What do I call her? (Long)

I am struggling with what to call SD without feeling like I have to follow it up with an explanation.

When STBX and I got married, she was my SD. No problems, no issues. Soon after that she came to live with us and her bio mom disappeared for 5 years. We then had a DD together during those years and the 2 girls are sisters.

STBX and I separate and I agreed to keep SD and continue to raise her for various reasons (one of them is that STBX says that he can't raise a teenage girl alone, and that the sisters should stay together. Another reason is the STBX is an alcoholic and I don't think he's capable, nor do I think SD deserves to live that way). I felt that he is just being selfish and irresponsible, and it has nothing to do with whether its best for the girls to remain together, but I felt obligated to keep SD because it's not her fault STBX is a jerk. For the 5 years her bio mom was not in the picture, she would call every so often, and STBX would not let her speak to SD. I never got in the middle of them, but expressed my disagreement in keeping SD from her bio mom with STBX. I thought he should have let her talk to her mother, because I imagine (especially after having my own DD), that life must have been pretty terrible for the bio mom to not have contact with SD for 5 years...no matter what she did, or what happened. And I felt that as SD got older, she would resent her father from keeping her from her mother more so than resenting her mother for not being around.

Now that STBX is out of the house, he has been making a big deal of getting the bio mom and SD to talk on the phone and he thinks it would be great for them to see each other and have a relationship. That's a whole other level of complexity to this situation! SD doesn't know if she wants to see her bio mom...and honestly, I still don't want to be in the middle! She calls my house frequently now and it's uncomfortable for both me and SD.

For people who know me, they know the situation, so there is no explanation. But for other people, I will usually just say I have 2 daughters. They are now 13 and 3. Then, I get a whole bunch of "ohhh" or you're so young to have a 13 year old (which is flattering, but I'm 36, so it's not really that obscure). I feel like I have to follow it up with but the 13 year old isn't my biological daughter or something...and then I'm trapped into somehow explaining things, or just feeling awkard. I probably DON'T have to say she is not my biological daughter...but sometimes it's just hard to explain having 2 daughter's that far apart in age.

So...what do I call her? I don't feel comfortable saying SD anymore. Maybe there's not really an answer and this was more of a vent or mini-therapy session...so if you read all the way through...thank you

Message edited 1/27/2010 10:42:39 AM.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I would call her your daughter. Let people try to figure it out on their own

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I would call her your daughter too. And for the people that say your so young...just say "Thank you" and let it be.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

First, I would like to commend you for taking such an important role in this childs life when she obviously needs it the most ..It truly is an incredible thing, even though to you I'm sure it feels completely natural

I too feel that you have every right to refer to her as your daughter, if both she and you are comfortable with that..After all "biology is the least of what makes someone a mother" as they say...

If you are looking for something a bit more "generic", if someone asks you if you have any children, you can respond with "Yes, I have 2 girls" or if introducing them, you can say "These are my girls A & B", but as far as I am concerned she your "daughter"....

Here is a quote that I stumbled upon once and think it really sums it up:

We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child

Good Luck to both of you

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Daughter. You are more of a Mom to her than her birthmother. Sounds like your her father too. You really are a great person

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Aw Kim I didn't know all the details...

You are a wonderful person and an excellent mother - period.

I don't think you need to give ANY explanation at ALL. Just smile and say thanks. And you call her whatever you want.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

If you and she are both comfortable with it then you can call her daughter. Heck, I'm not the primary caregiver of my step-daughter but I still call her DD on this site because we're not a fan of the "step" title.

As for the "you're so young to have a 13 y/o" comments, you don't need to explain yourself. I would just respond with "yea I know" or "thank you" and let it drop. If it's a complete stranger that you're never going to see again then the logistics don't really matter.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I don't know if you want to hear from me since I know you, but here goes . She is your daughter, plain and simple. You are the most parent she has ever known and the only one that has looked out for her under every single circumstance. I don't think biology is the only way people have families

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Message edited 11/28/2011 7:42:18 PM.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I guess the "explanation" part comes from people who know I had DD and she is little...but then I say something about SD and they go, oh, I didn't know you had another child.

This stems from a conversation I had with a work aquaintance last week. Not someone I talk to or see frequently, but she knows that I had DD, because she has a DD around the same age, so we have chatted about them. I said something about taking SD somewhere and she said, I didn't know you had another daughter...and I just didn't know how to respond.

It's not like I go around trying to explain my Jerry Springer life to total strangers

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I think both of your daughters are VERY lucky to have you in their lives!

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I too have a SD with a missing bio mom(well she's back now but that's another story), and I call her my daughter when people ask. I sometimes say she is my SD too, but ultimately, I didn't give birth to her, but she is my daughter. It would be no different if we adopted them. They would be ours then, and they are ours now. She is lucky to have you, and I'm hopeful that someday she will realize that.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Posted by luvsun27

I guess the "explanation" part comes from people who know I had DD and she is little...but then I say something about SD and they go, oh, I didn't know you had another child.

This stems from a conversation I had with a work aquaintance last week. Not someone I talk to or see frequently, but she knows that I had DD, because she has a DD around the same age, so we have chatted about them. I said something about taking SD somewhere and she said, I didn't know you had another daughter...and I just didn't know how to respond.

It's not like I go around trying to explain my Jerry Springer life to total strangers

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I would definately call her my daughter, you have two kids that you are raising. She is lucky to have such a loving and stable adult in her life.

PPl say you are young, "say yea thanks" or "yep, life happens and i am happy to be a MiLF"

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Tell people she is your grandfather.

Ask what SD wants you to call her. Tell her you don't want to replace her BM - that you just want to put it out there to be open and honest and adult about it.

It should give SD a chance to feel part of your family now that S2BX is out of the pic.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I have 2 SD's that I have been raising since they are 12 and 17. The 12 year old has been most affected by the "what to call me" for the most part. Teachers, etc. would always assume "mom" but either she or I would just say "step mom" or just ignore it depending on the situation or how many times the same person would make the mistake. I think that between the two of us, since we knew that I was not her mother (although her mom moved away from her when she was 12), that it didn't matter what I was called. We both knew that I was not her "mom" as what other people would think "mom" was, but it didn't bother either of us when mistakes were made. Regardless of how much of a mom you may be to them, you're not, at least in my situation, so so it was OK when it was a "mistake" for others to say mom and for me (or her) to correct them. I don't believe that I could ever replace the fact that she has a mom nor would I ever want to. There is nothing wrong with being a "step-mom" and I have always been proud of the place I have in their lives.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

I would say daughter. Since she is 13 I would probably ask her what she is comfortable with too.

I have to say I really admire you. You are a truly giving/loving person. I don't know to many people who would do what you are.

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

Re: What do I call her? (Long)

she is your dd, and you are amazing for what you do for her, you are her MOM !!

Re: What do I call her? (Long)