Appointment today at the Cody Center.

Not really sure what to expect. This will be the first of 4 appointments. I go by myself with the 1 million past evaluations from various agencies and medical professionals.
Ava will go to the next 2. The fourth I will go by myself for the "diagnosis".

Wondering if there will be a clear diagnosis, or if I will leave there just as confused as when I am going in.

I got a bonus from a past job and that is the only reason why I am able to afford this evaluation. Other people would be improving on their home or taking a family vacation with this unexpected check. But I, once again, am still searching, begging, pleading for an answer. A final answer. I need someone to tell me what "it" is. Tell me what do to. Tell me there are other parents going through this exact same thing and tell me where to find them.

It has been 5 long years of this. The first 2 years of her life were great. Just like I expected. After that, I have been thrown for a loop. Put in a place that I never imagined. I have tried. I have given up. I have been given hope. I have paid thousands of dollars- for what? Things are not the way they are supposed to be.

I always wanted a daughter. I wanted us to be best friends and do all sorts of fun things together. I have tried, time and again. All of my efforts usually end in one or both of us crying, embarrassment and defeat.

I am sad, angry, cheated, depressed! I want what I ordered. A 'normal" little girl. I guess that is what we all want. It is a grieving processes. That never ends.

I feel like everyone else has a clear diagnosis, a plan. Everyone is is doing the best that they can for their child. Their child's situation is not their fault. Why do I feel like Ava's situation is my fault? Why do I always feel guilt?

Being Ava's Mother is hard. You know what makes it harder? Being Brody's Mother. Why? Because he is totally different. Absolutely "normal". Friendly, easy going, easy to be with. I don't feel bad about myself when I am with him. It is easy to understand his needs. I am not embarrassed or judged because of his behavior.

I want my daughter back. The sweet, happy baby that I used to have. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I am hoping that maybe this visit to the Cody Center can give me a new perspective and maybe some hope.

I am sorry for rambling, but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

I have no experience with the Cody Center, but I sent you FM anyway.

Good luck today!

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Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

I had some of these feelings this past weekend, as we were getting a haircut and DS FLIPPED out.

It's just so draining sometimes.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

I hope you can find what you are searching for.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

I can relate on so many levels.

The grieving process you are describing is called chronic grieving. You go through phases or down and up. Yet, reliving the original grieving.

I too long for a "normal" child sometimes. And while I love my son to pieces it's really hard for me not to wish I had had the "real deal". When you come home and your kid rushes to see you and hugs you and tell you he loves you and how beautiful you are. A kid that does not FREAK OUT for 2.5 years when taking a bath. That you can go to places like normal people. That it does not involve bringing special food until almost 4 yo. Bringing diapers for an almost 4 yo STILL not potty trained. Not screaming "ahhh" non stop in stores and people starring at you. I did not ask for 9 therapists to come to my house on and off every day and become a project manager.

It's not what I signed up for. Had I known, I would have remained a childless couple.

Yes, I know it's harsh and cold. But it is the truth.

Yet, we love him so much. He is such a cutie. He is clueless of his disability and he is so happy in his own little World.

The stress is on us... his parents. Because we are trying the best for him. Not that I think I can change him. There is no doubt on his diagnostic. He is FULLY autistic. Not bordeline with any chance of a "mistake" on his diagnostic.

We really have no choice but to embrace it as much as possible to give him the "best chances" for him to make it in OUR society. Not to change him but for him to be able to adapt as much as possible.

And that's all we can do.

So we will spend hours and hours on speech therapies with still no words at 4 yo. Driving at crazy time to go to that 30 minutes session during rush hour. We will try horseback riding, we will try swimming and if tomorrow we think he will need to go to the moon to get better, I might work non stop for him to be able to go. And maybe it won't go nowhere with no results but at least in my heart I tried it all for him.

Message edited 6/13/2011 6:19:01 PM.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

SOPHIE.........you said it perfect.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

I watched my mother go through this with my brother, so I feel for you.

My brother has autism and took social skills classes at the Cody Center and they were amazing. I hope you get the answers you are looking for from them.

I've been in Brody's place, except older (there's 7 years b/t me and my brother and 6 years b/t my two brothers). But it shaped me into the person I am today. I grew up extremely patient and wound up loving working in early childhood because I had the patience for it, growing up learning the need to be flexible with my brother.

One thing that helped my mom was a support group. The fact that this board exists is phenomenal for support. But maybe somewhere you can talk and meet other parents may be beneficial.

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I just wanted to add that I do a ME only activity every week. I went back to horseback riding after not riding for almost 20 years.

This is MY time. I need it! I almost gave it up a few months ago because I felt guilty for spending $$$ but I decided against it.

I had to have an "escape".

You will need to find it too. It's so important to have a stress reliever... whatever the activity!

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

First, many . I am sorry you have been searching all this time with no answers, and I hope you get some from the Cody Center.

DS was diagnosed with PDD-NOS a couple months ago. While this was upsetting, I think it was harder in the years previous, when I knew something was wrong, but no one else seemed to see it. His pediatrician said he was fine. One specialist we saw said he was fine. EI said he was fine, just had a speech delay. The first time anyone told me they saw the same concerning behaviors I saw was his teacher at daycare. Her responses on the reports she wrote for his CPSE evaluation committee made an impact, I feel. Basically, anyone who spent a short span of time with DS felt he was fine, but anyone (me and his teachers) who saw him day-to-day everday had a different story. Like your DC, the first 18 months or so of DSs life he developed pretty typically. After that, things changed.

So I do so understand how you feel. And I hope you get some answers. Good luck, and feel free to FM if you would like.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

i know how u feel on so many levels. i hope the appt. went well and u are on your way to some answers and help!

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.

Re: Appointment today at the Cody Center.