Board Hopping

Hi Ladies,

I don't post much on these boards and this is a first-time post in this group.

I have been dealing with a sensitive issue in my life recently and I was hoping for advice. I had my DD 3.5 months ago. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, there has been some tension and awkwardness with my brother and sister in law, who have been TTC for almost 3 years now.

My brother used to share some guarded details about doctor appointments they were going to and would kind of "vent" to me about how difficult their situation was. Since the day I told him I was pregnant I haven't heard anything about it. In addition, I feel like we've kind of grown apart in the meantime.

I know that my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter wasn't easy on them and it breaks.my.heart. thinking about the fact that something in my life has caused them more pain.

I guess my question is - how can I approach him and let him know that I am still here for him if he ever needs to talk? This is my older brother so I don't want to come off in a patronizing way. I just want him to know that he can talk to me.

I just feel like I'm in a no-win scenario. No matter what I say or do, I feel like I am rubbing something in their face and it's never intentional.

INFERTILITY SUCKS. For everyone. You girls are tough as nails and I pray that you all get your miracle babies.

Thanks in advance for any help/advice/support!

Re: Board Hopping

I unfortunately; know how your brother and his wife feel. We are those people! Although we do not have siblings that have children.

IF does suck; BAD! And its horrible not just for women; but for men too. Many people think its just women that have the hard time; buy unfortunately in my case, DH takes it very hard.

Do you guys email each other or text? I am not so sure if I would want to be called and put on the spot with what you have to say. That makes it more awkward.

I wouldn't exactly talk about the situation so much; I would just say you miss him and have been thinking of him alot. You miss how close you guys were and you will always be there for him no matter what. Just let him know you are there. I would make no mention of IF or non-IF for that matter at all in the text.

No one needs more reminders of that.
Its just such a hurtful painful time; that no one can truly understand unless you are in it.

Message edited 8/24/2015 11:04:59 AM.

Board Hopping

Yes fortunately it is a no win. I would just say what you said here. Just say I want you to know I'm still here for you guys. i would maybe email or text him. That way they can have time to think about it.

Just keep in mind that There may be nothing you can say to help. Sometimes you just have to let them come to terms with it. That being said, if you're dd is already 3.5m and they still aren't talking to you.... It may never be the same again.

Being on the IF.... side as much as pregnancies hurt me I'd never have the balls to let anyone else feel my pain. I put on brave faces and went to showers and saw babies etc

Board Hopping

All of us on this board have been in a similar situation to your brother. We want to be happy for others who conceive easily or easier than us but its SOOOOO hard. Its like I was happy for them but sad for myself. Like why me??? I finally have my son after countless procedures and still feel upset when someone close to me gets pregnant without even really trying. I feel like I will carry this feeling with me for a long time. IF really sucks. As for your brother, I would reach out to him and ask for any updates. Maybe send him a text saying you are thinking of him and that you would like to be here for him if he needs to talk. Leave it on him. It might just be too hard for him to talk to you right now. Hopefully it all works out for him.

Re: Board Hopping

Thanks ladies. I just feel like there is a giant, hairy elephant in the room whenever I talk to him or see him (which at this point, is very rarely). I never complained about being pregnant once while I was - even though I had morning sickness so bad I almost ended up in the hospital because I was so dehydrated. And then he found out about it from my Mom and texted me like..."why didn't you say anything!?" After that, I felt like he realized I was trying to protect his feelings and that made it worse somehow.

I guess I'll just send him an email and keep sending them prayers in the meantime.

LIFE. Sigh.

Re: Board Hopping

I may be alone in my opinion here but I think it's unfair for them to cause tension with you. I get that IF sucks, TRUST ME! But it doesn't mean others shouldn't go abou their lives. Are you purposely rubbing it in their faces? If not, then what are you to do stop your life? If there was tension between people every time something good happened that didn't happen to someone else, then anyone with a good job, happy family, etc would have no friends! I can understand it being hard but I think causing the relationship to grow apart is unfair on their part. That said, you're wonderful for caring and trying to figure out how to be sensitive to it.

Re: Board Hopping

Just give them space.

I had to watch kids get conceived & be born with my relatively uncomplicated IF course. Even now, years later, I still think my child should be ... Years old.

It's hard to see kids. Let them take the lead. You can ask every once in a while how things are going for them.