Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

I am 39 years old, but I remember my high school boyfriend being black was a huge issue on my maternal side of family. My stepfather used the N-word to speak about him. My grandmother was already deceased but my mother would repeatedly remind that she would be “rolling In her grave.” Hard to believe that if she were still alive she would have hated my children. I never experienced anything like this from my father’s side of the family (both my father and uncle were white police officers) My dad Has been the constant in my life and is very close to my children. I guess I was honestly naive to think we were making progress. I was aware of system racism, but this whole thing has just opened my eyes to how bad it really still is. I have been crying for days. I am torn about how to speak to my 7 yr old about this, because I feel the need to protect her before she realizes the world is going to judge her on her skin color. How is this affecting you and your family and how are you handling it with your kids?

Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

I’m the type of person that “doesn’t care” and not in a bad way. I have never cared about skin color, black or white, people are people to me. Fairly recently I had an interaction with a coworker, who has a half sister that is biracial; said to me; “do you really want someone of color living next to you?” I was actually floored those words came out of her mouth, mind you her wife is an officer in the city facing these very protests to top it off... my response was so what, what do I care? Recently my new neighbors are African American and it doesn’t bother me, I’m not sure where and why this was ever a thing and why that would bother someone. But in any case, my children just haven’t exposure to people of a different skin color, not because we avoided it, but all of our family and friends just happen to be white, my husbands family is part Hispanic so their skin tone is slightly darker but not dark dark, their preschool, all white as well. So once our new neighbors moved in, I made sure we introduced ourselves, not because of their color but because we try and be good neighbors. I introduced my boys to their daughter and my 3 year old, then 2 at the time said “black lady” not to my neighbor but to me, and I nearly died and was completely mortified and then it occurred to me that I never educated them that people have different skin color, and I never did because it never came up. After that I tried to have an age appropriate discussion and told him people have all different skin color, hair color, eye color etc and that people may look different but that essentially we are all the same, just people. As time goes on and they get older I will be doing much more education on culture, race, traditions etc because I want them to have exposure and be sensitive to everyone but for 3 years old, I simply tell them if they see a kid they want to play with, go play and that the only thing that matters is that people are kind. I feel like I may have grown up with some racism (not just color but other things such as sexual orientation etc- so more prejudicial tendencies from my parents) but I took the time to educate myself and had a lot of experience in college and beyond that helped me see the world and people for who they are. I hope that for now I’m doing enough and my kids continue to be kind. I’m so sorry you are facing these things and I hope the things we do as parents change the world for the better

Message edited 6/6/2020 11:00:52 PM.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

It's something we have always paid attention to, in terms of making the kids aware of injustice and determined to fight it. Now more than ever. OP--I am sorry that you were put through that.

Education is important, and we hope we started young enough.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

My husband & I are both white, so our conversations with my children (10 & 12) are very different than the ones you are having. We live in the city & we also spent a few years living outside the country, so my kids (& us) have always had friends from many different backgrounds, and learned a lot from them, so the crux of our talks are why these protests are happening, making it clear that the protesters & the rioters/looters *not* the same, and to let them know that we believe that when we see something that is concerning (and to keep a vigilant eye out), that we wait & watch. They know our being White allows us to speak up where POC can’t, and it’s our job to use that privilege.
I am so sorry that society caused you to have this burden & this worry. I read an essay, recently, by a Black woman, talking about how her father sat her down & basically told her that some people were going to hate her for nothing other than the color of her skin. I will try to find it.

Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

Thank you for the replies. Seems that many don’t want to have this hard conversation...

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

We talk about race in a regular basis with my son. We live in a diverse town. So I think that helps as he asks questions. I want him to know it’s alright to ask questions to learn. I feel like when I was little we were told not to ask.

I grew up in the Midwest where bussing was still a thing. While I thought I knew a lot of the history of racism I am now learning I know very little. So I am learning and in turn teaching my family.

I have had conversations with my parents and have made a conscious effort to speak up when people around be make racist comments.

I know we all have room to grow and acknowledge those around me that are also doing the same.

Message edited 6/7/2020 1:53:38 PM.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

I don't have kids, so I didn't initially reply. I do think about the future though.

DH and I feel it is extremely important that we live in a diverse community--for ourselves and for our future children. The high school we are currently zoned for is ranked as one of the most diverse in the entire state.

We may be looking for a larger house and a shorter commuting time in the next few years, and we will be prioritizing a diverse community and school district. Living in a diverse community is crucial for humans, adults and children.

DH and I both grew up in diverse communities, and I love that we did. We are deeply disturbed by the segregation on Long Island and refuse to contribute to making it worse.

Message edited 6/7/2020 2:47:18 PM.

Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

People can't even have a conversation about race because they can't even confront the racism that is existing in front of our very faces.

People don't realize that racism is so much more than not saying the N word. But confronting racism means confronting hard truths that people don't want to confront, and doing work to change their behavior. Everybody wants to talk about being "not racist" till it comes time to be "not racist" and learning what that actually means.

Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

I have never really had “that talk” with my kids. We live in queens and have a diverse student body and teachers. My best friend is from Trinidad so she’s dark skin and my kids are around her and her family all the time. So I guess I never made it a thing because I have love for everyone.
Now with me watching the news nonstop I decided to explain to my son (8) what was going on. I was bracing myself for his answer.
And he said he didn’t understand why some people are so mean to others because they look different. We had a nice talk about it and I was so proud of him with how insightful he already is.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

I don't know what I would do if I were in your situation. It's hard. With my son, I have allowed him to watch some of the news and I have explained to him what is happening and why. I am trying to educate him so that he never takes the ignorance of others seriously. My son is 8 and like a PP, I was pretty impressed by how perceptive he was and his own thoughts on the topic.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

We speak very openly to our DD. I've taught her since she was young that people look different, but should be treated the same.

My mother taught us from a very young age that people's skin is different because of a pigment - that's it. Everyone is the same inside.

Personally, I never understood racism or homophobia (seriously, I can give two shits who wants to sleep with whom). I NEVER got why people got their balls twisted because of who someone else screws.

But I digress...I teach DD to be kind to everyone, no matter what they look like, and to be aware that people WILL be treated differently because of HOW they look. She looks at me puzzled, like why does it matter how a person looks - and I just tell her I don't exactly understand it either - it just is.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.

Discussions with my kids about race and how people are different have been going on for as long as my kids could talk. I don’t want them not to “see color”. I want them to appreciate the culture and beauty of all of those around us and not feel like noticing that someone is different from them is bad or shameful. I have discussed the same with gay, transgender, dwarfism, and other people who may appear different from us. We have black neighbors and friends so all of this isn’t an obscure lesson from afar. Their social pool is very diverse and they also see us interacting with people of other cultures. They understand what’s going on in the world now and I sat them down and told them about the protests and why they are happening. Honestly, I feel it’s my duty to make sure my kids eyes are open to injustice around them and make it clear they are never to stay silent if one of their friends is being bullied or someone says a racist remark.

I can’t even begin to say I could ever understand what this conversation is like for people with black or biracial children. For me, coming from the privileged standpoint of a white family that is not in imminent danger due to the color of my skin, I find no problem or difficulty speaking about race with my kids.

Honestly, if you(not referring to OP but to l the LIF community) have NOT had these conversations with your kids regularly and honestly, you are part of the problem.

Re: Racism in your own family and talking to kids.