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Taken down for privacy.. thanks ladies for all of your answers!

Message edited 12/23/2009 12:31:32 AM.

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

you are not alone in your ponderings at all -- its like you're inside my head!

My DH is amazing with children, an absolute natural. He loves them and they love him, and seeing him with any child makes me realize how great of a father he will be. He definitely wants to have kids, and is waiting for me to be the one to say "Lets do it!".

But I have sooo many fears about what will happen with our relationship. How as it gonna be when I'm no longer his #1? How will I deal with that? I know people say a child brings you closer, but sometimes I've seen a couple who have kids and they grow apart from the stress of dealing with a new baby.

I admit that I'm selfish in that I love my life, and I love being my DH's #1 priority in his life. So its hard for me to give up the freedom as well as chance it that it could negatively effect our relationship. Sometimes I almost think that I love my DH so much and our relationship is just perfect as it is, why change things?

But for every couple I know/see that has changed for the worse after a child, I know one that says it has brought them closer together than they ever imagined and the joy of being a parent doesn't take away the love you have for your spouse. I guess the hard part to swallow is that there's no way to know how it will affect you until you actually DO it, and its not like you can give a kid back!

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

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Message edited 12/23/2009 12:31:45 AM.

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

Absolutely! I wonder what kind of Dad my DH "would" be. That's number

one. But I definitely fear the toll it would take on our relationship.

Not something worth me sacrificing at this point!

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

i can share my experience if you don't mind...i had allll the same fears about my marriage when deciding to have kids. there was a long time when i wasn't sure i wanted kids especially for the fear it might wreak havoc on my marriage. it was the #1 fear for me-that and of course the total change it brings to your life.
i will not lie and tell you that it's all easy and good once you bring that baby home though! it was so rough each time both my DC were born. those early weeks are truly the toughest as you are both trying to figure out what your new role and purpose is. for the woman the life change is greater than the man's. i resented that my DH didn't have to get fat and preggo, stay home every day on maternity leave, worry about giving up a career or not ETC...the list is endless. my one child had colic and it was a nightmare- we would pass her back and forth nightly....i thought we'd never make it. i had PPD both times too so throw that in there! it has been a ride to say the least....BUT
now that i am done with those times and my DC are getting older, more familliar, less needy our marriage is "coming back"
is it the same as it was when it was just us? no. won't be til they're in college! but we have made it this far and i am so grateful that we have been a team. i don't regret it one bit. i'm looking at my 5 month old now and no way do i regret it.
i think if you have good communication with your spouse then it will be ok. if not, then it could be a disaster. DH has turned out to be a better father than i could have imagined. better than me most of the time to be honest.
good luck in whatever your life brings! hope you don't mind my long-winded answer!

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

i always thought about kids comming between dh and i. I freely admit I need to be #1. Is that the only reason I don't want kids? Heck no!

Of course all couples are different. Yes some become closer, some further and further apart. We have a lot of friends who had kids in their early 30s, and now that they are in their 40s, we hear a lot of them saying 'if it wasn't for the kids i'd be outa here'. EW! how horrible is that??!! I know many of them have little or no relationship with their spouse other than who's picking the kids up from soccer. Sad but true.

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

I have always known I wanted to be a mother. My DH feels the same about his desire to be a father.

I thought I would want to get pregnant right away...but we decided to enjoy our marriage.


Sure I get the urge...but for now we are waiting another year.

Do I have concerns about how it will effect my marriage? Yes!

We are so close and we have such a great marriage that I worry about any possible strain...

With that said, for me, and us, our desire to become parents outweights our fear on what it will bring to our marriage.

Although I know it will tough at times, my hope is that it strengthens our commitment to echother and our family

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

I ponder what DH and I would be like w/o kids. Life was "lighter" back then and we didn't have to try very hard with each other. We had many years of travel, going out, planning and led our own lives as well. It was really nice but we both wanted children and things do change.

The "job" of marriage gets harder because one can be easily consumed by the role of mommy and daddy. It is like going to college full time with your roommate and you have no time for homework. You both need each other more than ever, and the new child depends on the both of you. Once the two of you get the hang of it your marriage evolves to a new level, kindof like one of those unspoken levels.

The stories you hear are when the husband and the wife are not on the same page and communication takes a back seat (this is VERY common and the cause of most issues). I have been there, I will probably be there again next year (as I am expecting). A new baby is like a monkey wrench filled with love. The best part is when you can take your first breath from the insanity you appreciate your DH in a whole new light.

Re: Do you find yourself pondering about

the only thing i really find myself pondering about is the money issue.... OF COURSE you will NEVER be fully ready to have a child, but i think DH and i can be in a better place $$wise before having a baby

other than that, of course i think about how i'll have to put my child in day care b/c i cant be a SAHM and how much our lives will change... but seriously (and this sounds so lame) i think getting a 12 week old puppy really helped me to see what its like to "adjust" to another living thing that you need to do things for in order for them to survive.... it was def a wake up call, but im glad we got a puppy before having a baby b/c it def gave me a taste of what its like to have a baby

so my PSA is: GET A PUPPY BEFORE HAVING A BABY lol