What to do?

SS lives with us and after several attempts to try and help SS with his grades & attitude and numerous conversations with DH about being consistant and follow through, I've gotten no where. Our talks just causes tension and upset between DH. He thinks I'm too strict and I think he's in denial and enabler but, that's another story.

I've decided that even though I still care about SS's well being, I will take a back seat and let DH handle everything from dentist appts, to senior photos. I'm tired of running around and doing and getting no appreciation from SS.

A few months ago he was in a car wreck with his car. Him & his friend are ok but, he was fined speeding, a defensive driving class and his car is totaled. He has no job to pay for the fine and class so DH will bail him out once again.

His high school now has an online program where you can log in and check current progress. Well, I did this (should I have not, I want to let go but, I can't) anyway, there was an incident that took place in Feb of 08 where he was written up at school for driving recklessly in the school parking lot and BM signed off on it.

I'm a tad ****** b/c BM is not supposed to sign off on anything. DH spoke to the school about this. We had no idea about it.

My ? is do I tell DH about this? I kinda want him to realize that this is the 2nd time he's been caught driving recklessly (fior SS saftey) and I want him to know that BM is signing off on things that we dont know about. Never mind the fact that SS is keeping it from us. Because if we knew DH probably would have taken his car away for a few weeks.

Sorry, this kind of turned up long but, I'm torn I want DH to know b/c I don't like when SS pulls one over on him but, I don't want to tell him b/c I told DH I would stay out of it. And...I don't want DH to think that I'm trying to get SS in trouble, even though he no longer has a car.

Re: What to do?

I would definately tell DH. Maybe it will make DH think twice about enabeling him and getting him another car. Recklessd riving is a serious issue and should be dealt with as such before he kills/injures himself or someone else! Does he have a job?

Re: What to do?

SS does not have a job. He had a summer job (July & Aug) and that's it.
DH does not push the issue. He mentions it whenever he gets angry at SS for something else he did.

SS has filled out applications but,that was b/c I took him around town to get the applications. He has not followed up with any and that was months ago.

He wanted to play basketball but DH said no, he needed to get a job. So, now it's just a matter of SS getting off his butt. FYI: SS is grounded right now for not listening to his father so, SS would you that excuse. "I'm not allowed out, how can i get a job?".

It's very frustrating for me b/c I was not raised in a laxi-daisal way.

Re: What to do?

Trust me ~ I also have a spoiled 18 yr old SS who is held responsibe for NOTHING ~ so I understand your frustrations 110%! Only mine lives with BM and dropped out of HS also works sporatically and we STILL are paying C/S for him!

So I guess I am not the best person to be giving advice But I do understand your frustrations and agree with you all the way. Definately tell DH about the school driving incident though!

Re: What to do?

Not a step-parent here so I"m not sure if my opinion is even warranted.

The reckless driving is a safety issue - for SS & for others on the road. Tell your DH that you wanted to see how he was doing & you're worried because you found out he was driving recklessly again.

If it were my son, he would be grounded except to go to/from work. I'm not sure where you live but his choice would be to walk or take the bus. Not working wouldn't be an option as he'd have a fine & a car to pay me back.

I know you feel unappreciated but if you're approaching this out of concern for safety, I can't see how your SS & DH wouldn't appreciate it later on. This isn't picking on him or telling on BM. It is your worry about his safety going forward & teaching him a difficult lesson before he (and the people he loves) learn the even harder lesson and wish they spoke up for the rest of their lives.

I don't envy your position. It must be so difficult.

Re: What to do?

I too would let DH know what you've found out- It is a safety issue and needs to be brought to his attention, along with the fact that your DH was not notified of something that BM signed off on- both parents have every right to be made aware of what the child is involved in so that it is dealt with accordingly...After you tell him, its up to him to decide what course of action he wants to take and then at least you'll know that you did what you thought was right for your SS safety

Re: What to do?

I would tell DH..wait until you cool down and have a talk with him. This is not about him forgetting to hand a homework assignment in...this is about reckless driving and risking not only his safety but other people's safety as well which would create bigger problems. Plus BM getting involved when she shouldn't be....that is another problem.

I know it is hard. I myself have had to "tattle" on SD too for things that could be potentially harmful to her and it is so hard when DH defends her and makes excuses for her. Even if that happens at least you would have informed him and he will now be aware...even if he does nothing about it (which is so hard) but he can never say "why didn't you tell me if you knew"

Good Luck.

Re: What to do?

Thank you everyone for your advice. I did tell him. He actually said "how can he drive reckless in that small school parking lot"? I wouldn't envy my position either!

FYI: SS's car is totaled due to a wreck he was in in Aug. if she had told us about this issue it possible may have been avoided. Thank god nobody was hurt in the accident. SS has no car and DH has no plans on buying him a new one or insure him since our insurance has gone up due to the accident. I've been told though that his GF's mother is letting him use her car though. We've spoken to SS about it and he was told he is not allowed to drive her car but, I'm sure it's fallen on deaf's ears. I hope it won't take something "serious" to wake both of these guys up. You may be wondering why I don't speak to her parents about this and the reason is I have addressed several issues to them especially her being allowed in our house when there is no adult home. They seem to be working against me too.

Message edited 11/12/2008 4:42:11 PM.

Re: What to do?

Im not a step parent nor am i a parent but i am a high school teacher. Your ss is heading down a dangerous path...unfortunately this generation of kids have been raised in a positive environment meaning that if they have done something wrong, they are told it is wrong in a positive way thus enabling them. Your DH needs to work with his son on making him a mature, responsible human being rather than enabling him to prance around and do as he pleases. It's a scary thought to think that his gf is letting him (an irresponsible driver) drive his car. You are doing a great job as a sm with being concerned!!! I give you a ton of credit!!! As for the bm issue, did you guys think that maybe she didnt sign it but instead he forged her name? It would be easy to do cause im sure the school is more familiar with your dh's signature. GL!!

Re: What to do?

It's possible that SS forged stepmom's name. But, getting him out of trouble without us knowing about is something that she would do too. She's done it before. She is such a terrible influence on him and he has no clue.

Here's the scoop on her. Recovering meth addict, mother of 3 by 3 different daddy's, the latest one is 14 years younger then her and currently in jail. Living off the state, gets PT jobs around the holidays otherwise she sucks off the state. She took us to family court a few months ago when SS ran to her complaining that DH was verbally abusing him. In reality SS was mad b/c DH didn't want him seeing his 14 y.o (then 13 at the time and he 17) GF. So her ran to her, she slapped a restraining order against DH and while we awaited a court date, SS stayed with her or so we thought. After court he was given back to us and we find out that BM let him stay at GF's house for the entire time. Need I say more?

I totally agree that he is headed down the same path as his loser BM and I don't know what it's going to take for DH to see that.

Message edited 11/13/2008 12:17:45 PM.

Re: What to do?

I feel for you...I know what it is like to have a step child being raised poorly by an immoral BM. That is the story of our lives with SD. It is so hard when you are up against a mother like that because there is no united front when it comes to discipline and choosing right from wrong. DH would tell her she can't pierce her tongue or naval and BM lets her do both, no curfew, no respect, the list goes on.