Revalation

SS came over last night to watch the football game and as most of you know he moved out a month ago b/c he doesnt like our rules, he's 18.

Well, his behavior was odd and I hope I'm just being paranoid but, I'm beginning to think that he is blaming me for this mess he put himself in (he left). Before I entered the pic DH had rules but SS charmed his way out of them.

DH had to tell him to sit up on the couch (lay down) so there was room for me to sit. Then I had to serve him a drink and then his dinner (we ate at the TV). I don't want him to feel like a guest, I want him to help himself and whenever I would ask him a ?, trying to make conversation he would answer me but either look at me with evil eyes or not look at me at all. I ordered him another pizza so he could take it back to his place for later and he didn't even thank me for it. When DH went to pick it up we were alone for 10 min. I had nothing to say to him :( so, I pretended to fall asleep while he texted his friends. So weird.

I did notice that when I got up and went into the kitchen he started talking to DH.

I suggested to DH before he came over that I should go out and give them some time together but, DH refused and requested that I stay.

I have rules and I'm a hard ***. Like Ive mentioned before I stoped pushing my rules on them. If DH asks for my advice I give it, I don't make him take it. Lately he's been taking it and I think SS thinks it's me pushing it when Im not.

I guess this is just a vent! Any advice would be appreciated.

Re: Revalation

First of all, if I were you, after him treating me like that (after you ordered him the pizza, and kept him on your insurance) I would be done with him.

You do not have to keep him on your insurance and you do not have to order him pizza so that he would have food. THat is very generous of you. He should at least acknowledge the nice things you do for him. It is almost as it you are expected to do these things but he doesn't have to thank you or at least treat you with respect and not even look at you when he is talking to you. This makes me so angry for you. He is 18 (a young adult) years old not a small child, there is no excuse for that.

Like I said, start disengaging yourself from him and don't be so quick to do nice things for him if it goes unappreciated. I went through the same thing with SD (she is a few years younger) but I was constantly being insulted and disrespected by her and her BM so I took a step back and vowed that I would never go above and beyond for her as I did in the past.

Sorry you are dealing with this...it is hard.

Re: Revalation

Message edited 11/29/2011 4:18:40 PM.

Re: Revalation

To be honest, I don't think DH even noticed! DH was watching the game. In the zone, not paying attention to anything around him.

I didn't address it b/c DH always claims that I read too much into things. He would tell me that I was imagining it or something. Regardless, if he did notice it I still think he wouldn't do anything about it.

I guess I should feel honored that DH asked him to get up and make some room for me on the couch. Yippie!!!

Re: Revalation

I hate to say this, but if it were myself, my immediate frusturation would be to my DH Technically, your DH is the only one who has a true obligation to respect you (which in turn means having your back with your SS) , even though your SS morally should be doing the same ...

ITA that maybe you are doing a bit too much if everything is going unappreciated, thats not fair...

A heart to heart w/ your DH is in order, and probably the best way to get him to listen without feeling he needs to be defensive about his DS is to not "focus" on his DS ( meaning how SS treats DH and how HIS relationship is w/ your SS)but more along the lines of asking him if he feels like you treat SS fairly and if he feels that SS treats you the same...Then maybe you can give some examples once you open the lines of communication without coming off judgemental, KWIM ???

Sorry you are dealing with this...

Re: Revalation

I'm sorry you're going through this..I agree that maybe it is just expected of you & your role, hence no gratitude from SS nor acknowledgement from DH.

Last year, when SS was still just visiting, not living with us, he came over the wk before thanksgiving. I decided to hire a cleaning lady for 1 thurs each month (couldn't afford more & the house was a wreck once I was back at work full time) so, SS comes home from the airport to find a woman cleaning the bathroom. He says "why is she here? Oh, I see, you just have someone clean for you while you sit back and relax" I was livid...but then I realized, this is how he views me...I am the maid, chef, dry cleaner...I do it all and how dare I have anyone help me. From that point forward, I realized that things needed to change b/c I didn't want my son to think that mommy is in charge of all of the cooking, cleaning, laundering, etc. It was a real eye opener to see that this is how SS viewed my role - meanwhile his mother does none of these things for him/them.

I told my DH that he needed to help more (he did before, but mostly when SS wasn't around b/c they wanted to spend quality time together) - I didn't want him to think that I am the only one doing these things....everyone has a responsibility in our house.

Your SS may be accustomed to getting things from everyone and that's why he didn't thank you. Did you notice if he thanked DH? It's really hard when we are raising someone else's kid....we always want things to be better but there are so many obstacles facing us - it is easy for us to get worn down. I hope the situtation gets better

Re: Revalation

He's 18 yrs old!!!! I say you should not go out of your way to make this kid feel comfortable when he clearly does not respect you. I don't think you need to worry so much. He's an adult...let him spread his wings and fly. This is your and DH's time, enjoy it. You can explain to DH how you feel and let him handle that. His son has to repsect you as DH's wife.

My DH has two kids, and like his sister tells him, those two boys will grow and leave you and who do you have left? your wife. so your DH has to balance both worlds and understand you while he deals with his own son.

Message edited 9/15/2009 11:22:22 AM.