Today is

the 1-year anniversary of my Grandpa's passing.

To put it mildly, this is HARD.

I drove to work this morning choking back tears, trying to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. Hoping that when I got there I could just sit in my office alone and sulk. Remembering that he used to work for the same company, I quickly walked through his old department past the aisles that he used to shuffle his feet down. Oh how everyone loved him, he had a smile for all of them. And I get to be a part of his dynasty.

I don't want to be here. This isn't just a regular case of the Mondays; while my body is sitting in this chair my mind and heart are reliving every wonderful time we had together. From when I was a little girl, through my teenage years, and I consider myself lucky that I still had him as I became an adult. Life isn't fair. He was 86 and I know that's a long life to live, but I just thought that he'd be around for a while longer.

It isn't fair that he was so loving and caring and that his mind was so sharp, only to have it stolen by Alzheimer's. I'm so sad today, I miss him so much. But I'm also mad. I didn't think I would feel anger on this day but I do. Not at Grandpa of course, I could never be mad at him the same way he could never be mad at me. Just mad at the world. Mad that Alzheimer's is such a debilitating disease that robbed Grandpa of his thoughts and eventually his body too. I'm so mad that there isn't a cure; and to make it even worse that no one even knows where it comes from or how to prevent it.

But Grandpa wouldn't want me to be mad. Or sad. He'd want me to be happy for him; that he's no longer suffering and that he's enjoying the afterlife in heaven. And he'd give me a big hug and tell me that we'll be together again one day. Man how I miss those hugs.

So I'm just trying to get through the day. Trying to keep my chin up and smile, like I think he would want me to.

Just wish it didn't suck so much.

Re: Today is

i know how you feel. when the 1 yr anniversary of my grandmother's passing came, it was very hard. i was very close with her. what got me through it was dh. we remembered all the good times that we had with her.

Re: Today is

Message edited 11/29/2011 7:09:56 PM.