I have been home visiting for a week... and now sitting at the airport... Each time gets harder and harder to say goodbye to him. The chemistry is amazing - no other way to describe it... very sad today. He is mad because things are not going as quickly as we had planned. All we have our sweet memories and our love to hold onto until the next time.
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I finally came face-to-face with him, well technically he snuck up on me....Meeting date and time were arranged and I was a wreck. There was a florist nearby and I decided to get him a red rose. I know it sounds corny but -As I was chatting with the (hot) florist guy, I heard that another customer had come in and someone put their hands over my eyes and said "That better be for me"... I almost threw up and turned around and there was the man I love. He said "I'm supposed to give YOU a rose."The florist said to him - "Aren't you going to kiss her?" and he did...it was the sweetest kiss and we left. He grabbed my (shaking) hands and I cried and hugged him for what seemed like an hour. We talked, he held me while more tears came. I told him I promised myself I wasn't going to cry when I saw him. He said it's okay to be a "girly, girl". He has definitely changed physically from 10 years ago but it didn't matter to me and I thought that was strange that it didn't matter....We didn't have much time together but it was very bittersweet....kissing and hugging like teenagers. We had made plans to meet other days but we couldn't get our schedules together....He texted me up until we boarded the plane back 3000 miles...I cried during take off...I will be going back in a few months and I'm no closer to any decision or clarity than I was before...just more sad...The tears come too often these days.
In less than 24 hours, I will be face-to-face with the man I love....I am nervous, excited, anxious, The what ifs crossing my mind - ? what if we don't feel the same when we see each other? What if we don't have anything to talk about?.....My stomach is full of butterflies....I told him it's like Christmas Eve and I'm anxiously waiting for Santa to bring me my presents....He must have texted me 10 times before I jumped on that plane late last night - how excited he is, that he loves me.....that he asked God to keep me safe while on the plane....I don't know what the future holds for me but at least I will have tomorrow, my one day with the man I love, a wish we have had for a long time - one day to cherish forever - no matter what....
I will be face-to-face with the man I love.... my emotions are still all over the place.The man I love pulled back a little and when I called him out on it (holding my breath - fearing the worst)...He confessed he's as nervous as I am. The last time we ran into each other was at our 10 year high school reunion.I am excited, nervous, anxious and scared to death...I have asked out loud for God 2 help guide me....My head knows better but my heart doesn't want 2 listen...
today and yesterday all I do is cry....For the first time in a LONG time I got down on my knees and prayed...For the tears that keep comingTo try and understand why.....The worst part is I can't share with anyone what is in my heart.....
3 weeks from now I will be face to face with the man I love....3 weeks from now my life will change...for better or for worse I don't know...I try not to think too much about the what ifs...Right now God forgive me but all I can think of is being in the arms of the man I love and trying to coexist with the man I live with......
I have now realized that the man I live with and the man I love are two separate men....Major meltdown yesterday...Tears of sadness for the relationship that once was and tears for what lies ahead for me - one door is closing and there seems to be another one open in front of meNot sure which door to choose and it scares the **** out of me....I look at the man I live with and feel nothing but sadness....He looks at me different now.The man I love wants to come 3000 miles and get me...but I tell him to please understand....I need time.....
why is this happening to us now?....we had so many chances when we were young with little to no complications...Now - nothing but complications plus 3000 miles...You tell me I am your everything and we will get through this...My stomach is in knots....
