Children and relationships

I have been told by MANY people that having children really puts yoru relationship/marriage to the test...

Do you believe this and are you worried about it?

Re: Children and relationships

In some cases it can be true.
In my case, having Alia broughts us closer together. It's amazing how much love you can have for each other after you shared such an important thing as bringing a kid into this world.

Re: Children and relationships

it def. puts your love for each other through a test. But then again anything that causes a dramatic change to any relationship puts love to the test

Re: Children and relationships

i believe that

Re: Children and relationships

YES and oh my God YES.

It's my absolute biggest fear right now. Our marriage JUST started out and we are already adding a third person into the equation. I am PETRIFIED of the strain that will put on our relationship and whether or not we will make it and still be happy.

I think the problem comes in though when parents allow the children to be the be-all and end-all of everything and ignore their own needs and don't take the time to nurture their relationship.

I received what I think is a great piece of advice from a person who I expressed my fears to when I first found out I was pregnant. He said the secret is to remember that YOU are #1, your SPOUSE is #2, and the child is #3. Alot of people do the complete opposite. (And I'm SURE alot of people will disagree with this!) You are a better parent and spouse when all your basic needs are met first.

He said: "Show me a marriage where the children come first and I'll show you a marriage that is doomed."

This man has been married for many many years and they have 9, yes NINE! children and are very happy. He is in the process of writing a book on the topic so I think I'll be trying to follow his advice.

Re: Children and relationships

I totally believe it does. How could it not, your both bringing this little person into the world that you are both responsible for. It can be very difficult at times.

Re: Children and relationships

Re: Children and relationships

it does...this is why you should never have children in hopes to save a relationship.

when 2 people come together to raise a child...they both have their own ideas on how to raise children (because they were raised by different people and its human nature to follow what your parents did)....when we found out that I was preggo we sat down and discused what we considered the biggies in raising children....ex) bed times, taking the baby out in public, school, college funds...we decided that we would discuss every major decision together.

The other thing that happens that every parent thinks won't matter when they are awaiting the arrival of their baby....is that you lose the ability to just be your own idvidual person...instead you are mommy and baby or daddy and baby. You can't just pick up and go to the gym when ever you want. This was a little tough for us...because there are so many things that need to get done, and we both assumed that the other parent would be home to watch the baby while me or Ken did errands....(ex...food shopping, mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom) So after much debate we decided to come up with a schedule...I get to run my errands on Sat. morning and he does his Sat. night....this way we can spend Sunday together as a family.

Re: Children and relationships

I think so, especially since more will be asked of both of you and there will be less time for each other. Some spouses feel their own need's are abandoned to the child's needs, etc. It has to be something you both want or else there will eventually be resentment for one another as well as the child.

Re: Children and relationships

Yes, definitely. It isn't about the two of you anymore...there are definitely a lot of changes and it does test your love/relationship.
Having children is one of the BEST choices you can ever make!

Re: Children and relationships

I think it all depends. My aunts are great mothers, but great wives? not so much. They are too involved in their children's lives. I volunteer to babysit for my cousins, but my aunts hate doing things without the kids. And a huge issue I have is the kids sleeping in their parents bed. That would definately do some harm to a marriage. I think Sandra was correct, 1st you, then spouse, then kids.

I have completely opposite worries then Sandra. DH and I have been together 11 years, and probably another 3-4 from TTC. so 15 years just me and DH, then adding another to our mix, is going to put us in shock. DH says he will have to get a dog because he is going to feel so left out when I am holding the baby

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I totally believe that. I dont think that anything else could make the relationship more stressed. There are so many new added facets to your relationship. I think people have to understand this ahead of time to be prepared best they can, or know how to REALLY communicate because you'll need it.

I dont worry about it, because I believe me and DH have a very very strong relationships..feel the same way about a lot of things and know how to compromise..but that doesnt mean I think that our relationship wont be affected a LOT by it.

Re: Children and relationships

Without a doubt. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy in my marriage. But you realize that it's not just about you and DH anymore. You have a little one to totally take care of. It affects your marriage, but it doesn't have to be in a bad way. Yes I think we're being tested but I can also say that I am more in love with my DH than ever before.

Re: Children and relationships

Definitely, children change the dynamics of your marriage. Hopefully in a good way, like jimmysbride said...you must, must must put your spouse before your children! People forget that and I think that is what is a major doomer of marriages. You love your children but you are IN LOVE with your spouse!

Re: Children and relationships

and you gotta make time for yourselves

we are not believers in the kid totally encompassing our lives

to some extent yes, but not fully, everything must be balanced