Holidays

How do you ladies feel about the holidays being celebrated in your family.
I had my D & E a week before xmas and I was really angry at my family for celebrating....they had a whole chrismas dinner and video..laughing carrying on...(i saw the video later) and I was just getting over a D & E.

Well easter is now here and DH's family is planning a big celebration. I just feel its wrong..I feel like I am mourning a Loss and his family is holding an event at their house-

by the way a greek easter event is pretty big they invite like 30 people and its a big roasting of a lamb...so yea thats an event..


Im so ANGRY at them am I overreacting?

Re: Holidays

I think the holidays affect us all differently. Never feel that your feelings are wrong.

For me, at this point, it has been so long since my m/c, that my sadness is more about not being PG than the actual m/c (it was a really early one). Every time that a holiday comes around, I get sad that I'm not PG or don't have a baby. This year, at the Passover seder, I know one of the extended family members will likely comment about us not having kids yet. When I synagogue for the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur in September, I know that I will be sad not to have a baby with me, as I should have been a mommy in February.

Re: Holidays

Posted by Jax430

I think the holidays affect us all differently. Never feel that your feelings are wrong.

For me, at this point, it has been so long since my m/c, that my sadness is more about not being PG than the actual m/c (it was a really early one). Every time that a holiday comes around, I get sad that I'm not PG or don't have a baby. This year, at the Passover seder, I know one of the extended family members will likely comment about us not having kids yet. When I synagogue for the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur in September, I know that I will be sad not to have a baby with me, as I should have been a mommy in February.

Re: Holidays

My 2nd miscarriage happened right before Christmas for me last yr. I didn't mind to celebrate b.c it helped to take my mind off of everything. It was nice to chat, eat, watch movies and not be so sad and overwhelmed with everything...it was a good distraction.

I can understand where you are coming from & why it was hard for Christmas. I think your family still wants to enjoy the Holidays and just be around all of the people they love. I think you can't stop living and not enjoy the good times and big events in your life...like Holidays.


I try to remind myself of what someone else posted on this Board...that you cannot "Let this define you" otherwise 3 of you will be lost, not just one of you. It's hard....I often can't live by my own words...but I try to remind myself when I forget.

I guess it's the same with Holidays, personal life, etc. You still have to do the things that make you "you"! The traditions, events, activites that you once enjoyed!

I hope that helps! I'm sorry you are upset & I am always here to chat. I think if it's too much, than it is fair for you not to go.

Re: Holidays

Posted by bride07



My 2nd miscarriage happened right before Christmas for me last yr. I didn't mind to celebrate b.c it helped to take my mind off of everything. It was nice to chat, eat, watch movies and not be so sad and overwhelmed with everything...it was a good distraction.

I can understand where you are coming from & why it was hard for Christmas. I think your family still wants to enjoy the Holidays and just be around all of the people they love. I think you can't stop living and not enjoy the good times and big events in your life...like Holidays.


I try to remind myself of what someone else posted on this Board...that you cannot "Let this define you" otherwise 3 of you will be lost, not just one of you. It's hard....I often can't live by my own words...but I try to remind myself when I forget.

I guess it's the same with Holidays, personal life, etc. You still have to do the things that make you "you"! The traditions, events, activites that you once enjoyed!

I hope that helps! I'm sorry you are upset & I am always here to chat. I think if it's too much, than it is fair for you not to go.

Re: Holidays

That can be overwhleming with a large group at the Holidays. I would either say something or just have DH talk with them. Say something like" we would love to be around immediate family but it is too soon to Have a large gathering of people around us when we are still upset & in mourning".

It might be better to not to go if it will be too much on you. You come first and you have to do what you are comfortable with.



I'm sorry they upset. I think the best thing you can do is lt them know how you feel.

Re: Holidays

Posted by bride07


That can be overwhleming with a large group at the Holidays. I would either say something or just have DH talk with them. Say something like" we would love to be around immediate family but it is too soon to Have a large gathering of people around us when we are still upset & in mourning".

It might be better to not to go if it will be too much on you. You come first and you have to do what you are comfortable with.



I'm sorry they upset. I think the best thing you can do is lt them know how you feel.

Re: Holidays

I too had a D and C; but for me it was right after the holidays. It was devastating for both me and DH and some members of our families. Some more than others.

If the D and C was before Christmas, I would not have felt angry at the families for celebrating Christmas. Unfortunately life does go on and it's a lot easier for those who aren't the parents to move on from it. For the most part, the families seem to feel more like you were pregnant and had an unfortunate MC and now life continues as normal. They aren't as emotionally attached to the baby as we were.... they aren't in the same mourning state. And don't forget, a lot of family members may not have ever been through a miscarriage and just do not know what it's like.

I think if you feel it's wrong then perhaps you should just not attend. I think it's perfectly fine to take the time that you need to take for however long you feel you need it. I think it's totally fine to not go and not want to be around large groups of people celebrating. I definitely secluded myself after it happened. And I surely steered clear of large groups in particular. I think maybe DH should just explain the reasoning behind your not wanting to attend to his parents so they understand where you are coming from and there are no hard feelings all around. I think it's a perfectly valid reason to not go to the event. But I'm sorry... I don't think you should be angry with them for having it. That's just my honest opinion. Please don't throw stones at me.

I wouldn't be angry with them for celebrating holiday's. I feel a little bit like you might be feeling anger from the miscarriage and maybe displacing it. Do you think that is possible?

I don't think we can expect families to stop celebrating things because they are not in the same mourning state as we are. Unfortunately it's VERY different to them.

Message edited 3/19/2010 11:18:35 AM.

Re: Holidays

honestly, I think nobody is going to grieve our MC more than or as long as we do. they didn't carry the child in their belly...only you did. while they may have had the joy and excitement of the news of a baby...nobody had it quite like you...because its in your belly and its YOUR body going through all the changes.

don't expect others around you to grieve the same way you are or you'll be disappointed. I was devastated...but DH's family while they were sad...weren't really "devestated" because MC's are common in their family...and they have gone through this before...so to them they have the "ok, this is sad, move on, try again! better luck next time!" kind of attitude. whereas my mom had never experienced this or heard of it in our family and she cried and cried and cried.

I especially like the comment about not letting this define us. it is a moment in our lives that will mold us and will deffinately affect us and there are lessons that may or may not be taken from this experience...but that doesn't mean this experience has to define us.

Message edited 3/19/2010 11:41:48 AM.

Re: Holidays

MrsK and Ms Yellow - or something like that lol..

Thanks....I dont throw stones at anyone! I love to hear you ladies ...I actually think Im looking for that answer to help me get over this---so your advice is important to me

I really do understand what you guys are saying....and I may have some anger from what happened .....I really am over the entire Easter thing..let them do what they want and If I want to attend its up to me...I guess I cant expect everyone to be like I would...

I mean if my son lost a baby very far along in the pregnancy like I did days before Xmas I really wouldnt be celebrating anything..I would be there for my daughter....MAYBE IM THE CRAZY ONE! lol

Message edited 3/19/2010 1:32:07 PM.

Re: Holidays

An outside POV: my DH's extended family spends Christmas together each year. Shortly before, we learned through MIL that his cousin had a m/c. I posted on here asking if we should acknowledge it in any way when we saw her during the holidays, and the overwhelming response was not to bring it up unless she did (since she did not tell us herself).

It doesn't mean we didn't care, and I hope she didn't feel upset that we didn't acknowledge it. I think it's just a really sensitive issue and people react differently to it. I'm sorry for your loss

Re: Holidays

Posted by jps

An outside POV: my DH's extended family spends Christmas together each year. Shortly before, we learned through MIL that his cousin had a m/c. I posted on here asking if we should acknowledge it in any way when we saw her during the holidays, and the overwhelming response was not to bring it up unless she did (since she did not tell us herself).

It doesn't mean we didn't care, and I hope she didn't feel upset that we didn't acknowledge it. I think it's just a really sensitive issue and people react differently to it. I'm sorry for your loss

Re: Holidays

Message edited 3/19/2010 10:41:37 PM.

Re: Holidays

Posted by MrsMeloyellow

Posted by Exarina

MrsK and Ms Yellow - or something like that lol..

Thanks....I dont throw stones at anyone! I love to hear you ladies ...I actually think Im looking for that answer to help me get over this---so your advice is important to me

I really do understand what you guys are saying....and I may have some anger from what happened .....I really am over the entire Easter thing..let them do what they want and If I want to attend its up to me...I guess I cant expect everyone to be like I would...

I mean if my son lost a baby very far along in the pregnancy like I did days before Xmas I really wouldnt be celebrating anything..I would be there for my daughter....MAYBE IM THE CRAZY ONE! lol

I get what ur sayin about the holidays. If you were my child I'd never leave u alone and not be with you while you grieved especially on a holiday like christmas...maybe i'd have a small dinner but insist on it being just immediate family being there to comfort you directly before or after the festivities...

I just know that for me...even my DH wasn't as devastated as I was...But I understand that for me...I felt the changes that my body went through to prep that baby...I felt the nausea, the gas, the spotting, the hunger...he got none of that...so while he was excited about the baby...he was still a bit detached because he hadn't even heard a heartbeat yet.

but to me...regardless of whether there was a heartbeat or not...or wether it was the size of a tadpole or a watermelon...I lost a living thing that was growing in me...from me...

MY world stopped when I was told the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and I was 9...and people were saddened by my loss...but nobody else around me's world stopped like mine did...not even DH.

Anyway, my point behind all that is that I hope u try to not let it bother you because sometimes people are oblivious to just how badly something may be affecting you .

I'm here if u need me

Re: Holidays

I agree with Rachel...I think that life goes on and I take things like holidays and stuff as an opportunity to celebrate life.
I also wouldn't expect my family not to celebrate. The way I see it, is that there is a lot of sadness in peoples lives that some people can't relate to..I mean my friend was going through a horrible divorce when I was getting married...as sad as she was she still came and celebrated.
I guess I"m big on not having my sadness affect my happiness about other things in life.
My husbands greek so I know how Greek Easter can be. Everyone is different so if you don't think you can handle it, then I would explain why you can't go. I'm sure they will understand. No matter what you have to do what's right for you!

Re: Holidays

Re: Holidays

You never know how you might feel that day, the morning of you might be moody and next once you get there you might start enjoying yourself which does help take your mind off of the loss of your baby.


I am telling myself this right now.

Re: Holidays

I agree that you might not know how you feel that day...but, I also understand the feelings of anger and sadness that you are feeling towards people, and the thought of having to be around so many happy people on Easter, while you are so sad...

I know that my situation isn't the same as yours, but the holidays were incredibly hard for me. We lost Sarah 4 days before Thanksgiving, and had to bury her the day after. Christmas was miserable...we went to DH's sister's house for dessert, and wished we hadn't gone. It was quite apparent to me that while everyone else was saddened by our loss, life does go on. Right in front of us, they took a picture of all of the cousins (there are 19 nieces and nephews - Sarah was the 20th)...not one person thought twice about doing this in front of us, when our Sarah should've been the tiniest cousin there.

But that being said - life does go on. Life goes on very quickly for everyone else, but life will also go on for you. I'm learning this, and living through what my new "normal" is. I have incredible amounts of anger towards other people, even though it isn't there fault. I have so much jealousy and envy...but, as I said, life goes on. You just need to figure out how you need to deal with those feelings - and I don't think you are wrong for having them. If you need to remove yourself from the situation, do just that...And if people think that you are in the wrong for doing so, let them....it's no skin off your back. Don't put yourself in a situation where you will end up feeling more anger towards people - it isn't worth it in the end.

Do what's right for you - whatever that might be. And as Rachel mentioned, don't let this define you...you have so much more living to do....

ETA: For Easter every year, we have always gone to my cousin's house where there is an Easter egg hunt for all of the kids...This is something that we did when I was a kid growing up at my aunt's house, so it's a tradition for us all...It was something that I was looking SO forward to with, and for Sarah...That being said, I'm not going this year, as I know that I can't do it. It makes me so sad to think about what should have been...but, I also know that everyone else will still be going...and I'm okay with that...

Message edited 3/22/2010 4:49:44 PM.

Re: Holidays

Posted by Bean08

I agree that you might not know how you feel that day...but, I also understand the feelings of anger and sadness that you are feeling towards people, and the thought of having to be around so many happy people on Easter, while you are so sad...

I know that my situation isn't the same as yours, but the holidays were incredibly hard for me. We lost Sarah 4 days before Thanksgiving, and had to bury her the day after. Christmas was miserable...we went to DH's sister's house for dessert, and wished we hadn't gone. It was quite apparent to me that while everyone else was saddened by our loss, life does go on. Right in front of us, they took a picture of all of the cousins (there are 19 nieces and nephews - Sarah was the 20th)...not one person thought twice about doing this in front of us, when our Sarah should've been the tiniest cousin there.

But that being said - life does go on. Life goes on very quickly for everyone else, but life will also go on for you. I'm learning this, and living through what my new "normal" is. I have incredible amounts of anger towards other people, even though it isn't there fault. I have so much jealousy and envy...but, as I said, life goes on. You just need to figure out how you need to deal with those feelings - and I don't think you are wrong for having them. If you need to remove yourself from the situation, do just that...And if people think that you are in the wrong for doing so, let them....it's no skin off your back. Don't put yourself in a situation where you will end up feeling more anger towards people - it isn't worth it in the end.

Do what's right for you - whatever that might be. And as Rachel mentioned, don't let this define you...you have so much more living to do....

ETA: For Easter every year, we have always gone to my cousin's house where there is an Easter egg hunt for all of the kids...This is something that we did when I was a kid growing up at my aunt's house, so it's a tradition for us all...It was something that I was looking SO forward to with, and for Sarah...That being said, I'm not going this year, as I know that I can't do it. It makes me so sad to think about what should have been...but, I also know that everyone else will still be going...and I'm okay with that...