the way I remember it being last year- before I lost my angel. I don't know. Only time will tell, I suppose.


To keep myself busy tonight I am going to the eye doctor, maybe cleaning my bathroom, watching one of the two movies I have from Netflix (I didn't watch Truman Show last night because a friend of mine came over- a better distraction, I think. Especially because I haven't told her anything), and making some pasta (YUM!)

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The IUI was done only 3 days ago, and I am already poking at my boobs to check for soreness. I know I have at least a week before I would even feel anything, especially since I did the HCG trigger, which could give me mild pregnancy symptoms for a few days, at least.

What I am actually feeling?

I have a sore throat and a slight ear ache. The ear doesn't hurt consistently, just when blow my nose or something, I get a pain. I'm tired- but that's nothing new. I am so bloated I could probably pass as at least 4 months pregnant, but I know that's a side effect of the meds. My nipples are constantly hard and sore (sorry,tmi) but that is probably a medication thing, too. Nothing else, so far.

I am already getting my hopes up a bit, and I know that isn't smart, but I can't help it.


Anyways- I finished reading Breaking Dawn last night. I loved the ending. I am a sucker for happy endings. I can't wait for the movie to come out for Twilight!

I didn't watch Flightplan last night. I probably won't watch it tonight, either. I have The Truman Show coming, and i've been in the mood to watch that for awhile now, so i'll probably watch that one.

Tonight to keep myself busy, I might go to my moms house, since my parents just got back from SC. Then I will come home, shower and snuggle in to watch the movie.

This is already the longest two weeks EVER.

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This is already the longest 2 weeks of my life. I have been freaking out because for some reason I feel like they timed the IUI wrong. I probably should call the doc, but at the same time, i'm sure they know what they're doing, and it's too late to do anything about it now anyway. So I think I will just leave it alone.

Last night when I got home from work, DH and I were talking and he kept saying he was so excited and he really really hopes this worked. It breaks my heart to tell him not to get his hopes up, that this might not have worked. I am still trying to convince myself that it might not have worked, while staying positive that it just may. It's hard to find a balance.

Anyways- tonight DH has a softball game so I will make myself dinner, finish reading Breaking Dawn and watch FlightPlan with Jodi Foster. I have wanted to see it since it came out, but DH said he heard it was crappy. Oh well, we'll see.

My poor puppy is home alone all day today. Usually we drop him off at my MIL's house to play with her pup, but we had to seperate them to figure out who keeps tearing her house apart. He looked so sad when I left him this morning. (By the way- he is THE most spoiled dog EVER! He is never left by himself. When we go out on weekeneds, he goes to MIL's. It's insane.) Hopefully- he won't tear our apartment apart, because then I will have to kill him!

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