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05mommy09
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<3 Mommy <3
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Message edited 11/16/2010 5:34:51 AM.
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Posted 11/11/10 7:23 AM  |
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FranM
And so it goes....
Member since 9/05 2217 total posts
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Re: Time for professional help?
I would start with the ped and get a full exam to rule anything out. Have you spoken to the school psych? He or she may be able to give you some strategies and or suggestions.
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| Posted 11/11/10 7:30 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: Time for professional help?
My DD is also in K. She has a different set of problems than RJ, but I started out by talking to our ped, then to her teacher and finally with the school psychologist who also consulted with her teacher. The school psychologist has given me some ideas to work on at home and now has DD on her radar screen so she'll be able to help out at school too. We've decided to also move forward with professional counseling for her, but I feel like the more eyes on the situation the better and hopefully we can get it under control - or at least better managed - before school gets more stressful.
I have to admit, I was a hesitant to contact the school psychologist since I was worried that she'd be judging DH & I since her first exposure to us and our DD was a problem, but she was very nice and I never felt like she was judging. She genuinely has my DD's best interests at heart and I feel a lot better knowing she's around if my DD really needs her.
Good luck! 
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| Posted 11/11/10 7:54 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
See, I feel like I know how to fix it and why its happening; but can't actually follow through...
I feel that:
At school the rules are clear; whats expected of him, the consequences and who the leaders are- its all very clear.
He knows if he doesn't listen; he'll have to move his card to yellow, and then to red- which would result in a call home to mom.
He knows the his teachers, are in charge and they will enforce those rules...
Thats not the case at home;
For EXAMPLE:
I have a rule: no shoes in the house
I leave at 6am; he is with my IL's- he is allowed to wear shoes, in and out of the house all morning, and then all afternoon...
I come in; see he is wearing shoes and yell "Rj why are you wearing shoes, take them off! You know the rules"
The kid; is confused- because he has been allowed to wear them all day..
I say keep your hands off your brother; he lays on top of Brayden and my MIL says: "Brayden- stop crying your brother loves you!" and Im yelling; "Get off your brother!" (I enforce my rules, of keeping his hands to himself; my MIL proclaims that its the babys fault)
We talked; she is not on the same page...
I dont feel I can get a hold of this; in a house where the rules, and consequences arent clear...
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| Posted 11/11/10 8:49 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by CathyB
My DD is also in K. She has a different set of problems than RJ, but I started out by talking to our ped, then to her teacher and finally with the school psychologist who also consulted with her teacher. The school psychologist has given me some ideas to work on at home and now has DD on her radar screen so she'll be able to help out at school too. We've decided to also move forward with professional counseling for her, but I feel like the more eyes on the situation the better and hopefully we can get it under control - or at least better managed - before school gets more stressful.
I have to admit, I was a hesitant to contact the school psychologist since I was worried that she'd be judging DH & I since her first exposure to us and our DD was a problem, but she was very nice and I never felt like she was judging. She genuinely has my DD's best interests at heart and I feel a lot better knowing she's around if my DD really needs her.
Good luck!
The school doesn't see what I see; and I almost feel that unless they are willing to come to my house and observe; they'll never see whats truly going on..ya know?
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| Posted 11/11/10 8:50 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by FranM
I would start with the ped and get a full exam to rule anything out. Have you spoken to the school psych? He or she may be able to give you some strategies and or suggestions.
Is it better to go through the ped and whoever he recommends- or through the school?
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| Posted 11/11/10 8:55 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
Ugh, that's tough. It's probably since like you said the rules aren't consistent or enforced when you aren't there, plus your rules are a lot less "fun" than your ILs (not a critique at all, I'm a strict mom myself). Hopefully you'll be able to move into your house soon and things can go back to normal.
ETA: I'd go through the ped. My mom and MIL respond better when I can say "Well the doctor said...."
Message edited 11/11/2010 8:57:13 AM.
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| Posted 11/11/10 8:56 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by CathyB
Ugh, that's tough. It's probably since like you said the rules aren't consistent or enforced when you aren't there, plus your rules are a lot less "fun" than your ILs (not a critique at all, I'm a strict mom myself). Hopefully you'll be able to move into your house soon and things can go back to normal.
ETA: I'd go through the ped. My mom and MIL respond better when I can say "Well the doctor said...."
Its not even that my rules are less fun... my IL's literally have NO rules...
Last night he literally KICKED my MIL and she is just standing there saying... "Come on, wanna play a game with GMA?"
Seriously...???? What kind of messages is that sending him...
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| Posted 11/11/10 9:00 AM |
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snowprincess
My happy babies
Member since 3/06 3428 total posts
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Re: Time for professional help?
I would talk to some one and i would find a nanny to watch your kids if you can afford it or try before care and after care at school - your son does well with structure and your IL's are not giving it to him
I would also start a reward/behavior chart at home - it works well at school try one at home
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| Posted 11/11/10 9:54 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by snowprincess
I would talk to some one and i would find a nanny to watch your kids if you can afford it or try before care and after care at school - your son does well with structure and your IL's are not giving it to him
I would also start a reward/behavior chart at home - it works well at school try one at home
Even if I hire a nanny- my IL's will still be there, while the nanny is...
Before care begins at 7; and I have to be at work at 6:30(my DH is at work at 5am)... I WISH that was an option for me...
I agree; about the structure... Def. think its a necessity for my child!
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| Posted 11/11/10 10:00 AM |
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FranM
And so it goes....
Member since 9/05 2217 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
I think you have a good handle on what is causing the problems. It sounds like he is really having difficulty adjusting through all the changes. His world at home has been turned upside down new baby, temp living quarters, different sets of rules. School has been constant and consistent and he is doing well there.
I would really try to get GMA on board with the rules. Write them up on a poster board call a family meeting and go over them if you have to. A reward system at home may be worth a try.
How long until you settle into your new home? Who will be watching him before and after school once you move?
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| Posted 11/11/10 12:05 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by FranM
I think you have a good handle on what is causing the problems. It sounds like he is really having difficulty adjusting through all the changes. His world at home has been turned upside down new baby, temp living quarters, different sets of rules. School has been constant and consistent and he is doing well there.
I would really try to get GMA on board with the rules. Write them up on a poster board call a family meeting and go over them if you have to. A reward system at home may be worth a try.
How long until you settle into your new home? Who will be watching him before and after school once you move?
Well- we were supposed to close 11/15; but thats not happening...At this point it has been extended to 12/3; although I do hope it comes sooner- I doubt it will!
Well; when we move we are going to a whole new school district (another change to add to the list) he will be going to my mother in the morning and she will put him on the bus; and I will actually be home to get him off the bus w/ the new school
We have an appointment with the Dr tomorrow afternoon..I want to rule out any medical reason he could be acting this way...
Plus; I want Rj to see/hear how serious I am about the behavior being unacceptable... If he see's me discussing it with the Dr- maybe he'll see I mean business...
Im hoping the Dr can give me some advice; out look; or maybe a referral (if he thinks there is more)
But my plan is too:
Write rules w/ Rj- on poster board... and hang them on the referigerator... He will have a constant VISUAL reminder of whats expected of him... (even if MIL does not enforce them- he will see that they are there)
and then, Im going to try the traffic light thing he has at school...
Green all day= sticker on the calendar (stickers all week = special activity w/ mom & dad)
yellow-warning
red- time out
(or yellow could be a 5 min time out- and red be more severe)
This way he will have a visual reminder of what the consequences are...
The only thing that Im concerned with is... at school; if he is moved to yellow- he will work to go back to green... I fear that at home; it will send him into a tantruming tizzy...????
Thoughts? Critiques?
I work in early childhood; so I know what needs to be done- but Im having problems with the enforcement and follow through...
Im also thinking of putting him into karate... Respect is huge for me; and right now- its not huge for him
I really dont believe my IL's will follow through (hey I removed all junk from my house- hoping that eliminating sugar would help; and my MIL couldnt even handle that- she is bringing home DS a donut EVERYDAY after she gets her coffee) but Im hoping to use the "Well the DR suggested" line (even if its my thoughts-not his) and maybe just MAYBE she'll respond...
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| Posted 11/11/10 12:22 PM |
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Stacey1403
Where it all began....
Member since 5/05 24065 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
Honestly your MIL is the problem. Like you said he needs structure and she gives him none. Would it help at all if your DH talked to her? If he was having the same problems in school I would say talk to the ped but since he is well behaved and follows the rules at school I would say it is def the different set of rules at home between you and your MIL. 
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| Posted 11/11/10 1:50 PM |
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NASP09
...
Member since 6/05 6030 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
I agree with having a Ped check him out, also agree that there NEEDS to be consistency with rules.
But also something to try is having a positive behavior chart, where he earns rewards (ice cream night) instead of losing things (toys, priveleges). Break it up into small time sequences. For example, if he has good behavior/ follows the rules from the time he comes home until dinner time, he earns a token (a check mark, a sticker, whatever). If he behaves during dinner, he earns another thing, if he behaves from dinner until bath time he earns a check. If he misbehaves, he doesnt LOSE something, but he gets nothing.
If he behaves for whatever time period (start with a smaller amount of time, like 2 hours, so he feels a sense of success, then gradually increase it to 1 day, 2 days, 1 week etc) he earns a larger, predetermined reward. It has to be something good, that he values, and something that he will work for.
Just something else to try..
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| Posted 11/11/10 2:26 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Time for professional help?
I'm so sorry this is happening I think you know what the problem is, obviously, and maybe you should speak to a counselor. I mean, yes, RJ is acting out due to the lack of consistency, but I think you could benefit from some objective advice on how to deal with your in laws. Until you have a strategy for dealing with THEM, then I worry that nothing is really going to help RJ understand.
But on the other hand, I'm so bad and I would say to Ava, "Well Nana is WRONG for letting you wear your shoes in the house and you know better!"
And really drive home the point that it doesn't matter what grandparents say, it's MY way.
And then lay down a consequence for if he listens to the inlaws. I'm sorry, I have to  at how I must sound, but I'm just trying to think of ways to work around the inlaw situation
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| Posted 11/11/10 5:26 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
Do you think he is VERY resentful that B is with you all day and you kind of put him some where else? I mean you both were inseperable for 5 yrs...KWIM... And now he has to deal with B having you all to himself. IMO...he may have some underlying anger to you and Big Ry. Can you have 1:1 time with him only? See but even if you do that he will probably want it even more. Maybe you need to have a talk about this issue first hand with him. Do you think it has anything to do with the above at all?
-Also, me personally I would NOT tolerate him throwing anything across a room. If your Il's are not following through with your discipline that needs to be a talk in itself. Any specific disrespect like hittin, punching, throwing etc... to me is an automatic "get in your room and dont come out".
Message edited 11/11/2010 7:04:17 PM.
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| Posted 11/11/10 7:00 PM |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by 05mommy09
See, I feel like I know how to fix it and why its happening; but can't actually follow through...
I feel that:
At school the rules are clear; whats expected of him, the consequences and who the leaders are- its all very clear.
He knows if he doesn't listen; he'll have to move his card to yellow, and then to red- which would result in a call home to mom.
He knows the his teachers, are in charge and they will enforce those rules...
Thats not the case at home;
For EXAMPLE:
I have a rule: no shoes in the house
I leave at 6am; he is with my IL's- he is allowed to wear shoes, in and out of the house all morning, and then all afternoon...
I come in; see he is wearing shoes and yell "Rj why are you wearing shoes, take them off! You know the rules"
The kid; is confused- because he has been allowed to wear them all day..
I say keep your hands off your brother; he lays on top of Brayden and my MIL says: "Brayden- stop crying your brother loves you!" and Im yelling; "Get off your brother!" (I enforce my rules, of keeping his hands to himself; my MIL proclaims that its the babys fault)
We talked; she is not on the same page...
I dont feel I can get a hold of this; in a house where the rules, and consequences arent clear...
Then I wouldn't go over there anymore unless they respect your boundaries. I know it is easier said than done. But your son really is confused, and children always opt for the rules that make their lives easier if they have two different sets.
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| Posted 11/12/10 7:28 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by Kidsaplenty
Posted by 05mommy09
See, I feel like I know how to fix it and why its happening; but can't actually follow through...
I feel that:
At school the rules are clear; whats expected of him, the consequences and who the leaders are- its all very clear.
He knows if he doesn't listen; he'll have to move his card to yellow, and then to red- which would result in a call home to mom.
He knows the his teachers, are in charge and they will enforce those rules...
Thats not the case at home;
For EXAMPLE:
I have a rule: no shoes in the house
I leave at 6am; he is with my IL's- he is allowed to wear shoes, in and out of the house all morning, and then all afternoon...
I come in; see he is wearing shoes and yell "Rj why are you wearing shoes, take them off! You know the rules"
The kid; is confused- because he has been allowed to wear them all day..
I say keep your hands off your brother; he lays on top of Brayden and my MIL says: "Brayden- stop crying your brother loves you!" and Im yelling; "Get off your brother!" (I enforce my rules, of keeping his hands to himself; my MIL proclaims that its the babys fault)
We talked; she is not on the same page...
I dont feel I can get a hold of this; in a house where the rules, and consequences arent clear...
Then I wouldn't go over there anymore unless they respect your boundaries. I know it is easier said than done. But your son really is confused, and children always opt for the rules that make their lives easier if they have two different sets.
Currently- we all live in the same house... Once we close; trust me- their visitation will be limited!
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| Posted 11/12/10 8:08 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by PrincessP
Do you think he is VERY resentful that B is with you all day and you kind of put him some where else? I mean you both were inseperable for 5 yrs...KWIM... And now he has to deal with B having you all to himself. IMO...he may have some underlying anger to you and Big Ry. Can you have 1:1 time with him only? See but even if you do that he will probably want it even more. Maybe you need to have a talk about this issue first hand with him. Do you think it has anything to do with the above at all?
-Also, me personally I would NOT tolerate him throwing anything across a room. If your Il's are not following through with your discipline that needs to be a talk in itself. Any specific disrespect like hittin, punching, throwing etc... to me is an automatic "get in your room and dont come out".
TBH- I of course was searching around on google and believe it or not, alot of whats going on COULD be seperation anxiety...
We made a consicous effort to give him special 1 on 1 time with us; it didnt make a difference...
Its not that my MIL doesnt want to follow through with my discipline; is that she literally doesnt see what he is doing as wrong: for ex: Rj is laying on top of Brayd; Brayd is screaming- He is clearly hurting him on purppose; and she says "he's hugging him"...
Whether or not she believes that to be true, IDK- but she doesnt discipline him for it, because she doesnt see it as the wrong thing that it is... (DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?)
We could sit down and talk, and get a discipline/behavior mod in place..but if she refuses to "SEE" the poor behavior; what good is it?
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| Posted 11/12/10 8:20 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by 05mommy09
Posted by PrincessP
Do you think he is VERY resentful that B is with you all day and you kind of put him some where else? I mean you both were inseperable for 5 yrs...KWIM... And now he has to deal with B having you all to himself. IMO...he may have some underlying anger to you and Big Ry. Can you have 1:1 time with him only? See but even if you do that he will probably want it even more. Maybe you need to have a talk about this issue first hand with him. Do you think it has anything to do with the above at all?
-Also, me personally I would NOT tolerate him throwing anything across a room. If your Il's are not following through with your discipline that needs to be a talk in itself. Any specific disrespect like hittin, punching, throwing etc... to me is an automatic "get in your room and dont come out".
TBH- I of course was searching around on google and believe it or not, alot of whats going on COULD be seperation anxiety...
We made a consicous effort to give him special 1 on 1 time with us; it didnt make a difference...
Its not that my MIL doesnt want to follow through with my discipline; is that she literally doesnt see what he is doing as wrong: for ex: Rj is laying on top of Brayd; Brayd is screaming- He is clearly hurting him on purppose; and she says "he's hugging him"...
Whether or not she believes that to be true, IDK- but she doesnt discipline him for it, because she doesnt see it as the wrong thing that it is... (DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?)
We could sit down and talk, and get a discipline/behavior mod in place..but if she refuses to "SEE" the poor behavior; what good is it?
OH I totally hear you!
But guess what...it doesnt even matter whether she thinks its right/wrong. It matters at that moment that he is laying on B and at that moment I would pick him right up and put him in time out whether its approved or not by IL's.
ANd I also hear you on the point that you tried the 1:1 but its not working. its probably not bc he probably craves it more after you do it the few times. Maybe when out on the 1:1 explain to him that this is a priveledge/reward and that the ONLY way he will get it is for good behavior. Maybe set that goal on the reward chart. 7 stars and he gets a nite out with you. Be firm. Remove the stickers, minus the rewards if its not followed through. He might realize that he wants that 1:1 and try harder.
Ultimately he does have alot on his plate right now with all the transitions so its probably time that he needs. The ONLY real IMMEDIATE problems I see that you mention are the physical/aggressive which i would squash the best you can.
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| Posted 11/12/10 4:17 PM |
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Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
Name:
Properly perfect™
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Re: Time for professional help?
Is the baby getting more attention now because of the age, I know now that Erin interacts with people more people focus on her. Maybe RJ is now having issues with the baby.....like you said about consistency at school the baby is also not there and RJ can shine on his own.
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| Posted 11/12/10 4:22 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?
Posted by Moehick
Is the baby getting more attention now because of the age, I know now that Erin interacts with people more people focus on her. Maybe RJ is now having issues with the baby.....like you said about consistency at school the baby is also not there and RJ can shine on his own.
True.... good point!
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| Posted 11/12/10 7:37 PM |
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NASP09
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Member since 6/05 6030 total posts
Name:
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Re: Time for professional help?UPDATE
Reply to update:
Kudo's to wording the behavior chart in a positive manner, stating what you WANT him to do, not what you dont want!
Its a small distinction that makes a HUGE difference.
Glad to hear the Dr provided some useful info 
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| Posted 11/12/10 8:11 PM |
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steph4777
**************
Member since 5/05 11726 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Time for professional help?UPDATE
I'm glad to see you are on your way to hopefully get some answers. Good luck!
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| Posted 11/13/10 8:43 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Time for professional help?UPDATE 11/15
update
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| Posted 11/15/10 2:41 PM |
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