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KimberlyScott
Graceyn=My World <3
Member since 10/08 4173 total posts
Name:
Kimberly
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NM
nm
Message edited 7/22/2009 3:16:42 PM.
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Posted 7/22/09 11:52 AM  |
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Re: Back again
First 
Being a step-parent is hard no matter what the conditions. Being a parent of any type isn't easy, but your situation does sound especially difficult.
What is it that SS is reponsible for that you end up doing anyway? Is there any way that you could NOT pick up his slack so that both SS and DH see the consequences of his irresponsibility??
DH needs to realize that if the problem truly is you (just go with me on this) that he needs to help you. That you cannot help yourself all by yourself. That you need his support as well. You simply cannot get "better" without his involvement. And if it's not "just you" then maybe DH, and in turn SS, will learn something. That maybe they are at fault as well. That they aren't perfect either and EVERYONE can do better to improving family life.
What kind of a husband would chalk up a family's problems to feeling that my wife "needs medication"???? I of course only know your side of the story so I can't offer a complete be-all answer here; but even if you do have control-issues it appears that your DH has relationship issues that need to be resolved as well.
I wish you the best of luck!! 
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| Posted 7/22/09 12:41 PM |
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KimberlyScott
Graceyn=My World <3
Member since 10/08 4173 total posts
Name:
Kimberly
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Re: Back again
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
What is it that SS is reponsible for that you end up doing anyway? Is there any way that you could NOT pick up his slack so that both SS and DH see the consequences of his irresponsibility??
Thank you!
SS responsibilities are minimal.
Keep room clean - stop leaving wrappers and plates in there. We don't want visitors.
Do laundry - don't let it pile up until you have no more clothes to wear and then tie up the laundry room for 2 days.
Take out the trash
Brush our Lab Jackson
Feed Jackson. Give him fresh water.
Turn off all electricity in his BR before leaving. He leaves his celing fan, DVD player, TV and stero on 24/7
When you dirty a dish - put it in the DW. Don't leave it in the sink.
I don't clean his room or do his laundry but, I get back up when ties up the LR.
But, I do end up taking out the trash and feeding the dog b/c he isn't home to do it. Alot of the time, he goes out before I get home from work and is gone all night so I'm left to do it.
I asked DH to write him a list and make sure he does it daily and if not = consequence. DH has yet to do it. I feel that this should not come from me. It should come from DH.
Message edited 7/22/2009 12:59:02 PM.
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| Posted 7/22/09 12:56 PM |
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Lucky2008
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1005 total posts
Name:
Chris
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Re: NM
first off, I want to say that I agree being a stepparent is not an easy role at all, but when you are faced with tension between you and SC it makes it even harder - I know from my own experience.
It sounds like your SS has very minimal responsibilities for an 18 year old and there is no reason why he can't remember to do them or needs DH to remind him or make a list...usually that is done with younger children.
I don't have any advice other than to say I am sorry your DH won't support you in therapy, to have him say that to you must really be hurtful..just keep going to take care of yourself and hopefully this will pass as ss matures.
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| Posted 7/22/09 3:30 PM |
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Re: NM
Posted by KimberlyScott
Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin
What is it that SS is reponsible for that you end up doing anyway? Is there any way that you could NOT pick up his slack so that both SS and DH see the consequences of his irresponsibility??
Thank you!
SS responsibilities are minimal.
Keep room clean - stop leaving wrappers and plates in there. We don't want visitors.
Do laundry - don't let it pile up until you have no more clothes to wear and then tie up the laundry room for 2 days.
Take out the trash
Brush our Lab Jackson
Feed Jackson. Give him fresh water.
Turn off all electricity in his BR before leaving. He leaves his celing fan, DVD player, TV and stero on 24/7
When you dirty a dish - put it in the DW. Don't leave it in the sink.
I don't clean his room or do his laundry but, I get back up when ties up the LR.
But, I do end up taking out the trash and feeding the dog b/c he isn't home to do it. Alot of the time, he goes out before I get home from work and is gone all night so I'm left to do it.
I asked DH to write him a list and make sure he does it daily and if not = consequence. DH has yet to do it. I feel that this should not come from me. It should come from DH.
Ok, so pretty basic stuff. These things should come from the both of you; DH can't make you out to be the bad guy all the time. Has DH ever said WHY he feels that these aren't SS's responsiblities or why he doesn't punish SS for his behavior?
I get that you don't want visitors, but I wouldn't go into his room and clean up after him. Let him get visitors and see what it's like living in filth.
Put a lock on the laundry room door and hold onto the key. Let him in to do his laundry and give him a deadline; anything that's still in there after that goes into the trash. And then follow through, no false threats.
As for the trash, if he doesn't take it out then ask DH too. Maybe if DH sees how often SS skirts his responsiblities he'll be more willing to back you up.
As for Jackson (cute name btw, we have a black lab too!!) you can't let him suffer because of SS. I don't see how you can get around not giving him fresh water. As for brushing him, see if there's a neighborhood kid that you can pay $5 to do it and then take that money from SS.
As for the electricity in his BR, that really irks me too, I've always been a big advocate of conserving energy even before it was "cool to be green". Anything that SS leaves on should be disconnected and removed from his room for a day or two. Can't really do that for the ceiling fan but he'll get the picture when he has no DVD player, stereo, or TV!!
As for the dishes, how about giving him 1-2 nights a week where it's his turn to load the dishwasher. At least he's putting his stuff in the sink and not just leaving it in his room; so it's a start. I'd hold off on this one and focus on the other issues first.
I hope I don't come across too harsh here; I'm just trying to help you out!! 
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| Posted 7/22/09 3:40 PM |
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Lucky2008
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1005 total posts
Name:
Chris
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Re: NM
I agree about the electricity too...my dad used to tell us that he would give us the electric bill next time and see how quickly we would turn off lights, stereo, etc. and it stuck with us when we realized how much money it costs. I would tell him he will need to contribute to the electric bill if he continues to leave things running...that truly is a waste.
I see how hard it is when DH won't back you up, b/c as you said it makes you the bad guy and I have been there too...and unfortunately we are in a tough situation w/SD now partially b/c of the lack of discipline on DHs end and me being the b***ch as she has said.....
It seems you have the right idea for the discipline of SS it is just that DH won't back you up and step up to the plate when it comes to disciplining him.
Message edited 7/22/2009 4:07:28 PM.
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| Posted 7/22/09 4:05 PM |
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KimberlyScott
Graceyn=My World <3
Member since 10/08 4173 total posts
Name:
Kimberly
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Re: NM
Cindy,
I don't think that you are being to harsh. These are all great ideas and things that I have thought about myself. I've always run it by DH what I plan to do with SS or say to SS to make sure it's ok with him first and a lot of the time DH doesn't agree with me b/c I'm being to hard on him or I'm picking on him. I get "he's a typical tennager" blah blah blah.
He left the iPod touch that I gave him at a friends house for 2 weeks. I wanted to take it away from him until he prooved he was responsible enough to own it and DH said No. I couldn;t do that b/c he's 18!
Bottom line is DH doesn't want to back me up. He feels as if there has been enough restrictions put on his son (like calling when you want someone to sleep over and not just showing up, letting us know where he is and who he's with, things he never did prior to me entering the pic) and picking on him for the little things (like mentioned in above and other posts) are not necessary. Who cares if it bugs me?
Message edited 7/22/2009 6:49:12 PM.
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| Posted 7/22/09 6:42 PM |
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Re: NM
Posted by KimberlyScott
Cindy,
I don't think that you are being to harsh. These are all great ideas and things that I have thought about myself. I've always run it by DH what I plan to do with SS or say to SS to make sure it's ok with him first and a lot of the time DH doesn't agree with me b/c I'm being to hard on him or I'm picking on him. I get "he's a typical tennager" blah blah blah.
He left the iPod touch that I gave him at a friends house for 2 weeks. I wanted to take it away from him until he prooved he was responsible enough to own it and DH said No. I couldn;t do that b/c he's 18!
Bottom line is DH doesn't want to back me up. He feels as if there has been enough restrictions put on his son (like calling when you want someone to sleep over and not just showing up, letting us know where he is and who he's with, things he never did prior to me entering the pic) and picking on him for the little things (like mentioned in above and other posts) are not necessary. Who cares if it bugs me?
Ok, I'm glad I didn't come off as a b!tch!! 
I think I've said it before in a prior thread of yours and I'll say it again; before you can address the problems with SS you need to get DH on board. Being "a typical teenager" is BS. I've got a 12 y/o DD who could run circles around your SS and teach him a thing or 2 about responsibilities. We've taught her from an early age that she has to earn everything she gets, that she has to take care of her things and follow our rules, and that those things and privileges can be taken away at any time. She's not afraid of us, we have a great relationship with her because we've taught her about respect and that's what both your SS and DH seem to be lacking. If DD suddenly wakes up one morning as "a typical teenager" I've got no problem taking things away from her and I KNOW DH would support me 100%. He respects me as an adult and although he might not absolutely agree with me he understands the importance of not undermining my authority.
And 18 is just a number, it certainly doesn't make him an automatic mature adult. DH needs to get over whatever issues are hindering his parenting skills and get on board with disciplining this boy because he's not doing anyone any favors by letting him take the easy road through life. One day this kid is going to get a dose of reality smack in the face and daddy isn't going to be able to save him. Either he's an adult and should be treated like one or he's still a child and should be treated like one; pick one and stick with it. DH can't go back and forth whenever it's convenient for SS. Is he afraid his son isn't going to love him anymore? Oh well, tough noogies. One day SS will realize that he should be thanking you instead of giving you such a hard time; and I hope it's sooner rather than later for all of your sakes.
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| Posted 7/22/09 10:20 PM |
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