Miscarriage and the man

I know this is likely the wrong forum, but I need to type. I need to write this.

7 weeks ago my wife and I were on cloud nine. After nearly 2 years, numerous doctors, tests and fertility clinics we FINALLY were going to have a baby. A week or so ago, we were given news that the babies heart beat was not strong. Thursday the concern grew heavier and Friday were told that the baby would not make it. My wife right now is going through the beginning stages of a miscarriage and tomorrow, we're going to her doctor.

Since Friday, my wife and I have been pretty miserable. Friday, I cried. First time in a very VERY long time. Then I went into crisis mode, her parents and mine were informed and then asked to inform those who knew we were expecting. I tried to remove some of the reminders from immediate sight while also canceling the weekend and informing my job I would be out Monday and likely Tuesday.

Friday's breakdown was similar to when you hear of a death of loved 1. But since, my focus has been on my wife, and her physical and mental health through the ordeal. I've tried to stay busy but today... well today has been tough. I'm watching my wife go through this and feel helpless. But also, I am heart broken myself, but have to hold it in,

How do I cope? How did you (or your husband) cope? I cannot imagine what she is going through. Never in my life have I felt like this. having always considered myself "strong" and not very emotional, I don't know what to do. Normally, I'd hop on a bike and go out to clear my head. The rain is even stopping that. I know I fell in love with a thought. A dream. I thought about the day I would post in on facebook for all my friends to know we were expecting. The day, the baby would be here and I had the chance to go out and tell everybody "its a ___". The thoughts of his first football game, or her first words. I don't know what to do. I have never felt like this and I can express my pain. I have to write it because I just don't want to further upset my wife. She is dealing with so much, I don't want her to deal with me on top of it.

My wife is strong. She is upset, but dealing well. Our family who are aware of whats happening have been great with respecting our privacy and need to be alone.

But I feel so empty. So weak. So lost. Every dream and every prayer was taken away from me and there is nothing I could do about it. I don't know if I can ever do this again.

Re: Miscarriage and the man

I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through.

This is NOT the wrong board. I think this is the right place to get this out. We are mostly women here, but we have all been through miscarriage too (some of us IF as well) and have a sense of what you are going through.

My husband is very upset about my miscarriage, but he is trying to be strong for me and not show it too much. He said he feels he has to do that so that I don't fall apart. I think he could relate to what you are saying. I can definitely relate to the idea of "falling in love with a dream." It's so emotionally devastating to suddenly lose that dream. It's a grieving process and it's normal.

Know that all of your feelings are normal. Post on this board for support if it's helpful, I feel like it's a good place to let your feelings out. We are here for you and I wish you the best on your path to healing.

Re: Miscarriage and the man

I know all to well the disappointment you are feeling. For my husband it was hard because he knew there is nothing he can do. I know you are trying to stay strong for her and that is what you have to keep doing. For me since it was my body, it hurt more knowing that I couldn't give my husband a baby. As terrible as that sounds, I felt worse for him than I felt for myself. I really needed my husband to be the rock. But with that said, you are both going through this. So take care of both of you and keep telling her and yourself that this will happen for you guys and like with any loss time will help you heal.

Re: Miscarriage and the man

i know all too well the emotions you are describing.
1 week and 3 days ago, we went in for our 9 week sonogram, floating on cloud 9. we had seen our baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and 7.4 weeks... and even though we held our breath each time we walked into that office, waiting to make sure all was right - we were stilll filled with hope and elation every moment from the day i took that home pregnancy test, 6 weeks prior. for 6 weeks, our lives had new meaning. dreams were coming true.
but then, that night - there was no heartbeat. and everything came to a screeching hault.
dreams have been shattered, there is a loss of excitement and hope. there is an emptiness now. there have been tears and anger, every single day.
some days are worse than others... but all you can do is take it one day at a time, and remember this is a grieving process. there will be a range of emotions for you both... this is a loss. a death. just because your baby was not *here* - it was still your baby. this is something that will change you both, and that will be a part of you forever.
people will try to tell you all sorts of things to make you feel better - how common this can be, how it's god's way, how everything happens for a reason, how it could be worse and what you should be grateful for...
what i have learned is that people just don't know what to say... unless they have been through it, they really just don't know. my husband tends to internalize everything... and for him, it's turning into anger. i feel angry too sometimes, but bc he internalizes so much - he has a different kind of anger, and when someone says the wrong thing, it hits him a lot harder and he doesn't have the patience for it.
we all deal with things differently... your wife may seem strong but she needs you - and you need her. just turn to one another for support and strength, bc at the end of the day - this is happening to you both and there is no one better to understand what you're going through right now, than each other.
i wish i could tell you *how* to get through this... but this is a fresh wound for me as well. all i can do is take it one day at a time. all i know that makes me feel better right now is being with my husband and talking to other girls who have been through it. anyone else, i really don't want to be around or talk to right now.
i don't know if your wife is on this site, but if she isn't, it may help her. it has me. and we are all here for you as well. hang in there, let yourself feel what you're feeling and just put one foot in front of the other. time does't heal all wounds but it does make the sting easier to deal with. incredibly sorry for your loss

Re: Miscarriage and the man

Oh, I feel like crying reading your post…I’m sooooo sorry you guys are dealing with this. We had a miscarriage in March (I was 11 weeks) and we still talk about it and are still so sad about it. My husband tries to put on a brave face, but I know he’s heartbroken, like I am. He told me the other day that he sees my face sometimes, and how sad I am and he breaks down inside.
I say that you should share with her how you feel. She needs people right now who understand what she’s going through, and the one closest to understanding is you. You guys had a horrible loss and you need to be there for eachother.
Again, I’m sooooo incredibly sorry to you guys!!!

Re: Miscarriage and the man

I am so sorry for what you and your wife are going through.

Back in March I went through a very early miscarriage. When something like this happens most if not all of the focus is on us. Speaking from experience, you can be strong for your wife and still be able to talk about how much it hurts. This is especially the case since it sometimes feels like we are all alone in what we are going through. You are partners and the best way to get through this loss is together. I encourage you to give the the opportunity to be there for you too.

Again, I am so sorry. And of course you can always come here and talk whenever you need to.

Re: Miscarriage and the man

All of here can relate to how you and your wife are feeling.

My husband turned his focus toward me. He never let me see him get upset, but I know he did (and it would have totally been okay - he just felt like he had to be strong in front of me). He kept himself very busy with projects around the house and waiting on me after my D&C.

However I have seen some other things in him that lead me to believe maybe he didn't deal with his own emotions enough. He is anxious to try again as well whereas I am terrified of the whole process again (it took us nearly a year to get pregnant in the first place). I do know he felt better talking to people about it - whether they had been through it or not even. The secret/keeping it in was hard on him.

It will take time and you BOTH need time to grieve and recover from the emotional shock.

Re: Miscarriage and the man

Well today we went to the Dr and everything was confirmed. My wife is coping very well; knowing that God chose this. She has surgery tomorrow because the once faint heart beat is no longer - but she has to "cleaned." Sorry, I am not sure of the exact term.

I have a picture on my phone from when my wife was on the phone with the doctor and having the pregnancy blood work confirmed. The smile on her face and the way she is glowing is so upsetting now to see. I want to delete it, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

I would like to thank all of you brave ladies for your kind words, support and well wishes. Your husbands are all very lucky! Its still tough and I am sure tomorrow will be rough. In a strange way, this has brought us closer and I love her even more then ever. We experience so much good, we never dealt with any tragedy together in the 8+ years we have been together (dating-married).

Thank you again. I wish nothing but the best for all of you!

Re: Miscarriage and the man

i have pictures on my phone of my positive pregnancy test... i can't bring myself to delete those either. if/when i'm ready, i will... maybe with my next pregnancy, maybe before, maybe never. you definitely shouldn't delete that picture if you're not ready... use it to keep hope that you will see that glow on your wife's face once again.
good luck to her with the D&C tomorrow... physically, it isn't bad - the emotional rollar coaster of this all is what is torturous