Please help...need some advice.

Thanks ladies!

Message edited 12/14/2009 10:22:06 AM.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

OK, I'm going to be brutally honest here.

Your stepson IS your family, and always will be, until the day you die. He is your husband's flesh and blood, and you chose to marry someone with kids. How devastated would he be if he thought you disregarded him as family. As a stepmother AND a stepdaughter, it broke my heart to read that line that your family is you, DH, and your baby. no way. That was never the plan.

And, no matter how much a child is coddled, he doesn't act the way your stepson acts. He sounds like he may have some type of issue where he needs a lot of love and support right now, and he is asking for it all the time. He CRAVES family and how lucky you are he is looking forward to a new baby and not resenting it. He has to share his dad with you and now with a new sibling. And he is embracing it.

I have 2 stepdaughters who will be almost 13 and 19, and they have been in my life since ages and 12. And its not always easy, and our time is split, and they sometimes annoy me, but they are always my family, always. Even in their teen years now where they won't talk to me. I care for them immensely and the love they have for their baby brother is amazing. He adores them. Don't take your DD's big brother away from her!!!

I would suck it up, and give your SS specific tasks he can do when the baby arrives, and ask DH to help support you by maintaining the tasks that SS can do, and ones that are solely yours as mom. i had to make those boundaries known, but I would never write off DH's daughters EVER. That is CLASSIC wicked stepmother....

I remember one time where I lost perspective. We live 30 minutes away from our stepdaughters. DH had to pick one of them up and bring them somewhere, come home, and then go back and get her. I asked him - do you have to go allll the way back over there and get her again? It is going to take so long! He said, yes - wouldn't you do that for Cailen? (Our DS). Of course I would, as he would (and should) for his daughters that he never got to spend as much time with because of the divorce.

Sorry, but you are wrong here. SS is only with you a short amount of time per week and that has to be very difficult for him. He also, on a side note, sounds like he may have some type of issue that makes him less mature than a typical 14 yr old that may warrant an evaluation....

Message edited 12/13/2009 5:47:29 PM.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

Thanks!

Message edited 12/14/2009 10:22:24 AM.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

Thank you for not getting offended - when I replied I was thinking this could turn into drama and it wasn't my intention.

My stepmother was always resentful of me - I met her at age 8 - and worked very hard to make me feel like a 3rd class citizen and her daughters treated like royalty with my dad. Very hurtful.

From what you described, he wants time with you because you make him feel worthy and successful. If you trust him with certain things, he is grateful you will trust him with things like the baby - but be careful. My younger stepdaughter, at age 10, was carrying my newborn son around and I had to be on that! That is why you clearly need to delineate tasks he can do and that you can trust him with - and you know what? You will want the help when you are changing a diaper, preparing a bottle, etc - you forget a lot of things and its a pain going for them - let him know where you need him....

There are certain things you cannot really teach him - like social skills - but confidence will help.

I see nothing wrong with explaining to him certain things - that married people cuddle together, and it is not time to wedge between you 2 - that he could have cuddle time with one of you at another time, things like that - it will help you as well not resent him as much.

Trust me, there are days I need to tell myself "You chose a man with kids. They were here first. He is their father." Because there are times it would be easier without them. There, I said it. I get jealous of the moms on the parenting board experiencing all the firsts together, and not having to split time with another family. Not to mention the financial hardship of living with paying child support, their bills and expenses, food on weekends, etc... But I chose them as family as well, and it's a challenge for everyone!

Re: Please help...need some advice.

I agree with PP

But I would also like to add, that much to my suprise my relationship with my SD was even closer after my DS was born...We had a very good relationship to begin with ( the relationship with the BM was another story ), but for some reason it gave me another connection to her that I hadn't had before...My DS (and now my DD) adore their big sister and its very heartwarming to watch them interract...

Try to go into it with an open mind as best you can, try not to have any expectations and see where it takes you after your DD is born...Your family dynamics will change, that is a given, but it does not have to be a bad thing..

As for your SS issues, can you try to get him involved in an activity he is interested in ( maybe even something like boy-scouts or something) that he can do with your DH and maybe he will buddy up with someone his own age??

Good Luck !!!!

Re: Please help...need some advice.

Thanks ladies!

Message edited 12/14/2009 10:21:49 AM.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

I just want to add that it sounds like your SS wants so much to be a "family" with you, DH and DD and I think that is great. There may be something deeper that we don't know about and maybe he doesn't get that sense of closeness and security when he is at BM's.

My DH and I only hope that SD would want to see us more when we finally do have a child together and will want to be part of the family since she is part of the family.

Also as far as letting him learn and do more things on his own is great, he maybe needs the confidence and trust that you gave him with the candle for example to be able to do these things eventually. So I think as long as you continue to encourage him to do those things, he will be okay.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

It sounds like you are pretty sensitive to the issues and you aren't just dismissing your SS's needs. If he wants more time with your family, allow it but you do not have to allow it every day. The visitation schedule you described does not sound like it is very intrusive and I think that even with a new baby, a tiny bit more would not turn out to be a huge burden. Life with a baby is new to you but I think you will find that your SS does fit in okay. They grow up fast and someday you may even look back sentimentally on the times when SS wanted to be with you so much.

Re: Please help...need some advice.

I had read your post the other day but then got side tracked and never responded so excuse the lateness. Anyway, I understand what you are saying. As stepmothers, we know that we are to take in our SKs as "our own" and they are "our family". We knew that when we accepted the dad's proposal. We knew that it would take a lot of stepping up and, in my case, growing up. We also knew that as a result of our decision to be a step mom, a lot of sacrifices on our part would have to be made and that is just part of the deal.

However, I don't think that one of those sacrifices has to be giving up the joys of being a first time mom. While you have SKs, they aren't YOURS. You didn't give birth to them and get to experience all the milestones with the same excitement that a "real" parent gets to. Why shouldn't you get to experience the same joys and excitement like every other brand new mom on the planet? Because you married someone who has kids? I don't think so. That's not fair. When there is a blended family situation, everyone should have to make sacrifices now and again, including DH.

It sounds to me that you try to be in tune to your SS's needs and you seem to be very understanding. As a PP said, he is only there one day a week to begin with. Maybe if you have him for dinner one night during the week once the baby comes it will allow him to feel more involved and included. If it begins to get overwhelming, have DH find a way to lessen the stress for you. Keep in mind that having SS around and giving him some baby "responsibility" may help him to grow up a bit and may also give you a much needed break when you need it. Good luck!