broke down lastnight....

I was just sitting on the couch next to DH and before I knew it I was hysterical crying asking him why did this have to happen to us? I couldn't control myself, he just hugged me and told me it will get better but I told him I don't feel better, all the thoughts in my head of how far along I should have been with my 1st pregnancy and then losing that baby and how far along I should be with the 2nd and going through that miscarriage -- all these emotions are so overwhelming.

And the fear is worse, i know that i'm getting pregnant easily but I'm afraid that I will have another m/c -- please tell me i'm not crazy and all these emotions/fears are normal?

No matter how many times people tell me I'll be ok and I'll get through it and I will have a baby, I can't help but fall into that dark place from time to time.

Re: broke down lastnight....

I completely understand how you feel. Almost 7 months later, I still have moments where I completely break down and just cry, wondering why me...And you know what? I think we are completely allowed to do that. We've been thrown into sh!tty situations, and we aren't wonder woman - and sadly, I feel like a lot of the time the "outside" world expects us to be.

I don't think you are crazy AT ALL. I have lots of fears too...I just think that's something that you can't help. Once you have felt some kind of tragedy, you can't help thinking that it could happen again, because you already know the pain of it...a pain that NO ONE should have to feel.

That all being said, try to be as positive as possible...because I do truly believe that we will all have good things come to us - we will all have that moment when we get to hear our baby's first cry. We'll get to see their smiles...we will have it all.

Anytime you need to vent / talk, feel free to...Here or, FM me...you aren't alone, and don't need to get through everything on your own.

Re: broke down lastnight....

I'm sooo sorry!

I feel the same way.

Re: broke down lastnight....

I had so many meltdowns! It's totally normal to feel this way it's such an emotional journey you have been through!!



Eventually I just wanted to stop talking about it with friends and family. I was def in a funk and going through a lot of emotional stuff at that time. I would even get so moody and snappy with friends and family.

To be honest the best things I did for myself was I started in Jan- March seeing a phsychologist who deals with just infertility and loss. She was located in Cornell's Fertility Clinic I also went to two free Support Groups that they offered there. I learned a lot about what I was going through emotionally through working with the Dr. there.

I remember how shocked but happy I was when the therapist said " Studies have shown people going through infertiliy or losses suffer as much emotional trauma and heartache as Losing a Family Member." I needed to be reminded of that, I needed to know It WAS OK and normal to be so emotional over my miscarriages. That I was depressed or not coping well.....THAT This was a traumatic event and I was Allowed to grieve and go through all of these emotions.

Anyways, I just wanted to share. I seem to ramble a lot on your posts. lol But I just relate so WELL to everything you are now going through. Every fear, emotion, anger, jealousy ....I had.



Rachel

P.S. The fear does start to go away. Once you get tested & come up with an answer as to why this is happening and how to treat.... You will be hopeful again. Yes there will always be some fear but right now IT's prob WORSE b/c everything is unknown right now. Once you have answers you willl start to feel a little better.

Message edited 6/11/2010 10:35:56 AM.

Re: broke down lastnight....

thanks for your kind words ladies

Re: broke down lastnight....

BabyLove - I could have written your entire post myself. I have been there - completely.

There's no doubt in my mind that I WILL have healthy beautiful children, but that doesn't take away the pain, darkness, and FEAR that still haunts me more than I wish it did. Last month was my first lost baby's due date and I took it VERY hard. i started realizing that since that first one, I haven't truly been happy. Yeah, I smile and laugh sometimes, but it's just a physical reaction. My emotions are still so raw and in SO much pain. I can't promise you anything. I can't say that it will get better. For me, it's been easier to deal with but it's certainly not better!! And it won't be until I have a healthy baby. Your fears are completely normal. And I am so sorry you are dealing with this. But it helps to know that you... that I... am not alone in this.

Re: broke down lastnight....

its good to know i am not the only one who feels this way. i am less than a month removed from my second very early loss (this one was about 5 weeks) and i feel like i "should" be more over it than i am. although i am starting to realize that until i have a healthy baby in my arms i probably wont stop feeling sad. i can be having a perfectly normal day and then all the sudden i'll just break down for no particular reason... i can just start crying any second...

anyway i dont want to make this about me. i just want to offer and let you know that someone understands and is here for you!!