How would you feel......(this is deep)

Let's say your FIL has been sick for several years with a bunch of illnesses however the worst is that he has kidney cancer and may need a kidney transplant. How would you feel if your DH told you he is willing to give up his kidney for his father?

Yes this is a true story and something we may be faced with and I don't want to come off sounding selfish but I cannot help but to feel upset about this decision. FIL is one of the nicest men I know and does not deserve this. He is diabetic, his kidneys function less than 50%, he has protein S deficiency which mean his kidneys cannot filter the protein out causing spillover and swelling in his legs. Plus he was diagnosed with a tumor in his kidney, believed to be cancer, but they cannot biopsy it due to his other sickness. Also he he 75% blind, on cumadin because he is prone to clots and has many problems due do an accident 7 years ago.

Anyway lately he hasn't been feeling well and lost a bunch of weight. They have been monitoring his tumor for 2 yrs and it has not grown but lately he started going to a new kidney doctor who wants to get him on a donor list incase it does grow. DH has mentioned it before and again last night and said it again that he will give him one of his kidneys. No idea if they are a match and whatnot but I never thought it would come to this and I am freaked out.

I have a cousin who had a kidney removed a few years ago and he is fine but I still feel nervous about this. thank you for listening.

Re: ......(this is deep)

Oh Jenna

I know this must be really hard for you. I know it's scary. But I think that if your DH is healthy (and is committed to remaining healthy, living a healthy lifestyle, after he donates), donating a kidney sounds safe. I've seen a lot of news stories about this and they always say you really only need one kidney.

He wants to help his dad and I think that is soooo honorable - it's a scary thing, to go under the knife when you don't need to in order to help someone else -- it's really great of him. I know you will be, but just remember to be really supportive and also tell him you are scared. He may not be a match, so that's something to think about too - this may be worry over nothing.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I can't imagine going through this. But I can tell you that if this was my parent, I would offer to do the same.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Posted by Mici C

I can't imagine going through this. But I can tell you that if this was my parent, I would offer to do the same.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

something similar happened to my dad's best friend- his son gave him his kidney. I dont think his son could have lived with himself knowing that he could have saved his father and didnt try. It was a hard road- they both couldnt be exposed to germs and it was a harder recovery on the giver of the kidney than the receiver.

I will definately keep your fil and family in my prayers

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Posted by Baby09

Posted by Mici C

I can't imagine going through this. But I can tell you that if this was my parent, I would offer to do the same.

I completely agree. When it comes to another persons health, I'd do whatever i could to save them

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

not to sound like a total ****** - but will his dad live that much longer with a new kidney? or does he have so many problems that even with a new kidney he might not survive that much longer? does that make any sense?

my dads cousin got a kidney from his other cousin *i think* and he lived for awhile after i believe - but he died young in his late thirties i think he had a lot of problems, but if i am correct the new kidney gave him a lot of years.....

if it was my parents, i dont know what i would do. i think if i had kids already i would be way less willing to go through with something like that b/c f something happened to me my kids would lose their mom. but i dont know much about it - maybe its not as risky as i think it is.....

i have a question about kidneys though - if your DH can survive with just one, or any donor can survive with one - why dont they just remove your FILS kidney? or he only has one left at this point?

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I would be scared and do alot of research- but ultimately, it would be his decision whether or not he wants to do it. I know I would do it in a heartbeat for my family, so why shouldn't he?

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Posted by Nik211

not to sound like a total ****** - but will his dad live that much longer with a new kidney? or does he have so many problems that even with a new kidney he might not survive that much longer? does that make any sense?

my dads cousin got a kidney from his other cousin *i think* and he lived for awhile after i believe - but he died young in his late thirties i think he had a lot of problems, but if i am correct the new kidney gave him a lot of years.....

if it was my parents, i dont know what i would do. i think if i had kids already i would be way less willing to go through with something like that b/c f something happened to me my kids would lose their mom. but i dont know much about it - maybe its not as risky as i think it is.....

i have a question about kidneys though - if your DH can survive with just one, or any donor can survive with one - why dont they just remove your FILS kidney? or he only has one left at this point?

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

lots of hugs for u jenna I can see both sides of this - really i can..and i think above all things - this is something u & dh need to really sit down and talk about(no argueing of course!) rather than him just saying "i'll gonna do this"...at first - my initial response was going to be "absolutely just support him..it's very honorable that he wants to do this, it's his dad & if it were my mom i'd want to...etc." but after reading nik's post, i really think u should lay all those things on the table for him just so he has stuff to think about...because right now I'm sure he's just seeing his sick father & just wants to help in any way he can - u know ? Look into how much it will help him, make dh aware that if there are problems down the road w/u or ur children that him donating will no longer be an option, etc.. I would also look into the chance of genetics when it comes to this...is there a chance (God forbid) that DH can run into kidney problems down the road? i'm assuming no because i know u guys live a very healthy lifestyle, but that is something to think about also. Tell him that as long as he truly thinks about all of that, if his decision is still yes - THEN u will absolutely support him...but that u just want him to really be aware of the bigger picture..

If he still wants to go through with it - then just be there for him & be proud of him it is a really brave thing! And the decision wont be easier for him knowing that u're stressed about it... plus if he holds back from it just because u told him so, u dont want him to have inner resentment later on if God forbid something happens to his father...
and i know this sounds corny..but pray about it If it's something that is not meant to be, ask God to close the doors, and if it is something that IS meant to be, ask God for a smooth ride & to give u peace about it..

keep us updated!

Message edited 4/10/2009 11:14:13 AM.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Posted by Mici C

I can't imagine going through this. But I can tell you that if this was my parent, I would offer to do the same.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Hmmm maybe we would have the option to wait on a donor list and if nothing comes up then DH can do it. This is an idea.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Posted by Baby09

Posted by Mici C

I can't imagine going through this. But I can tell you that if this was my parent, I would offer to do the same.

I completely agree. When it comes to another persons health, I'd do whatever i could to save them

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I am soooo sorry for you and your family for dealing with such horrible illnesses....

an illness affects everyone, not just the one who is sick....

i would want you and DH to evaluate the whole situation, transplants are extremely effective but also a lot of work, there are so many medications and health advisements you have to really follow...

so my questions to you would be....
1. what truly caused the kidney problems? bc a new kidney with an old and uncorrected health problem is really only a temporary thing...

2. how proactive is FIL? bc if he is not willing to make all the necessary health and life changes, again a new kidney will just be a temporary fix...

3. is any of these problems genetic? bc here is where i may sound selfish...if these are genetic health problems then your husband may be at risk for the future and to have already donated a kidney that leaves only 1 good 1 for him....does this make sense?

4. and lastly is always think about quality of life not quantity.....will this really be a good benefit to give him more healthy time or will it prolong a painful difficult life??

you have a lot of research and processing to do, but being educated persons like i know you are... i know you will do the right thing whatever that may be...

my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this and I'm sorry to hear your FIL is so sick I would let DH see if he's even a match first and then talk about the consequences with a dr. If he is a match I don't think I'd be able to tell him that I wouldn't want him to do it if it means his father could live longer.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Jenna I am so sorry for you, DH and your family , especially FIL. I can see both sides. As his son DH wants to save his fathers life. He also has you and his future children (if you plan on having a family) to consider. I dont know much about life with one kidney, but I am guessing that it will compromise his health at some point I think I would be torn as you are many and to all of you.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Thank you girls. These are all good thoughts and making me feel better.

I agree with all that there are a ton of things to consider and you are helping me organize my thoughts.

There are health issues of FIL that will not go away, diabetes, blood clotting and he will eventually be completely blind. But these things are controllable where as the kidney is not. Who knows what could happen down the road and IF he will be ok with a new kidney. There is no way to know. His other illnesses could take a toll as well but at least we can try it.

Again none of this is happening yet and could be years away but we had a scare last night because FIL hasnt been feeling well and lost a bunch of weight.

He has turned his life around as of last year...went on a special diet, lost weight, etc, but now this new weight loss is random and the family is scared the cancer is spreading or growing. We will find out next week. Thank you again for your help.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I am sorry you are facing this, and I hope your FIL starts to improve.

A friend of mine is on her second donated kidney - and both of hers were from family members who were very happy to do it, and who, after a slightly uncomfortable recovery, have had no repercussions or problems since.

I know that my DH and I would do the same for our parents. It's scary, but very noble as well.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

I just read that in the year 2000, 47,000 people were on a donor list for kidney. Only a few receive every year.

Also if you have cancer, you are not a good candidate and may be rejected on the donor list.

Message edited 4/10/2009 12:30:22 PM.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Jenna - i know i already responded but as i'm reading more on here i just wanted to say how sorry i am about FIL u guys & dh's family will my in my prayers... also - to keep urself understanding why ur dh DOES want to do this, just try to imagine if was ur sister, or ur mom for that matter..it's something really tough.. and i commend u both for trying to support each other & making the right decision!

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Jenna, I'm so very sorry to hear about this. I can only offer you my advice and if it were me in your shoes, I would support my DH no matter what. I understand that it's a serious procedure but I know plenty of people who are living with one kidney. I understand that FIL has other complications but, to me that wouldn't matter. If I knew that I could possibly save my father's life or save him from enduring dialsyis, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know that my DH would too. DH lost both of his parents both under the age of 60 and I know that he would do anything if he could have them here with him a little longer no matter what condition they were in.

I know that you will do all of the proper research and the both of you will do what's best for everyone.

Is Matt's brother on board too?

Many hugs!!

Message edited 4/10/2009 1:32:33 PM.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

This is truly a rough situation to be in.
I just want to say that has your husband that about family history and the effects it will have on his own health done the road? I'm not saying don't do it. I just hope that you and your family think of everything before making a decision like this. It truly is a selfless act!
I believe I'd want to help out my parents in a case like this but at the same time many people have made some good points to think about.
Good luck you and your family.

Re: How would you feel......(this is deep)

Wow Jenna. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. That is such a tough situation to be in. For one thing I know if it was one of my parents, or anyone close for that matter..I would definately do what I could to help them. So for your DH you have to understand that its a son trying to help his dad. So I can totally understand his reasoning. On the other hand, though, its tough on you guys. I, too, would be very worried about my dh's health as well. From what I know though, I think you can totally live a normal life with one kidney. You only really need one kidney (from what I understand) to live and function normally. I would definately discuss your concerns with your doctor, just to be sure of the risks and benefits this may have. I just hope everything works out for the better. I will definately keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. Its a tough situation to be put in and my heart goes out to you.