Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

My best friend and I have been friends since the 1st grade (we're both 35 now), so as you can see we've been friends for a VERY long time. The ironic thing is, is that we haven't lived in the same state since we were 10. Her family moved to MA from CT when we were 10 and my family moved from CT to LI when I was 14, we lived around the corner from eachother when we both lived in CT. We've managed to stay as close as sisters through all these years, so this friendship holds a very special place in my life. I'm a member of her family and vice versa. My father thinks of her as his own, as well as her parents feel about me.

We've always made time for eachother and have always had a standing "friday night girls night" via phone for many years. We'd pour a glass of wine or two and spend a couple of hours on the phone.

Fast forward to last year when I got engaged. All the sudden she seemed to not be there anymore. Never returned my emails, or phone calls. She seemed excited when I got engaged and was so happy to be my MOH. Getting her to come down for a weekend after that was like asking her to have a tooth pulled. Of course I started feeling like it was me, and that maybe she was jealous about my engagement. We'd both been single for so long before I met DH. She never makes an effort to meet men. So finally I send her an email spilling my guts about how I had been feeling, and she emails me back and tells me she's been busy, but she's going to come that weekend so we can look for BM dresses. She came for less than a day, didn't talk about anything.

Fast forward again to last 4th of july weekend. I told her I was going to come to Boston for the long weekend to visit and she was very excited. I get there, and she's waiting for me at the airport and tells me we're going to spend the weekend at her parents house on the south shore. I then am told this shocking secret she's been keeping from me and kept from her family for months and months. Since this is a public forum and and the issue is very embarrassing for my friend, I'm not going to go into details. Let's just say, somewhere along the line something snapped and she just got herself into alot of financial trouble. So I spend the weekend there, and she won't talk about anything and acts like what she is going through is nothing.

She comes in November from my wedding for almost a week and a half to help me with the last minute details and all her problems are swept under the carpet because she's in denial, and I felt this was my time for me... and it was okay to be a little selfish and enjoy the weeks leading up to my wedding.

Since my wedding in November - I have spoken to her once, this past April. She has yet to pick up the phone and call. She only sends me email jokes and never responds to my emails.

Her brother recently got married.... not only did I NOT get an invite, she has yet to even tell me he got married (I know when he got married because her parents told me at MY wedding to hold the date for the wedding). At first I wasn't upset about it. But the more I think about it, the more upset and disappointed I feel that I didn't get an invite to the wedding. It's not like I'm a random friend. I've been part of this family since I was 6!

I was talking to my father about this because I'm very upset over how our friendship has deteriorated over the past year, and how I'm the one always trying to get in touch with her, reach out, etc... and I get nothing in return. I feel like my heart is breaking. My father who loves my friend like his own, thinks I should just give up and write this friendship off. I think DH agrees with this too, because it's causing me so much heartache.

What would you do? Would you throw away a 30 year friendship? Or try, try again to keep it?

TIA - and especially thanks if you read all this!

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

I think, if you wrote her off, that you'd always regret it. It must be really hard for her, now that you're married. If you can hang in there, that's what I'd do.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

It sounds as if her life has sprialed out of control and having a friend who has it all together, especially as one as close as you, is too much to bear. I know its hard not to be hurt but she may just be in too much pain to be much of a friend right now.

I would just wait and see what happens without ruling your life around the outcome. Once you write her out of your life, there is no turning back. Maybe an email explaining that you love her and always will and will be around when she is ready to talk will help open the door without any guilt or resentment over her behavior to you recently.

I am so sorry this is happening. I lost my best friend 10 years ago and although we have reconciled, it will never be the same again. It worse than any breakup with a guy.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

Thanks for the replies. I've been through the depression that she's obviously going through, and she knows it... she was there for me every step of the way. So I really hurt because I KNOW all too well how she is feeling. I've already done the email thing, I've sent her cards, etc.... only to be met with silence. When on the rare occassions she does respond she says that work is just so crazy she doesn't even have time to think.

It just hurts to see her going through this and to see her not admit that she IS going through this. She acts as if nothing has changed and she's just fine. It also hurts to feel that I'm losing a friend. DH told me to to not contact her for a month or two and see if she responds to my silence.

ckgm... that's how I feel, like it's worse than a breakup, and I've had some pretty bad break ups in my life!

Thanks again ladies!

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

I wouldn't write off a 30 year friendship. I think just like marriage true friendships have ups and downs ... this is the time your friend needs you the most - even though she is making it SO impossible for you to be there for her. She really needs someone like you and hopefully will snap out of this and get some help.

Also about the wedding maybe the wedding plans fell through? Lots of people get engaged and start planning the wedding and then the relationship falls apart. Or it could be a million other reasons.

Do you have a weekend where you can kind of just show up and talk to her face to face about all of this?

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

It sounds like maybe she needs some space. I don't know you or your friend, but I am not necessarily seeing that she is jealous of your marriage, but rather she is very wrapped up in whatever is going on in her life right now. Maybe she is embarrassed or ashamed to talk to you about it in detail. Maybe it involves other people and she is keeping their confidence. You really don't know because she isn't telling you.

I think I would give her some space, since that is what she seems to want or need right now. I would probably send a card or an email every few weeks, just to let her know you are concerned and still care about her. As for the wedding, I wouldn't be that insulted. It was the decision of her brother and his wife, and I would assume she had no say in that.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

I agree with your DH but for a different reason. Apparently she's in a really bad way right now and people respond to things differently. Although you've been through some of what she's experiencing, it seems like she's not ready to confront the problem yet and it's possible that things are a bit more out of control than you know. As much as it hurts to see her going throught his, you've tried. I wouldn't write her off but give it some time and try again..maybe by then she'll be ready to talk or might even come to you before then. I had a great friend that drifted away when her life took a different path, not for the better might I add and it's very, very sad.

Hang in there, I know how hard this is.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

It must be really hard Maybe after you wait a little you could write her a letter and express your feelings and tell her that you care about her, will always be there for her, and will wait for her to contact you?

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

Thanks again ladies!

I know the details of her situation, I don't think at all that she's jealous of my marriage. I know she is geniounly happy for me especially after all I've been through in my life.

About her brother's wedding, I know that the wedding took place because another friend who has been in her life for 20 years was there with her husband I'm also friends with her cousin who told me she was heading up there for the wedding.

I would love to just show up, but part of her issue has landed her back home living with her parents. DH and I are trying to find a weekend to go up to Boston anyway and he'll give me some alone time with her while he does his whale watching thing. That is of course if she is "free" when we come. Last time I was in Boston for a weekend she canceled on me saying she couldn't make it into the city because she had to help her parents with something. I know her parents welll, and know that them knowing I was in town they wouldn't have made her stay at home to "help" with something (yes, they knew I was there).

Thanks again ladies.. it helps to talk about it. Sometimes I think DH gets tired of hearing about it.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

She is probably super embarrassed about what has happened with her life. She probably is ashamed about what has happened and you knew her before things spiraled out of control so it is probably hard for her to see you. It seems that you have been nothing but supportive so I would take great offense to not being invited and her not really wanting to stay friends. I think I would write her off if she didn't see you the next time you were in town. It also seems that she might be jealous. Sorry

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

Feel free to FM and vent anytime. DH are great but they really don't understand our friendships

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

It might be that she is embarrassed that she told you what was going on in her life last year. As another poster said, people handle things differently and although she was there for you and you needed her, she may not handle it the same way.
I wouldn't throw away the friendship, but I would give her a little space. Don't force her hand and see where things go. If the friendship dies out at least you won't feel guilty or that you were the one who "ended" things.
Good luck, it's hard when friendships have problems...you really depend on these people after many years.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

Posted by Gertyrae

It might be that she is embarrassed that she told you what was going on in her life last year. As another poster said, people handle things differently and although she was there for you and you needed her, she may not handle it the same way.
I wouldn't throw away the friendship, but I would give her a little space. Don't force her hand and see where things go. If the friendship dies out at least you won't feel guilty or that you were the one who "ended" things.
Good luck, it's hard when friendships have problems...you really depend on these people after many years.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

Thanks again everyone and thanks to you guys that FM'd me too!

Just a little update... it's so strange. A few days ago I sent her an email saying hello and asked her when her brother's wedding was because DH and I want to send a gift and wanted to know where to send it to. Today, I get a reply to my email (with my original email attached) saying, "so what are you up to this weekend?" And that's it. Totally ignored my question about her brother's wedding... I've actually decided not to reply to it.

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

In short, I do not think that you should write her off. I think at times one of us are a better friend to the other. I know I'm guilty of setting a certain expectation of my firends. But, it sounds like she's got a lot on her shoulders and you were busy with planning your wedding. I would just continue to be her friend, things may have changed but you don' t want to lose a 30 yr friendship .

Re: Friend Situation What would you guys do? (VERY LONG)

I wouldn't give up. But why didn't the family invite you to the wedding?? I don't know what to tell you because I don't really know her situation. I would make one last attempt to get thru to her. Tell her that this will be your last attempt at continuing your friendship. If she doesn't respond, then you know your answer. At that point I would give up and move on with your life. You will grieve the loss of you friendship, but you will get over it.