The worst/best day of my life...full circle

Sometimes I still think about my loss and it's so amazing, for me, to reflect on how I felt then - and how I do now.

A little background - we tried for a bit to get PG the first time. It didn't happen overnight but I shouldn't complain, it happened - and easier than for some. About 6-7 months of TTC I was finally pregnant. And beyond thrilled. Just as I was ready to look into IF testing, I got my BFP.

Based on my LMP of January 25, 2007 - I would be due October 30, 2007. I was charting and pretty confident of my EDD.

I made my first sono for 3/21 - it was my husband's 30th birthday. When I made the appt, I worried - "what if something's wrong?" "do I want his birthday to be associated with this in case there's a problem?" But I convinced myself it was normal worries.

A few wks after I learned I was PG I had a horrible chest pain. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I later was reminded of it b/c I noted it in my planner.

3/21 came. I felt very anxious on the drive to the appointment. I just knew something was wrong. I just didn't feel PG anymore and I had a pit in my stomach as we drove to the doctor.

We went in and learned baby had no heartbeat. We were devasted. He/she stopped growing about 6w2d, but I thought I was about 8 wks at this point. That was my husband's 30th birthday. I felt guilty, mad at myself, devastated - you name it. I later was flipping through my planner and saw that notation of the chest pains. I did the math - 6w2d - the day my heart broke, the day my first baby stopped growing. The chest pains - I can still feel them if I think about it.

Fast forward to the next year. My first child due 3/30/08. Ryan came 10 days early - amazing - we never had to celebrate that first anniversary of learning of our loss without a baby. 3/21/07 we learned of my loss, and 3/20/08 we had our first child.

I always think back and wonder... Knowing now that Ryan is my child and 100% meant to be with us - and knowing that had that first pregnancy been viable - there would be no Ryan.

And then, 2009 - the birth of my second son...October 30. So, I guess I was meant to have a baby on October 30th - just not 2007.

I guess I'm just being reflective about what my loss was to me. It was the worst day of my life, but... then there's Ryan and Colin. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't know if my thoughts help any of you. And they are in no way meant to minimize anyone's pain of the loss of their pregnancy. I just wanted to share, that it never leaves you but I know, for me, it was part of my journey.

Thinking of all of you and praying you get through this difficult journey

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

thank you so much for this. i lost my first baby last fall. we had to terminate the pregnancy at 12 weeks after learning that there was a very very large cyst taking up his entire abdomen and he wouldn't survive or grow properly. it was the darkest time of my life and i grieve for my son everyday. DH and i started TTC again a few months ago and every month that we get a BFN brings back the pain of all that we've lost but i try to keep reminding myself that life happens only exactly the way it's supposed to and when it is time for us to be parents, it will be! hearing your story reminds me that this truly is a JOURNEY and that means the sad times as well as the joyful times. thank you so much for sharing! your boys are gorgeous!

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

thank you for sharing this. I think a lot of us will find it inspiring. You just never know what the future holds. Even when it just looks so dark in front of you

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

thank you for sharing your story. I do believe everything happens for a reason. And I think this pregnancy wasn't meant to be.

In the begining I didn't see it like that emotionally. But now I am slowly accepting it.

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

thanks so much for this....it really gives us ladies hope.

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

Thank you for sharing your story! It is nice to be reminded of the success stories. It def does get hard going through a loss and struggle through this process. It does help to remind ourselves that when our child does arrive this will all be worth it.




Thanks!

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

Thank you for sharing your story. I know for me its hard to remember sometimes that the baby I am supposed to have just isn't ready yet I'm in my 7th month of trying post m/c now, and have also passed my first EDD and feel sad....but I do know I am meant to be a mother, and I do know that it will happen when it's supposed to. (or at least I try to remind myself)

Re: The worst/best day of my life...full circle

Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautiful. It gives us hope that tomorrow is another day and who knows what could happen.