Here I am again

I’ve been here before many times and I just don’t know what to do anymore. SS lives with us FT and will be 18 this summer. Before I entered the pic, SS was spoiled rotten, no boundaries, no rules, bad grades, got what he wanted when he wanted…You get the picture. Don’t get me wrong he is a good kid, he just has no support, focus, responsibility or direction and these are the things that I’ve been trying to give him.
I made the mistake in believing that once we got married DH would respect my opinion more and we would raise his son “together”.

Because of DH’s inconsistancy, it hasn’t been easy trying to establish rules and boundaries for SS. DH gets on board and then backs down. How can I not take this personally? I feel disrespected and as if my efforts go unappreciated. I want to see SS succeed and become a man that we can both be proud of but, I’m afraid that DH is more concerned about being the “cool dad” to do anything about it. He has had no issue with me calling the shots and then just one day he decides to say yes to something that I’ve said no to or he doesn’t ask me first. Am I wrong to expect that he ask me? I’m doing all of the work.

I realize that DH doesn’t want to admit or see that he is doing his son an injustice. It’s just hard for me to watch. Whenever we get to this place I tell him he can handle everything from now on and I back off but, I keep getting lured back in to try to keep the consistancy for the sake of SS b/c DH backs down/slacks off.

It’s a huge issue for DH and I that is affecting our marriage BIG TIME. I can’t get over the feelings I have. Any advice?

BTW: I've tried talking to DH about this and he turns it on me and it comes down to the fact that I'm a control freak, I don't like it when I don't have a say in anything, I stress out over nothing, etc. We cannot talk about this!

Re: Here I am again

I dont know what to tell you, because you basically wrote out how I have felt for the past 7 yrs... I wish you luck though

Re: Here I am again

Posted by 1stimemom

I dont know what to tell you, because you basically wrote out how I have felt for the past 7 yrs... I wish you luck though

Re: Here I am again

I just had this same exact conversation with my mom not even 5 minutes ago. It's very, very frustrating and I completely understand how you feel. It stinks to always have to be the bad guy.

In your situation, does your SS respect you more than your DH? Would he rather be with you over DH? My SD, no matter how many times she tells DH I'm "mean" to her (i.e. disciplining her), she still wants to be with me all the time and she rarely gives me a hard time. NOW, on the other hand, she is a complete witch to my DH and totally has no respect for him at all. I try to point out that the reason I don't have those problems is b/c kids need discipline and boundaries and they respect those that give it to them. Does it help? Yes, for 5 minutes.

At least we know that we aren't alone in this never ending uphill battle.

Re: Here I am again

I do think that SS respects me more. SS comes to me with things b/c he knows that I'm not going to freak out like his dad does. I've often wondered if DH retaliates b/c he's jealous that I've been able to have some effect on SS and he hasn't????? He would never admit it anyway if he did. You would think he would be grateful?


Let me give you a recent example"
SS is not allowed to have friends over when no one is home. I found out he did this b/c my friends stopped by and when I asked him 3x about it he lied to me all three times. DH doesn't want to do anything about that so I set a password lock to my computer and told DH that SS cannot use it bc he lied to me AGAIN and if he can't do the one thing I ask him not to do then I won't share anything with him. If DH wants to dismiss lies thats his deal. I won't.
So, I come home from work last night to see SS on my computer!! DH unlocked it for him!!


I had to tell SS in front of DH that he was grounded from the computer and the reason why and DH acted like it was the first time hearing it. How old is he?

Message edited 4/28/2009 2:00:00 PM.

Re: Here I am again

Message edited 11/28/2011 8:31:30 PM.