Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

My latest bloggy poo on this first anniversary of our 1st angel in heaven...

When you know you are going to have a child, you begin to have dreams and to make plans for your child. You think about how you are going to care for your child, how the child is going to become apart of your family, what the child will look like, whose traits s/he will inherit, how your life is going to change. When the baby dies, your love for the baby remains in the absence of the child. So what do you do with that love? After a miscarriage, your wounds never heal. The sadness never goes away. You wear it on your heart everyday and the scabs are constantly re-opened.

Today, I’m still faced with a lack of a baby to hold, lack of a true birth date, lack of a name for our baby. This first aniversary is a time to honor our angel in heaven. Someday I’ll have the courage to wear a necklace but not yet today. Someday I’ll tell my child about the 3 brothers and sisters s/he has in heaven. Someday I’ll write letters to each one of them -sharing my feelings of joy when I learned I was pregnant, the hopes and dreams I had for them, that I desperately wanted nothing more and how they changed our lives forever. I have born a grief that could destroy a mother’s hope.

Today’s not just one of those “trigger moments.” I remember my first loss vividly and the tears come flooding back. Today I mourn with my husband and let our honest emotions wash over me again. I know later I will be glad that I didn’t let life move on so fast- that I did stop and devote time today for my little angel. It’s sacred time.

I’ve had to say goodbye more times than I have liked and though DH and I will never forget what we’ve given up we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. I know what I can’t do. I can’t live my life afraid of the next goodbye but to think of the goodbye as a new beginning where we can start all over again. Facing forward and keeping our eyes on the prize.

Message edited 2/5/2010 11:24:11 PM.

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

<3 Thank You

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

awww very well written. thank you for sharing. that was beautiful!

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

Thank you for sharing! It's great that you write down and share your thoughts.

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

Thank you. In someway, writing helps me feel better. It's like a purge for me to get it all out and then I'm able to see the light.

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

Thank you for sharing

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

Re: Sharing...Heaven will hold you before we do

thank you for sharing!! This is very well written and exactly how I feel too!!