Was I out of line?

SD's birthday is coming up, and we are throwing her a party. She'll be 11. The place where we're having the party provided invitations, but she needed a few extras. So, I got on the computer, designed them, printed them out on nice paper, had a battle with my printer because it wouldn't cooperate,had them done for her by the next day, and left them on the island in the kitchen so that she'd see them, since I'd be at work when she came over.

I come home from work, and after a little while (since she didn't say anything to me about the invites) I ask her if she likes the invitations I made for her. She replies, "Yeah! They're nice!". And that's it. NO thank you.

Growing up, I was taught to say thank you ANY TIME someone did something nice for me, and I live by that even now. For goodness sakes, my 2 YEAR-OLD says please and thank you because that's how I've taught him!

I approached DH and told him I was a little upset that even after inquiring about the invitations I didn't get a thank you. He told me I was being ridiculous and shouldn't expect her to say thank you because what I did for her wasn't a big deal. He said, "You only printed out 3 invitations!"

I don't care if I printed out half of an invitation, I want a thank you!

I can't really be annoyed at SD because her father really doesn't care about teaching her manners, so I guess it's not her fault. I try to do that for him.

Am I out of line?

Message edited 9/27/2008 9:38:11 PM.

Re: Was I out of line?

no you are NOT WRONG! but it sounds like my DH & yours are interchangable. It has always pizzed me off to no end that nobody ever taught SD to say please or thank you.
Being a child with divorced parents doesn't give them an excuse to be ill mannered.

Re: Was I out of line?

I agree- I don't think you were wrong at all...Its frusturating in general dealing with pre-teens and it makes it all the much harder when theres that barrier because it not your bio-child ...I'm sure if it was your own bio-child - you'd say something along the lines of "Hey- no thank you ????"...You did the right thing to bring it to DH's attention though (even if the response isnt what you were looking for- maybe next time he'll infuse some better manners on her )

Re: Was I out of line?

Absolutely not. This honestly sounds like my SD no thank you or pleases. I really believe alot of birth moms and dads let it go because they are still guilty in some respect for the divorce. Unfortunately, its the child that will suffer when they carry these bad manners into adulthood.

Re: Was I out of line?

Re: Was I out of line?

Lurking here. I designed & printed my son's birthday party invites. He's 7 & didn't thank me.

if you want to remind her to thank people, go right ahead. While I think it's nice to remember to thank you, imo it's not necessary. I wouldn't expect that my son knows what went into creating & printing an invitation. I know my DH has no idea either.

Re: Was I out of line?

Message edited 9/28/2008 12:24:57 PM.

Re: Was I out of line?

Re: Was I out of line?

Re: Was I out of line?

I am VERY big on pleases, thank yous, apologies, and manners. It always amazes me when people tell me how extremely polite my girls are...I honestly dont think that Im doing anything all that remarkable. But apparently a lot of parents dont teach their children such things. Ive taught my girls how to answer the phone, how to call someone, how to say may I be excused, excuse me, etc etc....but I can say that alot of kids just arent taught such things....a ton are..but alot are not.

Being that you expect that from your own DC you are definitely not wrong at all. A lot of times my DH has not been in agreement with me on such things. When I pointed out to him that we expect it out of my girls, or our son we should expect it from his children too...He quickyly got on board with it all.

Re: Was I out of line?

Message edited 9/28/2008 8:28:19 PM.

Re: Was I out of line?

Posted by Sash

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by KarenG2003

Posted by nrthshgrl

Lurking here. I designed & printed my son's birthday party invites. He's 7 & didn't thank me.

if you want to remind her to thank people, go right ahead. While I think it's nice to remember to thank you, imo it's not necessary. I wouldn't expect that my son knows what went into creating & printing an invitation. I know my DH has no idea either.

Your son is 7. My SD is 11. Although 4 years may not seem like a big difference in age, it is. As I said, my 2 year old says please and thank you, so it really boggles my mind that this is so hard for an 11 year old girl to do.

ETA-Bottom line is she was never taught manners, so it's unfair for me to expect a thank you from her. My DH has said it himself many times: The two of us were brought up in VERY different households! It makes a difference in parenting beliefs.

If you think SD has no manners, you know better. I'm saying she's a nice or polite kid. You know that - I don't.

My point is I don't believe that most kids - even at 11 - would thank a parent for printing out invitations. My niece is 11. It wouldn't occur to her either. You may think it has to do with manners, but I think it has more to do with being a parent. I don't think a parent would expect a thank you for printing out an invitation because being a parent is a thankless job. Being a stepparent, I guess, isn't.

I can totally see why you were upset. However, I agree with nrthshgrl. I would have had a talk with my Step child if it bothered me. I believe that as a step parent you have the ability to view parenting from a different perspective and help raise a child. IF you feel like she does not have good manners than you help teach her these things. She is still young, my grandmother taught me at 11 to always say No Thank you as oppsed to No and Yes please as oppsed to Yes. My mother didnt enstill this in me and when we moved to Queens my grandmother made sure to teach me. Till this day I always say it. My point is its easy to get frustrated when it isnt your child and to just say geez how come they dont enstill these rules, but thats not going to lead anywhere. So as a rule of thumb I try to act as an adult and parent and help the child understand as any parent would. So I can see why you were p!ssed but I would also try to make a lesson out of it for the future.

Message edited 9/28/2008 8:37:35 PM.

Re: Was I out of line?

MY SS is 12 and getting please and thank you out of him is like pulling teeth. I think a lot of it has to do with the age, he'll look at something we did for him and either shrug is off or maybe mumble a thank you, 5 years ago he was a much more well-mannered little boy, always aiming to please. At 11, 12 , 13 they are becoming teenagers and part of that is being a little self-centered. It's a natural part of development and our job is to teach them which actions are independence and which are selfishness/self-centeredness.

I also agree that manners are extremely important, so I make no hesitation in pointing out when he is showing poor manners and telling him to correct his behavior. It's our job as parents, especially to pre-teens/teens, life seems to suddenly be about constant redirection.

Message edited 9/29/2008 7:21:09 AM.

Re: Was I out of line?

No you were not out of line. I think your DH was though. You expended time and effort for her, so why shouldn't you be thanked for that? As someone else said, maybe you should take matters into your own hands. I did.

When my SD is not polite, I remind her. And then I'll remind her that I shouldn't have to remind her to say please and thank you b/c she's 9 and not a baby. She gets it. If, say she doesn't thank me if I do or buy something for her, I say "Oh! AND YOUR VERY WELCOME!" and I make sure I say it with a huge grin on my face. She gets the hint, laughs and says thank you.

Re: Was I out of line?