Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

.. How do you not get SO bent out of shape when people make strange comments about your kids?

We had friends from out of state come visit this weekend ( we didn't cancel because we thought it would be a good distraction from the daunting diagnosis news)...

DS was going into his door fixation because new people make him overwhelmed. Our one friend makes a comment like, "Oh he'll make an excellent door man for a hotel one day" which had my DH seeing red.

I know it was a joke and she had no idea the weight a comment like that held (or how fresh the wound was that she rubbed the salt into..) but seriously?? I mean, how do you handle people who make thoughtless comments?

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

One thing I can say...and please don't take this the wrong way, b/c we've ALL been there...but remember that a lot of people are not going to look at your child and see a disability of any kind. People for the most part are just seeing a child...know what I mean?

To clarify...kids regardless of being typically developing or atypically developing do weird things. Things that are funny, repetitive, whacky etc...and because we as the parents of a special needs child are going to be very hypersensitive of their behaviors or obsessions, get on the defensive over comments that may actually just be harmless observations. Does this make any sense??

I'm not dismissing how you feel at all..just trying to show another side. Your friend prob didn't think twice, and thought she was making a harmless joke. Try not to let it bug you...

I remember being so nervous/protective around johnny all the time. He would often do things that i knew weren't completely typical, but honestly i don't think many people around me ever noticed. Like when he jumped around a lot while watching tv...he would jump around the room all excited and it would bug me b/c, well other kids his age didn't seem to do that. Yet when i pointed out how "odd" it was to friends they were like "he just has tons of energy, relax, my kid does funny stuff too". Lol..

Don't know if my reply helps at all. Hugs to you!

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Posted by maybebaby

I'm not dismissing how you feel at all..just trying to show another side. Your friend prob didn't think twice, and thought she was making a harmless joke. Try not to let it bug you...

IDon't know if my reply helps at all. Hugs to you!

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Did your friend know anything about his diagnosis? If so, then I would consider it maybe a little inappropriate. If not.... Then I think it was just an innocent thing taken the wrong way. People love to joke about what kids will do when they grow up based on what they do now.... People say things about what cailen will be when he grows up all the time....

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Posted by maybebaby

One thing I can say...and please don't take this the wrong way, b/c we've ALL been there...but remember that a lot of people are not going to look at your child and see a disability of any kind. People for the most part are just seeing a child...know what I mean?

To clarify...kids regardless of being typically developing or atypically developing do weird things. Things that are funny, repetitive, whacky etc...and because we as the parents of a special needs child are going to be very hypersensitive of their behaviors or obsessions, get on the defensive over comments that may actually just be harmless observations. Does this make any sense??

I'm not dismissing how you feel at all..just trying to show another side. Your friend prob didn't think twice, and thought she was making a harmless joke. Try not to let it bug you...

I remember being so nervous/protective around johnny all the time. He would often do things that i knew weren't completely typical, but honestly i don't think many people around me ever noticed. Like when he jumped around a lot while watching tv...he would jump around the room all excited and it would bug me b/c, well other kids his age didn't seem to do that. Yet when i pointed out how "odd" it was to friends they were like "he just has tons of energy, relax, my kid does funny stuff too". Lol..

Don't know if my reply helps at all. Hugs to you!

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Posted by Bluepixie

Posted by maybebaby

I'm not dismissing how you feel at all..just trying to show another side. Your friend prob didn't think twice, and thought she was making a harmless joke. Try not to let it bug you...

IDon't know if my reply helps at all. Hugs to you!

I know it was a joke, which is why I brushed it off pretty quickly. But my DH is really super sensitive to all comments right now. I just know we're going to have alot of these to field and I was curious how others developed that thick skin. It's tough when this is still so raw, you know.

Thanks for the response. They all help

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Did your friend know anything about his diagnosis? If so, then I would consider it maybe a little inappropriate. If not.... Then I think it was just an innocent thing taken the wrong way. People love to joke about what kids will do when they grow up based on what they do now.... People say things about what cailen will be when he grows up all the time....

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

I have come to make those comments myself about DS. You know what? You have to make light of the situation. But YOU are not there yet.

Your friend I am sure was trying to make light of it too. HOPING to make everything look like normal.

BUT... the beginning is really hard. Everything would have upseted me. Not so much for the joke itself but the crash reality of our situation. The broken dreams. All our premade expectations of what could have, SHOULD HAVE been. All down the drain. We had to rethink of the "what if" of the future. HIS future with and without us. It's tough!!! Believe me... I know!

But there will be a time when you will be in a routine, getting use to the new life. Learning just like he will be learning, how to adapt, how to make it work for all of you.

Then....you will not worry so much about the comments.

It's been 2 years for us. I will be honest that while I have come to laugh about stuff people say (and they mean no harm or trying to be hurtful!!!!). Either because it is funny indeed or because some comments are just "dumb"...I am not completely there. As DS ages, we have new challenges. I am sure there will be many more. But it does get easier as time passed. The diagnostic will be just that. A diagnostic.

I cried and cried for months at the beginning. Feeingl sad for me, my DH, DS. I gained 40 Lbs. Focusing only on DS and getting what he needed. Neglecting my house, my friends.

After 1.5 years, I lost the weight. Realizing I had been though a depression without really realizing all along. I took charge of me again. And how important it was that I took mental breaks. And that will be very important for you and your DH to take breaks. VERY IMPORTANT!!!! You are in this for the long run. You will try to be superwoman. Super strong mentally but you won't be, you CAN'T be. Accept that grieving period. That's adaption and acceptance.

It's new. It's raw.

But we are all here to help you mentally, answering your questions, letting you vent. We know your feelings are real because, while we all have our own experience and level of dealing with it, we have been there.

You WILL need to talk to parents of children with special needs, at least once in a while. You will feel validated in your fear. You will not be dismissed and you will feel someone DOES understand you. The conversation will not be about trying to convince people but a weight off your shoulders as if "oh she DOES get it".

Do things at your own pace. And if you need a break from your friends, then do it!

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

Posted by Bluepixie

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Did your friend know anything about his diagnosis? If so, then I would consider it maybe a little inappropriate. If not.... Then I think it was just an innocent thing taken the wrong way. People love to joke about what kids will do when they grow up based on what they do now.... People say things about what cailen will be when he grows up all the time....

Yeah, she knew. I should have mentioned that..

Re: Need some thick skin for thoughtless comments...

I may get jumped on here... but just another side of things. As much as some of us know the severity of Autism, many do not. I have told friends of mine about my job where I work with Autistic children and I am shocked by how many people, most who do not have children, have no CLUE what it means and how it effects these sweet kids. I'm sure your friend didnt mean any harm, but yes it's hard to hear.
The one child that I work with one-on-one is very quirky. He is so cute I just want to eat him up. But there are things he does that are typical of a child with Autism that I try and correct ... like talking in a baby voice and shying away from people that he doesnt know. People say ' Oh my gosh he is so cute'.. but to me it's like, he isn't being cute, he is overwhelmed and nervous and scared and that's how it comes out. With time, your close friends and family will learn how to handle all of you, what to say and what not to say. Family/close friends can be so helpful with these little kids.... they just need to be educated sometimes. Im sorry you are upset. I'm sure your little man is the light of your life and things like this hurt very deeply.