My first baby is gone

I am absolutely devastated and I don't know how to deal with it. A little over 12 years ago, my sister and I brought home the cutest little puppy we had ever seen, our Fonzie. He was the center of my life for the first 6 years of his life and then I moved out and my sister took over ownership of him. I loved and missed him but I knew he was in good hands. About 6 years ago, my sister moved in with DH and I and I had my Fonzie back but DH and I also had our own dog and cat so I feel like I never fully gave him the attention he deserved. He would bark at me when I went down there and I would kiss him and move on. I guess life got in the way as poor of an excuse as that sounds. My sister lived downstairs in an apartment and I would see him every day but I feel like I never gave him all of the attention he once got from me. He had a cough for a while but they had diagnosed him with a collapsed trachea and so we thought that was it. Tuesday night he stopped eating and was acting strange so we took him to the vet and were told he has congestive heart failure and that he wasn't comfortable but that they didn't recommend putting him down just yet and that we should try meds as a last ditch effort. They also had him on oxygen and said he was responding well but that they closed at 8pm and that if we wanted to continue the oxygen, we should take him to a 24hour clinic but it would cost us thousands of dollars and there was no promise he would make it through the night. If they would have told me he would be guaranteed, I wouldn't have thought twice but I didn't want him somewhere suffering when he might not make it through the night. We made the tough decision to bring him home and monitor him on the meds and hoped he would be okay. Around 2:30pm, he barked 4 times and collapsed and took his last breaths. I just can't forgive myself for not trying something more but I really thought he was going to be okay. I have such guilt that all these years, I didn't give him enough attention. I can't get the image of him out of my head and I am just truly heartbroken to think that he suffered even in those few hours. I am mad at myself and I am so angry at the veterinarian for sending us home with him instead of giving him a little more time on the oxygen to see if the meds would kick in too. They told us to bring him down there when we called at 6:30 and we rushed down there only to be told, we don't staff after 8 so we have to stop the oxygen. I am just so mad at everything, especially myself. I know I sound insane but I just wish I could have done more. I just hope he realizes how much I loved him, regardless of how much time I have spent with him these last years. I dont know what I am looking for but I just feel horrible and guilty and don't know how to get passed it but hope these next couple of days go quickly. I still wait to hear his bark as I walk in and it breaks my heart that I will never hear it again. I just feel like a crazy person. Here is my little man.

Message edited 5/16/2014 5:33:45 PM.

My first baby is gone

Sorry for your loss. I'm sure he knows how much you loved him.

Re: My first baby is gone

I am so so sorry. Regrets are awful. I have some regrets too with my childhood pets that have passed so I do understand.

I would have done the same if I were you, honestly. To go to the emergency vet when it's not guaranteed, I don't know how many people would be able to chance that financially. I know you feel like you left him but if you moving out of living with your sister, you could not split him so it was actually nice of you to have him be with her when you moved in with your DH.

I am so sorry, it hurts so much, especially when we look back and say could have, should have, etc. We do the best we can and sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. But it was the best you could do and Fonzie was loved I am sure and knew it too.

Message edited 5/16/2014 10:33:13 PM.

Re: My first baby is gone

I am so, so sorry for your loss

Re: My first baby is gone

I am so so sorry.

I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

Re: My first baby is gone

Thank you ladies all so much for listening, your words mean so much. I guess time will help but I am just so heartbroken. I am just glad he isn't suffering anymore.

Re: My first baby is gone

I am so sorry for your loss.

Re: My first baby is gone

sorry for your loss.
you really cant beat yourself up over it. he passed at home with the people who cared for him.
maybe for the future find a vet that has a overnight staff rather than them just tell you to take to an er type of place. honestly the same thing could have happened there and you would have still got stuck with the bill.
sounds like he lived a nice love filled life.

Re: My first baby is gone

I know the pain of losing a pet and it really is something that nobody else "gets" unless they have been there.
Know that time does soften it, but it never really goes away for good.
But one day you will be able to look back with smiles instead of tears.
For now, just hang in there!

My first baby is gone

I am so sorry :(

What animal hospital was this?

Re: My first baby is gone

I'm so sorry

Re: My first baby is gone

Re: My first baby is gone

I put my 12 year old American Bulldog to sleep yesterday. I'm absolutely devastated. My kids and my husband are as well. I truly feel like I lost one of my children. Please know you are not alone and your furbaby is with mine.

Re: My first baby is gone

Re: My first baby is gone

omg, I am so sorry for your loss. i know there are no words....

Re: My first baby is gone

We all know the pain, we understand..so sorry for your loss.

Re: My first baby is gone

Re: My first baby is gone

I'm so sorry

Re: My first baby is gone

It's tough and I feel the same way about my cat now.