Friends based on status

I cant believe how I cant shake this statement that a parent made to me today in converstaion. They said that people do playdates based on peoples staus. In other words based on the parents income, parents education, area they live in, etc... Really?!?! how shallow. This is my first child in school. Does this really exist? How terrible that a child cant even make the cuts for a friendship. Sad to say the least. True or untrue?

Re: Friends based on status

Eh.. I'm going to get flamed for this.. but I'll bite.

Mommy games are natural when you have young kids. We are drawn to certain people for whatever reason. I don't often see it happen based on social status or wealth.. but I'm sure that's the case with some people. I think it's more about who you feel drawn to. I have met moms that I have just CLICKED with - similar viewpoints, interests, sense of humor or whatever. As a FTWM I had a lot of time commitments and the best way for me to 'date' another mom was to get our kids together. And there were moms that I did NOT click with or that I - honestly - thought were crass or unlikeable. So if Robbie or No wanted a playdate - which when they were young meant at least 1.5 hours solid with the kid and his parent - I'd definitely push them toward the people *I* preferred to hang out with.

The time frame for that is pretty small. Once the kids were old enough to have kids over without the parents, I cared a LOT less about who they wanted to invite because I wasn't going to have to sit with the mom for the entire time. Now I only really care about how the child behaves. What I CAN say is that sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.. so if the mom is obnoxious and rude, I've generally found that the kid is similar. And I do not like having rude kids at my house so I WILL sometimes dissuade my kids from repeat performances with certain children. They can be friends with them.. but I just prefer them to hang out where I don't have to deal with the other kid being destructive, dangerous or flat out nasty.

The only real issue I have with this game is when the parents force friendships. If my kid doesn't like yours, I'm not going to force him to have play dates just because I like you. And if my kid likes yours and I dislike you, I'm gonna suck it up and deal.

I think it's fine to want your kids to be friends with people that you like. I'm sure there are people who 'like' others based on income or job or education level or looks - I call them superficial and avoid them.

Message edited 6/6/2012 11:20:57 PM.

Re: Friends based on status

I agree that generally my kids are around kids that I generally "like" the parent. I havent come across too many parents that I have hated for one reason or another. I am also a FTWM so basically I am not looking for extra friendships but rather my child to make her individual friendships. If i "click" with their parent, great! To me its an extra bonus. I see what you mean about as they get older it becomes more simple bc the parents will back off and get out of intervening.

Re: Friends based on status

That's really funny. How do they know? Do they conduct a play date interview?

I've never heard of such a thing. I do play dates with 2 little boys who live next to me. One is right next door, the other is 2 houses down. It's convenient.

There is another little boy from school who wants L to come over soon. The parents are nice, if they want to play together it's fine with me.

If the parents are nice and the kid is nice I'm fine with it. I don't have any specific requirements. That parent sounds a little nutty. I would scratch her off my pay date list if I were you.

Re: Friends based on status

Posted by greenybeans

That's really funny. How do they know? Do they conduct a play date interview?

I've never heard of such a thing. I do play dates with 2 little boys who live next to me. One is right next door, the other is 2 houses down. It's convenient.

There is another little boy from school who wants L to come over soon. The parents are nice, if they want to play together it's fine with me.

If the parents are nice and the kid is nice I'm fine with it. I don't have any specific requirements. That parent sounds a little nutty. I would scratch her off my pay date list if I were you.

Re: Friends based on status

I don't care about that kind of stuff and we live in an area that is very diverse. The chools are on lotto so DS attends with kids from all over town- some nicer areas and some not so nice. I work, so to be honest, most of his playmates are with my friends kids so I can get some playmate time too. But DS loves it because he sees his school friends all day and he's happy to have a change of pace. I think ths summer, when I'm off, I will have more play dates with school friends.

Re: Friends based on status

I'm sure there are people that use their kid as social climbing vehicles.

I'd rather steer my kids towards the ones with stable parents that I feel have good values (not related to income). So for me, education is a part of it. I want someone who values that.

I think choosing playdates based on income is foolish. There are plenty of wealthy families where the kids are completely screwed up. A lot of money, parental guilt & lack of supervision is a scary thing.

Message edited 6/7/2012 9:43:14 AM.

Re: Friends based on status

^^^ My kids are not allowed to play with Barb's kids because I don't like her husband's occupation.

Re: Friends based on status

Posted by rojerono

^^^ My kids are not allowed to play with Barb's kids because I don't like her husband's occupation.

Re: Friends based on status

i noticed since DD has been in school (shes in 1st grade this year) the elementary schools are just "clicky" its totally different from preschool when everyone was friends and always had playdates together.

its just a different world once they get to elementary school.

i did experience being left out of something and i feel that it was because they all owned boats, lived on the water, and were a few years older than me...but i dont let it bother me because DD will always make new friends each year, and we have many friends who dont judge us for what we have or dont have.

Re: Friends based on status

Omg.. I'm going through something so similar. My neighborhood is extremely clicky and is mostly upper middle class then goes straight to very poor. My issue is with the clicks because DS is fairly new to the area- not born here which seems to isolate many of the kids from the rest. I have no kids at all on my block or around!! The last kid his age moved last year with his mom bc his parents got divorced. The saddest part is that DS did not get invited to not one birthday party this entire year of school with classmates. His teacher said he is very well liked and helps all the kids and no issues at all. One mom told me that in kindergarten, it's more about the moms social attitudes and relationships than actual friendships at 5 years old. It still makes me sad though. I'm full time working so it's impossible to really playdate. Hoping things change in 1st grade My schedule lightened up so I am calling a bunch of moms to open communication lines this summer and see where it goes.

Re: Friends based on status

My group wasn't like that, believe me or I would not be friends with them. Huge income gap between them and me.
I flocked towards them because #1...the can afford to sah...so they were available.
#2...they had money to take kids to different activities.