Need advice

DH works in the city and works in a relatively young office. With the exception of his boss, DH is the oldest. There have been issues in the past of him staying after work to hang out with his co-workers. Its not that I dont trust DH, I dont trust his co-workers (with good reason).
Last week he mentioned he had a late meeting scheduled for tonight. All week he's been reminding me that he's not sure if they are going to cancel it or not. That was my first clue that this wasnt right. Then I find out a few days ago, he took a day off tomorrow to "unwind". No given reason to take the day off. That was clue number 2. Then he just told me he wont stay for the whole "meeting" and will try to leave at 9 or 10pm. His job never entails meetings, but all of a sudden he has a meeting until 10? I asked him what kind of meeting would run this late? He said it was kind of like the rebranching meeting they had a few months ago (legit). So I asked him if they were rebranching again. He said no, but it was a meeting like that , but supplied no other details.
This all leads me to believe he's lying to me and hanging out with his co-workers at a bar or something.
I know why he's lying to me, but how do I approach this? He'll say if he was honest with me, I would still have a problem with it (which is true). But I'm pizzed about this. Please help me put my thoughts in order. I dont want this to be a major fight, but I'm upset he would go behind my back and lie to me about it.
Help!!

Re: Need advice

I would let him know that you would rather have the truth than a lie. Even though the truth would make you mad, lying is FAR WORSE and can lead to major trust issues in the marriage....you both have to be willing to be completely honest with each other even though it means making the other person mad. The last thing he should do is make things worse by lying to you.
As for these meetings, I would be annoyed, too...but if it's once in a while, then I think it's ok. The lying is the part that bugs me the most....

Message edited 8/17/2006 2:53:50 PM.

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Well I guess if you start the convo by saying how much you love him and know him by heart, you feel as though something just doesnt "feel" right to you. And see what he says.

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You said you trust DH, but don't trust his friends. What are you afraid they will do or do to him?

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wow...this is tough.

you know, if you do trust your husband, then no influence will change his behavior. if he is going to do something or be somewhere you are uncomfortable with, that is something only he can decide..

if you are uncomfortable with him going out with them for whatever reason, it is definitely something to talk about with him. figure out the reasons you feel this way.

as for lying about tonight...that is not cool. then you never know what other white lies they have come up with.

i would just confront him and say that you feel something is not right and need to know the tuth, no matter what it is.

good luck!

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I would point out to him it is always better to fight about an issue than about trust.

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Well, I dont mean to air my DH's dirty laundry, but he tries to be very macho. There have been a few occassions where he's felt he needs to show off and show how much liquor he can hold compared to his younger counterparts. I dont have a problem with this, but my major concern is everyone lives in the city except him. So he leaves the bar by himself on the subway and then takes the LIRR into suffolk by himself. Not only am I a worry wart, but I would never even think of letting a friend (or even an acquaintance) leave a city bar plastered.

There's other reasons I dont trust many of his co-workers, including sexual harrassment. But I really dont want to get into that.

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This hits home with me.

DH has always worked with people younger than him and they were all single. He would go out with them after work a lot when they worked in the city. I worked in LI. I could never join them because by the time I got out of work and on the train and met up with them, it would be time to turn around and go home..that bugged me.

He would annonce to me at 5 that he was going out for drinks. What irked me was that it was last minute. I also did not trust the crowd he went with.

He knew it bugged me and continued to do so but he didn't lie about it. We fought so much about this, maybe our biggest fights with each other.

Finally, I started going out and he got a taste of what was going on. He now gives me crap when I spring this on him. Most of the people I go out with are men. I have a few male co-workers that I'm friendly with and we have some cocktails. Of course, there is nothing going on and he has met them all. He is always invited but never wants to come due to the reverse commute he would have. (I'm in the city and he's on LI). He trusts me completely but thinks that all men are dogs and will eventually try to get down my pants.

You may want to ask him if the shoe was on the other foot, how he would feel. You going out with people he wouldn't trust, lying about and generally trying to justify it knowing that it bugs the crap out of you!

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Honestly I would be blunt .... I would say
ME: I find it very odd that you have a meeting until 10pm
ME: is this going to be habit ?
Him: What ??
ME: your not telling me the truth
Him : Yes I am tellign you the truth
ME : Really ? Look me in my face and promise you are not lying ...
Him: ( he may promise, that would infuriate me)
Me: OK I will believe this but If I find out you are lying we are going to have more problems then you just going to a bar ... Because I do not nor will I tolerate a liar!

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Ya, the sad thing. He knows honesty is the BIGGEST importance to me. I think that's why its affecting me so much. I thought after the wedding, the stupid little white lies would stop, but I guess not.

I think for my own temper, I'm just going to write him an email, be as straightforward and non threatening as possible and just explain that I'm really hurt he felt the need to lie to me.

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If you are more comfortable doing it this way, I agree, get it out. He has to know that lying is the one thing that can't be tolerated.

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definitely talk to him and let him know how you feel, he has to be honest with you no matter what.

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i don't think i would take issue w/ going out w/ work friends but i WOULD have an issue w/ him lying about it.

ETA: why don't you trust the co-workers?

Message edited 8/17/2006 3:23:36 PM.

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Jen you've GOT to have trust in your relationship!! You need to resolve this issue with him. I know you trust your husband and he obviously is scared to tell you the truth cause he knows you'll get upset but you need to clear this up for once and for all!!

good luck

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Posted by MrsDiamondgrlie

Well I guess if you start the convo by saying how much you love him and know him by heart, you feel as though something just doesnt "feel" right to you. And see what he says.

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Posted by baghag

I would point out to him it is always better to fight about an issue than about trust.