DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry) UPDATED

Don't know what to do, but I have to do something in the morning.

From the first time I met her, I've not been happy with DD's teacher. She does not seem fitted to teaching 3rd grade, and does not seem to have consideration for the fact that they are only 8 years old (some are still 7). I know that there is a lot of pressure on her, and that the kids need to learn a lot this year, but she does not seem to even understand how an 8 year old operates.

For example: she spoke to me one day because DD was wearing a shirt with fringe on the bottom, and was "playing with it all day, and was very distracted by the fringe". She made it seem like my DD had OCD, and had to keep touching it. So I asked DD, "What was up with the shirt all day?" So she said, very pleased, "Mommy, you're going to be so happy...I FINALLY learned how to braid! I practiced all summer, and finally I can do it!!" Why couldn't the teacher just ask her that simple question? Then she could have told DD that while it was great that she learned to braid, she had to leave the shirt alone for now. And that would have been the end of it.

Another day, DD missed the bus, so DH drove her. He gave her a piece of gum on the way. When she got to school, the teacher asked what was in her mouth. DD said it was a piece of gum that her Dad gave her. The teacher then said, "What, do you think you're in high school??" Was that really necessary? Just tell her to throw it away.

Today, when I was about to give her medicine for her "illness", she started talking, voice quivering, and told me that she lied about being sick because she didn't want to go to school. Tears were welling up in her eyes and she said that her teacher is mean to her, and nice to everybody else, and that she doesn't want to go back to school. So I talked to her for a long time, and it seems that the teacher is "mean" to all the kids who have attention problems, and seems to have very little patience with them. She told me that sometimes when she makes a mistake on her work, the teacher grabs the eraser from her and erases "really hard" and tells her to try again.

Now, I know that this is all through the eyes of an 8-year old, but still...this is her reality. To her, this is how she is being treated. I explained to her that not all teachers will be nice. I told her a story of a mean teacher that I had, and how I had to just get through it, because the teacher was just trying to get us to learn so much that year.

I don't know what else to do. I don't want DD feeling like she is being singled out, but I also don't want the teacher to feel like she has to be "fake" around DD, and I'm afraid that if I call her that she will then really start to dislike DD. I think I truly want her out of the class, but how do I go about that without making a federal case about it, and then won't the new teacher already have DD in her targets?

Any advice or opinions?

UPDATE:

Thank you everybody for your responses. So much has happened in the past week or so. I had already met with the teacher, just a few days before this incident and thought we had a good understanding of what my daughter needed. So, I went to the Principal. She had DD speak to the Social Worker about what was happening. I was ok with the situation after speaking to the Social Worker. She said she was in touch with the teacher, and that my DD seemed ok with how things were going in the classroom. Then on Friday (Halloween), I told DD I would paint her nails for Halloween, cause they weren't allowed to wear any costumes, have any kind of party, celebration...nothing. They were only allowed to wear Halloween accessories. I didn't want DD to have all kinds of stuff to mess with, so I painted her nails like candy corn. I told her I would drive her to school so we didn't have to worry about making the bus, or her nails getting messed up on the bus. So while I was doing it, she said to me, "I hope Mrs. So and So doesn't ask me if this was more important than my schoolwork." I asked some questions to find out what she was talking about, and it seemed that the day before, when she didn't have her homework done, the teacher asked if her baseball practice was more important than her schoolwork. NOW...to me, schoolwork is VERY important, but she took 1 hour out of the night for baseball. She also had a doctor's appointment. She was up til 10pm doing homework when I said it was enough! She had a social studies study packet for a test, a music study packet for a test, a Common Core math review, word study assignment, and reading. I wrote a note in her agenda that she didn't get her word study or her reading done. That was my decision to make as her mother. And yes, she is allowed to go to a sport for 1 hour. That is also my decision as her mother. I think the amount of homework assigned that night was unreasonable for an 8 year old. So, I called the Social Worker like a lunatic. She asked if I thought we should all have a meeting. I told her that I was not adverse to a meeting, but that I didn't need people to take time out of their day to tell them to STOP making snide remarks to my daughter. So...we had a meeting. Me, the teacher, and the School Psychologist. The teacher tried telling me that she is always aware of how students may take her words, and tries to be very careful about what she says...blah, blah, blah. I know my DD can be annoying...I'm the first to admit it. But making comments like that to her will not fly with me. She even told me that my DD is the only one in the class who "gets" her humor; that DD often is the only kid who laughs at what the teacher is trying to make a joke of; that DD is very mature in that way...so she know that DD gets what she says, and DD knows the spirit in which it is delivered. So, the way we left it is that DD will have a daily assessment of her behavior, and will be rewarded for good behavior in the classroom. We will be doing something similar at home for homework time. And at her 504 meeting, in a week or two, I will be requesting either a shared aide for the classroom (there are apparently 5 kids with attention problems), or I will be asking that DD be moved to a class with more staff support, like an inclusion class, where there will be extra people to try to keep her on task. Regardless of any changes that may or may not be made, the teacher and I will be in more contact, and any time I have a concern about something that is said or done in the class, I will be calling her and not letting it build up.

Message edited 11/10/2014 12:51:52 AM.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I think the first step is requesting a meeting with the teacher and explain what your child is presenting.

If after that there continue to be problems, I would ask to meet with the principal.

Also does she have any special services in school? That's another good way to get feedback about a teacher's interactions.

I do think teachers are under a tremendous amount of pressure, but at the same time, they are human and are not going to mesh with every kid.

I also think it's challenging to teach every kid, especially with certain issues SN kids present with. I know you see it one way, but if a child is playing with their clothes all day and not focusing on their work, that is going to be challenging for a teacher.

I work in a similar field and I will be honest and say that there are certain clients that push my buttons, as well as what their family is requesting for them just not being realistic.

I do the best that I can though and fortunately have a good team/other providers I work with as well.

I also tend to reach out to family a lot about some of my more challenging individuals. I think communication is very important and often they are experiencing similar issues at home. Maybe this is a strategy you can utilize as well in a non-confrontational kind of way.

I have one mother who can be unrealistic and confrontational and it makes it difficult. I have to ignore her a lot as a result.

Again, not a teacher but offering a similar perspective since I lead a day program.

Message edited 10/28/2014 6:22:01 AM.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

No, she doesn't get any special services. I am the least confrontational person I know, and the idea of even having to talk to the teacher about this kept me up for hours. I am going to try to talk to her this morning, and approach it as, "this is what my dtr is feeling" and try to see if there is some way to work through it. If not, we'll call a conference I guess to get her class changed. I think it reaches another level once a child starts pretending to be sick just so she doesn't have to be subjected to the teacher.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I would also broach the extra services and see what the teacher thinks....at least get an eval.

If there are issues with attention like you mentioned, changing her classroom is not necessarily going to fix the problem.

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I think regardless of whether she has services or not, teachers like this will act the same. In my kids school careers, one in high school and one in middle school, I have come across a few teachers like this. Sometimes it because they are at the end of their career, sometimes they are just not cut out for the grade they are teaching.

I find with my son, in particular, who has ADHD, that his teacher is one of two ways: they either see detect his problems immediately and want to everything they can to help him, or they see him as a annoyance in the classroom and constantly give him a hard time. His teacher last year was constantly harping on him, and making his feel like he was not as good as the other kids. He was constantly asking if he could miss school, playing sick, crying at night because he hated it. His 504 services actually made it worse for him because the teacher didn't do things on the sly, and constantly redirected him loudly and it embarrassed him in front of everyone. He was always telling me the teacher treated him like he was "special", when he really just has a focus problem.

It's sad to see them hate school like that. I would address it with the teacher, but in a gentle way. If you piss this woman off, that may not bode well for your daughter either. I might also involve the principal in the meeting, so he/she is aware of whats going on.

Message edited 10/28/2014 8:57:59 AM.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I would start with talking to the teacher and see how she comes across to you. She may just run a right ship. And although that style if teaching may not mesh with your DD, that is not enough for school to switch her class.
I really didn't like DS teacher last year. She didn't have a warm bone in her body. It wasn't the greatest year for DS, but I'll tell you what, she was a good teacher and he earned a lot.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I agree with talking to the teacher, and presenting your concerns, but in a neutral way. I would come at it (to start) from the standpoint of "my daughter is feeling anxious about school, being reprimanded in class, etc." and ask the teacher about strategies that both you and she can use to alleviate the situation. That way, you are taking a problem-solving approach and positioning you and the teacher on the same "team" to help your daughter (which should be the case anyway). I wouldn't take a confrontational stance or accuse the teacher of doing anything wrong at this point or mishandling anything. I would also try to bring up specific instances your daughter mentioned that upset her and troubleshoot with the teacher about those (for example, how it can be avoided in the future) than discuss general complaints (like the teacher being impatient or singling out your daughter).

I think you took a right step in talking to your daughter, empathizing, and explaining about your own school experiences. But I would be careful not to imply that her teacher is "mean." I would try to explain that every teacher has a different style, different personalities, etc. And I would also explain that it's very important to pay attention when the teacher is explaining a lesson or to focus on the classwork when assigned. Like with the braiding shirt issue - Just explain that it's wonderful that she can braid now (and her practice paid off!) but in class is not the time and place for that. She should save it for recess or after school or whatever. Again, not in a critical way, but just reinforcing appropriate school behavior, trying your best to listen, and that type of thing.

Beyond your daughter being upset and anxious about going to school, do you feel she is learning? Do you see progress academically? If the anxiety/fear of the teacher is hindering the learning, then I'd be more concerned.

I would not request a class change. I think that should be a last resort, if it's ever used. My DS is only in kindergarten, so I don't have a lot of experience yet, but I think it is good for kids to learn to adapt to various classroom settings, teaching styles, etc. (as long as the situation is not extreme -- abusive, etc.). Do you speak to other parents in the class? Do you know how they feel about the teacher? Have you been able to observe any interaction between the teacher and the class (such as at class parties, chaperoning field trips)?

At this point - I'd just open up a dialogue with the teacher, and keep talking to your daughter, and see if things improve as the year continues.

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I don't know- I am going to go against the grain here. When I was in 2nd grade, I hated my teacher. She constantly singled me out, picked on me, etc. My mom came up to the school once and actually caught her berating me in the hallway. I may've been a class clown, but I was not as bad as she made me out to be. In the end- the teacher was killed in a car accident and I lucked out and got my favorite teacher as a replacement.

If your daughter is upset enough to fake being sick- I would absolutely investigate it further. Write a note/e-mail and set up a meeting ASAP. I hear you on the non-confrontational thing, but your daughter needs to enjoy being at school. They're not even two months in, yet. It will be an awful year if it doesn't get straightened out.

Good luck to you!

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

One of my children has had a teacher like this, but that teacher was not mean to MY child, but I saw it with a few other children. I was in the classroom a lot, and I saw the way the teacher spoke to some of the children, and it was rude and condescending. It was always the same children, and they happened to be children that needed to be prompted to do certain things or redirected. I never understand why teachers become teachers if they don't have the patience to deal with ALL of the students. I would speak to the teacher, then go to the Principal if you don't get any satisfaction.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Message edited 10/28/2014 2:35:00 PM.

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

It's hard for us as parents to see our kids upset and especially when they dont want to go to school because they are upset with the teacher. Unfortunately teachers like the rest of us come in all shapes, sizes and personalities. My 3rd grader has a very strict teacher this year - she is frosty and night and day to the teacher my daughter had last year. My daughter LOVED her 2nd grade teacher and she was completely herself with her and her teacher got her and enjoyed her personality. Without me having to say anything my daughter told me the other day very matter of factly that she will never share any funny stories or jokes with her new teacher the way she did with her last year's teacher and when I asked why she just said "she is not that type of teacher mom"...my DD is doing well at school and is able to handle this teacher BUT there are a few kids in the class who are struggling and this teacher is being confrontational with the parents and basically wiping her hands off them. Its like she only wants good students in her class. One of the parents is considering pulling her child as he hates going to school.

Long story short I would keep an eye on things and if things do not improve I would meet with the teacher and tell her what your daughter says and how she feels and maybe hearing it from you might help to open her eyes.

Like every profession there will be some excellent teachers, some good teachers and some downright terrible teachers who should not be teaching. Teaching is such an important job to do and it really is a vocation and some people do not have the vocation they are just picking up the paycheck.

Good luck

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

I was an awkward kid, and I just seemed to strike the ire of some absolutely terrible teachers (and human beings!) in elementary school. It still upsets me looking back on it at 35 years old. Some teachers are downright cruel to certain children, for reasons that remain very unclear to me as an adult. I also had great teachers who were sweethearts, and great teachers that Were tough who i only appreciated in retrospect. But even with the benefit of hindsight, some were just plain mean and singled me out and that's not ok. We want to believe teachers are better than that but they aren't always. I would def involve the principle at this point so that the teacher gets the message that you are serious and she better adjust her attitude.

Message edited 10/28/2014 10:22:21 PM.

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

First off, your child does not need to be evaluated and I have no idea why a special needs discussion was even brought up. Disability or not, every child has the right to be in a general ed class, if they can keep up academically and not rush to push children with some behaviors into self contained classed (I'm not saying your daughter, just responding to previous posts).

I would contact the teacher and just express to her that your daughter is feeling anxious. There may be a reason for it that the teacher can shed some light on. Kids are never going to mesh well with every teacher they have and they need to learn how to work around it. I would never pull her out of the class though, unless she was being verbally abused, which probably isn't the case. Good luck!

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

As awful as it sounds I would try not to jump to conclusions before first sitting down with your DD's teacher. One of my gfs is a 3rd grade teacher. She tells parents at the beginning of the year something like this, "I promise not to believe 100% of what your kids tell me about you if you promise to do the same." GL!!

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Re: DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry)

Moved to original post.

Message edited 11/10/2014 12:52:13 AM.

DD faked being sick to avoid school today (long, sorry) UPDATED

Wow, that's crazy! I'm glad you were all able to sit down and have your concerns addressed. I can't believe a teacher would make such snide remarks to a child!!

I would totally do the same re: the homework. My DD is in Kindergarten and it's ridiculous what they get already. I keep telling DH that if it ever gets too much for her i'm not going to make her do it. Kids need to play!

Hopefully you'll be able to get her switched into a more suitable classroom. GL!