I need some judgement free support

I don't even know where to begin.... my family is crazy- what family isn't. I have some issues with my mom periodically but for the most part- my parents are amazing and treat us extremely well. My issue is DHs family. I hate them, and I hate my DH sometimes for it. After struggling with infertility for a year my niece was born and I just couldn't cope with with it. Sure I'm happy for BIL and SIL but I was so miserable and it cause A LOT of fighting between my DH and I with me not wanting to go to his family things and he wasn't understanding, felt that she is our niece and my feelings need to be put aside, same now with me not wanting her at my shower this weekend but feels she should come because she's our family, she just turned 1btw. I feel my DH always wants me to put my feelings aside to make him and his family happy. They are a very judgemental, rude, passive aggressive bunch. I used to only make it through dinners with them by indulging in a few glasses of wine. Since being pregnant I have really questioned who I have picked as the father of my children. I LOVE my DH dearly, it's his family I hate, and I mean HATE. If my DH came without his family, I would be a happier person. I have had a breakdown, and I mean day long breakdowns that I cannot believe my children are related to these people, like I am devastated by this and I can't get over it. I've considered divorce anything and everything imaginable just so there is as little contact and interactions to these people as possible, however, I would be miserable without my DH. These people engage in behavior that is rude, abnoxious, and are the exact opposite of what I even want my children exposed to. I don't know why I feel this way but it happens often and I become so overwhelmed like chest pain overwhelmed. I don't know how to deal with this..... I'm sure the hormones make everything worse but I feel like a moron for not thinking long and hard that my kids will be related to people I hate, people who certainly don't like me in the least bit and would all love to see me not a part of the family, people who didn't want to come to our wedding, who even treat my DH like crap, yet for some reason he keeps going back for more and tries to please them. I just don't know what to think or do. I guess just looking for some advice and support?!

Message edited 10/27/2016 9:17:58 PM.

I need some judgement free support

Sounds like you need a time out from dh's family. Don't go around them for say a month. If they ask why have dh explain that you need a breather. Would you try therapy? If dh won't participate maybe go yourself so you can find some coping methods.

Re: I need some judgement free support

This is a really tough situation to be in. It seems like you and your DH need to sit down and figure out where you stand with his family. You are totally entitled to your feelings, but if your DH wants his family to be a part of his life and his children's lives, that might have to be something you accept. Maybe it comes down to you not associating with them. If your DH wants to keep the relationship, then he can go on his own and bring the kids around them alone. It stinks, but for some people family is family, regardless of their flaws. I know you are in a tough spot, but it also must be really hard for your DH to be put in a position where he feels he has to choose between his wife or his family. Again, I am sorry you have to deal with family stress, but I think you should try to figure out the best solution for the both of you. Hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise.

I need some judgement free support

I think you should try and keep your distance until after you have your babies. There's no need for you to be under this much stress. If DH won't sit out for his family events, fine. Let him go. Doesn't mean you have to. And remember they're HIS family. Not your circus, not your monkeys. If she's really that bad, don't bring your children around her once they're here.

I hate my SIL. She is an incredibly selfish, rude, stupid person. DH and I used to get into fights over what an a$$ she was (I could seriously have your head spinning) and finally I realized that at the end of the day, she's not my family. She means no more to me than the neighbor across the street I've never spoken to. I don't go to any "function" (though I've only ever seen her host children parties with no food for the adults) pertaining to her or her kids. I don't stop DH, but I won't go.

Re: I need some judgement free support

Deep breath :) I don't know you and you haven't gone into detail as to why your in laws are so horrible, so without the benefit of cold hard facts as to why they are so terrible I would say just remember you are having twin boys (right?) and one day you will be the in law...when I was married I tried to be good to my MiL (she was horrible anyway). I have three boys and have so many friends that hate their DHs families for reasons that don't really hold up - mainly they seem to hate them because they are not THEIR family. At the end of the day, my MIL was just a monster but I'm glad I tried my hardest. I'm hoping for some good karma points when my boys grow up and get married :) stress is not good in a multiple pregnancy and hormones run high, so I would say just avoid them now...but never try to keep your Dh or boys from them. The best weekends of my married life was when I sent them all to grandmas and relaxed alone! Trust me you can make the best of this arrangement ;)

Message edited 10/27/2016 10:10:26 PM.

I need some judgement free support

I highly recommend you and your DH go to couples counseling. I completely understand the type of dynamic you are explaining because I am in a similar situation. The drama with my in laws put a lot of stress on my relationship with my DH. As for you considering divorce to limit interactions between your in laws and your children keep the in mind that your DH will have every right to visit his family during his time with your children and you will not be there to explain thing to them or buffer the inappropriate behavior.
Try not to let your in laws stress you out--it is not good for you or your babies.

I need some judgement free support

I never ever have or would prevent my DH from seeing his family. Usually I avoid going to things and find a reason not to go. I think I hate them even more being pregnant simply because I don't want my children being related to them.
My whole life my grandparents on both sides are alive and still are and have literally no interest in their grandchildren and it sucks not having a relationship with my grandparents. I certainly don't want the same for my kids with my in laws but the hate I have for that entire family just grows and grows with every stupid thing they say and do (which is at least weekly) that I can't even look past it. I fear my kids will have some characteristics of theirs personality wise and that terrifies me

I need some judgement free support

I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a counselor. Both with DH and on your own. You have to at some point make peace with your in laws. Unfortunately they are in your life. They are the grandparents to your kids and you will never have them out of your life. They may not be your favorite people but you cannot avoid them forever. I would look for ways to make things tolerable.

Re: I need some judgement free support

I really feel for you. You sound like me 6 years ago when my 1st was born. I felt the same about my IL's & DH. I resented him for a couple of years & our marriage suffered because he thought I should just ignore how they are & he's a sissy when it comes to confronting them(plain & simple)
I would loose sleep & cry myself to sleep over certain situations & also couldn't believe that my dh would stick up for me.
I became happier when I decided to limit my kids exposure to them, explaining to my kids why some behaviors they see from them are not appropriate, & flat out stopping them in their tracks (in a nice way) when they do something I don't approve of- I didn't care if they thought I was an overbearing mother so being the bad guy was something I no longer cared about. It was either that or sitting quietly & letting their behaviors eat me up. I also blocked my ILs on Fb-I was sick of them reposting my sono pics, preg pics, baby pics as if they were their own.
My kids are the only kids in the family so they get all the attention, I would love if we had another baby niece or nephew for them to focus on.
I say definitely try & go to counseling before the resentment hits & before the babies get here because that will add a whole new level of stress.

Message edited 10/28/2016 10:01:49 AM.

Re: I need some judgement free support

Re: I need some judgement free support

Please seek individual counseling/therapy

IMMEDIATELY

Re: I need some judgement free support

Re: I need some judgement free support

Just going to send you hugs. A lot of people don't like or just barely tolerate their inlaws. I hope you can make the best of it.

Re: I need some judgement free support

Are they aware of how
You feel? Is there anything They could do to amend things

Either way this is not healthy for you and the babies. So right now keep
Away

Is there anyone on that side of the fam
That you like/could talk to

I really think counseling is needed for both of
You

Re: I need some judgement free support

I would definitely echo everyone else's advice and say see someone now. Once the babies come you will likely be out of your mind stressed and sleep deprived so you need to learn to set boundaries now that you are comfortable with. This could be a huge deal for you and your DH in the future.

Re: I need some judgement free support

They may be completely awful people, but I think you should try to focus on changing how you feel and cope with the situation rather than thinking of how much you hate them. You can't change anyone but yourself. Hopefully your DH will get on board and work with you on this. I agree counseling is a good idea. Or at least several really good talks with DH about how you feel and how you guys can better deal with it. This stress is not good for you.