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Calla
My girls
Member since 7/05 4303 total posts
Name:
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How to prepare for nursing
This is from Baby Talk magazine. I thought that some of you would enjoy it...
How to prepare for nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty".
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile". Turn off vacuum when nipple is 3 inches long...switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say "get used to it".
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night". Play in an endless loop at 1 AM, 3 AM, and 5 AM.
Day 10: Slather you breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building-and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
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Posted 9/25/05 9:08 PM  |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
Hmmmm....how expense is formula again?? 
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| Posted 9/25/05 9:11 PM |
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Dani00518
Gorgeous
Member since 5/05 2730 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
I have to say I completely agree!
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| Posted 9/25/05 11:03 PM |
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dree
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 1107 total posts
Name:
Dree
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
Even DH is laughing at this one...HOW TRUE!!!!!
Thanks for posting 
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| Posted 9/25/05 11:04 PM |
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CunningOne
***
Member since 5/05 26975 total posts
Name:
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
I just read that tonight....
So funny, but to give expecting mommies hope, nursing for me was NOT painful at all and I never had sore or cracked nipples.
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| Posted 9/25/05 11:07 PM |
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
OMG LMAO!!!
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| Posted 9/26/05 12:54 AM |
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Texas4Good
My Boys
Member since 6/05 1019 total posts
Name:
Anne
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
That is to funny!
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| Posted 9/28/05 9:55 AM |
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KPtoys
I'm getting old
Member since 5/05 8688 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
That was HYSTERICAL!! I can relate to it all!!
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| Posted 9/28/05 11:41 AM |
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
Ain't that the truth!!!!!!!!!!! 
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| Posted 9/28/05 2:34 PM |
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MrsR
My love.
Member since 5/05 6247 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: How to prepare for nursing
I get this magazine - and when I was reading it - It took me a minute to realize it was a joke - its funny, cause its true!!
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| Posted 9/28/05 3:28 PM |
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