Bad to Worse

UGH...I feel like I cannot catch a break. Went for CD3 appointment tonight ( cd2) and Was ready for my upped dosage of clomid or injectables and moving on with the new RE.

Well NOT THIS MONTH....I have two very large cysts on my left ovary. She gave me an RX for BCP's and I literally freaked...so she said for sanity sake I can not do the BCP's and at least try naturally this month. But NO Clomid or injects or IUI.

I asked her if we had a shot and she said its not a lost cause but her face kinda showed its not a great possibility either

She also wants DH to see an urologist since all his SA aspects are normal to above normal except the morphology and there could be a problem they are missing. Of course he doesnt want to go And hes getting depressed over the whole TTC right now as well making him miserable and things between us strained...

Im honestly though not that sad, I feel nothing I think anymore.....

For those of you who are doing this soo long..HOW DO younot just give up or get numb? Just when I summon up hope, its like something always goes wrong, and DH is so upset because I feel hopeless or helpless on occasion? I feel like now I have nothing but 6 weeks of waiting ahead of me again...

Thanks for listening and being there everyone

Message edited 1/10/2006 7:50:16 PM.

Re: Bad to Worse

I really don't have any advise....I just wanted to give you lots and lots of

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Donna,

I am so sorry to hear this. You are definitely getting hit hard with many obstacles. I know you are going to get your BFP one day and the struggles you have gone through will make it all the more sweet.

I'm praying for you.

Re: Bad to Worse

Does she feel that the cysts would interfere with ovulation ? If you ovulate on your own this cycle I think you have just as much a chance conceiving naturally than with IUI.

Then again I am not a big IUI fan.

I actually would consider seeking the help of an acupuncturist this cycle...if you can. They may be able to help you and figure some stuff out for you.

The only advice I could give is to let yourself "feel". You have every right to be numb, disappointed, heartbroken and even angry. I think going through a mini grieving process helps me...each cycle. After I spend time...letting my emotions out, I turn to faith and hope. I feel that my destiny is to be a mom, so although the road leading me there, is damn hard, I keep on looking forward.

I am sorry, this is taking a strain on your relationship with your dh, however, I think that's all part of it. Does Dh go to your consults with you ? If he can, maybe he will be go along with things a bit more.. If he can't, sometimes a break from talking and focusing on all this infertility crap helps.

Donna (sn Donna) was helpful and gave me a list of infertility therapists. I am considering going to see one, if i can find one that takes my insurance. I think, it's always good to have someone to talk with who can help you feel empowered, during a time that seems so devastating. Let me try to post it.....

I am unable to attend the gtg, which I am sad about but, maybe a group of us can see each other on a regular basis for a support group. Just an idea...

sorry Donna, it does seem overwhelming so much of the time

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Donna, I'm so sorry.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I can adopt. I still have days where I feel numb and others where all I can do is cry or be cranky. The whole process is very draining. I'm sorry anyone else has to go through it.

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Donna- numbness is a wonderful coping mechanism. And seeing a therapist is an awesome suggestion. I almost called my old one last week but I have been so busy. If I dont get what I want this cycle, she will be the first person I call.

As for the next 6 weeks, maybe this is someones way of telling you to take a breather. The month in between my last IUI and starting my IVF cycle was awesome. This TTC thing reaks havoc on your brain. Not having to do anything for a month might be a vacation. Why is she suggesting BCP's? I would just take the month easy, have sex for fun and enjoy yourself. Next month you'll start the job over (maybe you wont have to). I know how hard this must have been to hear. So lots of .

As for DH men!! My DH too was resistant to the whole urologist thing and boy did he LOVE the scrotal sonogram. The urologist just mentioned surgery and DH immediatley refused. These men have some nerve complaining with all we go through. I tell ya if the man had to have the babies there would be a very small population.

Good luck to you Donna and FM me if you ever need anything!!

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I KNEW I could count on you ladies..

I even told DH tonight when he was expressing how hard it is for him at work, his boss is a very good friend and he talks about his daughter constantly and basically complains...DH was saying how he wishes he knew how lucky he was, and I told him how I talk to you all and that your really the only ones who understand.

Sometimes I feel my posts will come across as nothing less then complaining yet when I read your reponses, I know I could NEVER EVER do this without all of you and how much simply your replies mean to me. I feel less alone. I feel like someone understands and I hope you all realize how much it means to me TRULY, and how grateful I REALLY AM!!

I wish all of you as much baby dust as is humanly possible.

I cannot wait for the day we are on the PARENTING board and remembering these dissmal moments while being grateful for our babies!

Thanks again girls!

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and P.s

She wanted the birth control because the cysts two of them on LEft were considered very large and she knew they would sisolve faster with the BCP and hopefully jump start us even more next cycle.

She did say increasing number of cysts this size as I have been having does tend to confer with the elevated FSH levels to indicate an diminishing Egg reserve

I saw the cysts on the sono screen and I said OMG their HUGE...They both looked double the size of any follie I had ever seen....

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I had to do the same thing one cycle...it was hard, but you really don't want to have a problem with the cysts. I agree about going to see a therapist, even if it just makes you feel better.
Good luck to you, and with DH too. Men can be so difficult sometimes, but I also think it's hard for them to go through this also. They just don't know how to talk about things.

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Im sorry

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Donna, I'm sorry

But honestly this could be a good break for you and your DH. Use this time to your advantage and forget about TTC and IF for a while. I did this for some time (I even skipped the boards for a bit) and it was the best thing for me and my DH. This whole process is hard and just plain s u c k s, no other way to say it.
One thing that is helped me a lot is learning, since that's one thing I can control, I feel more powerful armed with knowledge.
And remember knowledge is power so if possible just start researching different drs, clinics, procedures, etc. I have an appt today to discuss a natural cycle IVF, something I never knew about until reading other boards.

We're all here for you

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Donna,

I feel your pain every day. Two of my really good friends are pregnant. One with her second and one with her third. I have some strong hatred towards these women right now. Don't get me wrong, I love them but not right now. I am green with envy. Although this is only month 3 of really working with an RE, we have been trying for 4 years. Insurance issues caused us to have to wait.

Now, the pressure is on and I feel like such a complete failure and don't have a lot of faith in the next cycle either. So, I keep on plugging away in the hopes that we will have a baby.

I admire those who adopt but am not sure that we would go down that route. Maybe one day, but just not now.

Just know that at least we have a support system to vent our rage!

All the Best!

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I'm soo sorry Donna, but you can't give up. This month off until the cysts disappear may be just what you need. Look at my situation: We have been trying for about 2 years, with one M/C in Dec 2004 after a Clomid/IUI cycle and one chemical in July after an IVF cycle. this past Sept/Oct I was suppose to undergo a third IVF cycle, but due to cysts, my cycle was cancelled. I was so disgusted and frustrated, I wanted to quit. My Dh talked me into trying one last time. After taking a break off of all meds from September to December, I went for one more shot. Now, suprisingly and thrillingly, I am PG with TWINS! If I had given up after the cysts, my dream wouldn't have come true. If it happened for me, it can DEFINITELY happen for you!

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thanks again...Im having a hard time with the forced break...even though we can still try naturally. The last time I had a cyst it went down considerably before I O'd...so I feel this big "WHAT IF" factor that we cancelled the cycle without any monitoring...maybe she thought they were too big? She didnt seem to have any concern with them rupturing, and was easily swayed off no BCP's?

AHHH...I just HATE THIS.....

Jealousy and envy are my new best friends....I had two PG announcements in the last WEEK...my FSIL and my close friend....Its unbearable! Neither of their PGS were expected, planned or even wanted. Im trying to be there for them through dealing with PG's they are not at all excited over while trying not to be a horrible person for wondering why them when they dont even want this?

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