I'm so mad at DH...

Need to vent for a minute...

Yesterday I had to get something out of DH's car for insurance purposes and I open the glove compartment and out falls DOZENS of empty packs of cigarettes!!

If you remember, one of our IF issues is sperm motility and the doctors ALL recommended that he stop smoking to improve the quality.

He swore he would quit. (Of course, he swore he would quit 7 years ago when we started dating, but I thought this would be different.)

I told him this makes me feel like he doesn't really want a baby and he got angry at ME for saying that!!

How can he not understand that with injections and IUI and Clomid and Temping and all the other sh!t I go through that all I am asking is this one thing from him??? And that when he can't do that one thing it has a very real impact on me???

I'm so p!ssed at him.

Message edited 4/25/2006 12:19:28 PM.

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

I'm sorry you're going thru this....


Maybe the Dr. can speak with him separately and stress to him the importance of quitting??

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Have you said that to him?
Meaning all of the stuff that you are going through means nothing if he continues to smoke?

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Posted by Marcie

Have you said that to him?
Meaning all of the stuff that you are going through means nothing if he continues to smoke?

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Oh, I hear you - I had a similar experience and I have no advice. If he's not getting it yet , I'm not sure what you can do to change that

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Do you think the question is does he want to quit or is it that he can't quit (addiction)?

He can go for treatment (accupuncture, hypnosis, etc) but in all honestly if his heart is not in it and he likes to smoke no treatment will work.

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Maybe the psychological addiction is too complicated for us non-smokers to understand. My DH has been saying he's going to quit since we were dating...and has he? No. Cause he doesn't want to. He just keeps saying that to me because it's what I want to hear. He says that it relaxes him. He has totally linked smoking to feeling better. Maybe in stressful times your DH feels the same? But, for whatever reasons or excuses they have, this is different. He's never gonna feel good about smoking if it ruins your chances or destroys your relationship. Maybe some kind of couseling would be in order? Good Luck!!!!

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

I am so sorry Lauren

I am sure the stress of TTC is what has him wanting the cigarettes even more. I hope he can find a way to stop. Any type of addiction needs work...I think the suggestion about counseling, or acupuncture is excellent.

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

I am soo sorry! This would upset me too. HOpefully, this will be an eyeopener to how upsetting this is to you.

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

This would hurt me beyond everything.
No one can force anyone to quit an addiction. He knows it is hurting him and the chancecs of you getting pregnant. He has already made his choice because he has been sneaking them. If he is honest and says he needs help, then of course, you would support him and help him. But lying and sneaking are going to hurt you so much. I hope he can see that

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Lauren I am so sorry you are going through this and I would be angry also.

But please allow me to play devils advocate for a minute. I know I should lose weight to increase my chances but in the 2 years that I have been dealing with this I lose and gain lose and gain and probably am at the same point now as I was 2 years ago. This is no way means that I dont want to have a baby. It is very hard to chnage a pattern of behavior, and the stress of TTC only makes it harder. Perhaps DH is going through something similar.

Like I said I would be upset too but I dont think ultimatums would help. If anything I think you both should sit and talk about how his smoking impacts TTC and how TTC impacts his smoking.

Good luck!!!

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Oh Lauren, I"m sorry you have to deal with this..

Pauline makes a great example though with weight loss - I myself quit smoking and now have "snuck" a few here and there due to the issues in my life (not just IF)

Only you know your DH best but I don't think an ultimatum will be the best for you.

you both have to work together and be partners on this IF road. Talk to your DH, I never realized how much this was affecting mine until we had a big blowout and actually took a break - it was very shocking to hear DH ask - "what happened to the woman I married?"

We are all here for you and FM if you ever need anything..

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Thank you all for your help and support.

Pauline, you do make a good point. So far there's been nothing I could change personally for my end of things, so maybe I don't understand the sacrifice.

But at the same time, I feel like if I was told doing or quitting XYZ would increase my chances, I would absolutely do or quit XYZ.

Maybe that's just me though. Or maybe I'm kidding myself.

I agree that an ultimatum won't work. But I'm not sure what will.

Message edited 4/26/2006 10:24:13 AM.

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

I feel for ya lauren. I know as a smoker quitting is not a simple task, its probably the hardest thing in the world to try to tackle, but I do agree that wanting a baby is higher on the list, that I would be willing to sacrifice the suffering to quit....Your husband has to realize cold turkey might not be the way for him, sometimes its impossible. Also the Dr told me the average person quits 7 times before stoppign completly so that adds to the knowledge of how difficult it really is.

Maybe he can try the patch and aids to help? And the only advice I can give you is to ask him HOW you can help him, what can you do to make it easier for him.

I know if in your shoes, I would love it if he could just quick and not think back, but the bottom line is its not going to be that easy, and a different approach may be needed.

I think the hiding it from you was a bad move and I hope your able to talk freely about it, so he can find a way with your support to quit and quit quickly and for good.

lots of LUCK!!!

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

I'm not a smoker so maybe this is really stupid...

Lauren- is he a heavy smoker? Like a pack a day? If so, maybe after talking to him, he would agree to try and reduce how much he smokes- like down to 3 or 4 a day- that should at least help his fertility somewhat i would think. Maybe that would be easier for him as an initial goal- like knowing you have to go to work but its not SO bad because its only a half day!

Then, maybe he tracks what he is smoking and if he can do 3 or 4 a day you guys get a reward together like a new TV, vacation, etc....

Re: I'm so mad at DH...

Lauren I am so sorry -- I know you are feeling betrayed but I think what a lot of girls here have said makes sense too. I used to be a smoker - until I had an ultrasound of my neck done and the neurologist told me my veins were full of plaque and I could have a heart attack or stroke at any minute. Scared the crap out of me.

There are lots of ways to quit - patch, hypnosis, acupunture, positive imagery, support groups -- but he needs to WANT to quit. And that may happen if he is scared about his health, or about his relationship.

I don't know what the answer is but I hope one way or another you guys find it...