I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Hi. I'm new on LIF. I found out about it from LIW. Please women- don't get mad at me- I don't think i'm normal! I'm not excited about this at all. I was planning a wedding and I was soooo excited about that. I had my BC all ready to go and then bam! Now we are not having the wedding bc we can't afford to do both. We are just getting married at the JOP. Everyone says it's a blessing. I don't feel blessed. I feel extremely sad and all I do is cry. I'm hysterical right now as i'm typing this. I feel guilty that I don't want a baby. I feel guilty that i'm not excited. I feel guilty bc I know the baby can feel how I feel and he/she feels unloved and unwanted. My FH is so happy that he smiles from ear to ear. So in front of him I pretend and when i'm alone- I cry. Not having it is not an option for me but I'm just not ready to be a mother. At 37 you would think I would be ready. I was told I couldn't get PG and the only reason I was going on BC was "just in case the Dr's have been wrong all these years bc i'm having a wedding." I'm so confused. I don't know if it's bc I have always been told I can't so I already have it in my head I don't want children. But usually people that can't and then do get PG are estatic. I don't want to change poopy diapers and I don't want say poopy. Anyone else ever feel like this? PLEASE tell me i'm not loosing my mind. What do I do? HELP!

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Wow! I am not going to attack you at all because I have never been in your shoes. However, I think most women who have been told for years that they can't conceive.....and then are blessed with a miracle of conception are, as you said, elated to say the least. Especially those who have longed to be a mother.

At the same time, you have dealt with that information for so long that it appears that you have accepted it as something that would never occur with you...although the fact that you did have BC on standby says to me that you possibly still had hope that maybe one day you would or could conceive. I think what you may be feeling is shock and disbelief.

I am sure many ladies on this board would say that having a healthy baby is truly a blessing. Weddings are beutiful. Maybe you and your FH can find a way to still have a smaller wedding without going broke and still be able to save some $$$ for the baby.

Since you have decided to keep the child, you have to make the best of the situation. You have a loving FH who is happy that you are pregnant, so it seems that he will be very supportive of you and the baby. And there is never a perfect time to have a baby. You make the best of it.

Maybe give yourself some time to digest the fact that you are now pregnant and going to be a MOM!! I am sure you will feel better about it. It happened for a reason.

I am not PG, but am TTC I know the ladies on this site would be more that supportive for you.

Congratulations and be blessed

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I'm sorry you feel this way, and I'm sure many women do (but probably not many on this Board). The only advice I would give you is to express how you feel to your FH. I'm sure you don't want to disappoint him, because, like you said, he's excited - but you have to be able to trust him with how you're feeling- now more than ever.

You might feel completely different the first time your baby kicks, or the first time you get to hold him/her.

Good luck!

Message edited 6/22/2006 10:56:23 PM.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Posted by mrsdstowe

Wow! I am not going to attack you at all because I have never been in your shoes. However, I think most women who have been told for years that they can't conceive.....and then are blessed with a miracle of conception are, as you said, elated to say the least. Especially those who have longed to be a mother.

At the same time, you have dealt with that information for so long that it appears that you have accepted it as something that would never occur with you...although the fact that you did have BC on standby says to me that you possibly still had hope that maybe one day you would or could conceive. I think what you may be feeling is shock and disbelief.

I am sure many ladies on this board would say that having a healthy baby is truly a blessing. Weddings are beutiful. Maybe you and your FH can find a way to still have a smaller wedding without going broke and still be able to save some $$$ for the baby.

Since you have decided to keep the child, you have to make the best of the situation. You have a loving FH who is happy that you are pregnant, so it seems that he will be very supportive of you and the baby. And there is never a perfect time to have a baby. You make the best of it.

Maybe give yourself some time to digest the fact that you are now pregnant and going to be a MOM!! I am sure you will feel better about it. It happened for a reason.

I am not PG, but am TTC I know the ladies on this site would be more that supportive for you.

Congratulations and be blessed

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Posted by justmyluck

Posted by mrsdstowe

Wow! I am not going to attack you at all because I have never been in your shoes. However, I think most women who have been told for years that they can't conceive.....and then are blessed with a miracle of conception are, as you said, elated to say the least. Especially those who have longed to be a mother.

At the same time, you have dealt with that information for so long that it appears that you have accepted it as something that would never occur with you...although the fact that you did have BC on standby says to me that you possibly still had hope that maybe one day you would or could conceive. I think what you may be feeling is shock and disbelief.

I am sure many ladies on this board would say that having a healthy baby is truly a blessing. Weddings are beutiful. Maybe you and your FH can find a way to still have a smaller wedding without going broke and still be able to save some $$$ for the baby.

Since you have decided to keep the child, you have to make the best of the situation. You have a loving FH who is happy that you are pregnant, so it seems that he will be very supportive of you and the baby. And there is never a perfect time to have a baby. You make the best of it.

Maybe give yourself some time to digest the fact that you are now pregnant and going to be a MOM!! I am sure you will feel better about it. It happened for a reason.

I am not PG, but am TTC I know the ladies on this site would be more that supportive for you.

Congratulations and be blessed

Wow! Thanks. I feel a little better, really. I think maybe the sadness isn't really sadness. I am in shock. I really am. I think i'm, well, terrified. I don't know the first thing about babies. I have a niece and nephew but I never really did anything. In fact, I didn't see my niece from when she was 4 month to 8 months old. I tried to babysit her and everytime she would cry so hard she would turn purple. I don't know what to do with an infant. When they get older and are more interactive, more self-sufficient then it's a little better. I don't know what kind of mother i'm going to be. A woman has natural instincts with kids and i don't think i have them.

I hope you get PG bc it sounds to me like you would be an awesome mom! See- that's what I mean, you sound like a natural!

Thanks for the advice!

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I can also tell you that from what I've read on the board, you aren't the only one that it happened to. There are a few who got pregnant while engaged and speed up their wedding plans or scraped them all together.
I could see how you could be upset. You were busy planning your life bit by bit - and then it happened all at once. You also had your life plan altered in a huge way.

I think you need to be honest with your husband. It would probably alleviate a lot of your fears. Also you could possibly extract a promise that he will always change the diapers.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I think your feelings are normal. Its not something you expected or thought could ever happen so of course its a shock. You obviously plan to have the baby so there must be a part of you that is a little bit excited. I would try to still have a small wedding if possible because I do think the disappointment over giving it up is part of it. Give yourself time to have feelings for the baby. Lots of women who aren't into babies as a rule are crazy about their own. Definitely talk to your fiance-he should be able to help you through this. I wish you lots of luck with this. I'm sure it will work out.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I don't know if this will help you or not (click) but this is something I posted around the time of my daughters birthday.

I can understand the disappointment of not having your dream wedding when that is something that you have envisioned since you were a little girl. As for getting pg you were told you couldn't and you probably did envision your whole life what that would be like so I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I remember one girl at work, when she got PG I said "T I am so happy for you, congratulations" her response to me was "I am glad someone is excited" that was 5 years ago, when she was pregnant with her 1st she is now the mother of 3 GORGEOUS little boys! Do not beat yourself up. I understand your disappointment, but also try and realize your pregnancy is only 9 months and that you should try to enjoy all of the amazing changes your body will go through, but that's easy for me to say because it's not my body.

I don't know if this made any sense- maybe it's too early

Message edited 6/23/2006 6:13:32 AM.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

It is a shock of a lifetime and you spent the last 37 years without. your feelings are normal.

DH was faced with some medical issues, so we jumped on the TTC train, and got preggo the first try. I was thrown in a whirlwind. Moving to NC, job hunting, house hunting..(smaller house, since now we are much more conservative)

My first DR appt when it was confirmed, I cried all night long. It was real. I think the reality of it is hard to take with some women. I was nervous my relationship would change with DH. I have a wonderful marriage, and not a single complaint. We had a disposable income, and said bye to it all. The early on sickness did not help my emotions either.

but I tell you, everything happens for a reason. I can't believe this little bundle is coming my way. I love him/her so much already. It is the ultimate blessing. honey, God knew within a year of being married, you would long for a baby, so he just moved it up to a doable time. God wanted my move to be when I was pregnant, so we would buy a family car right off the back, so we would look for a smaller home in a kid friendly area. If I wasn't pregnant, it would have been a jeep and a studio condo that we would try and flip.

If you don't believe in God, then call it the universe throwing you a bone.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I feel for you, I really do. This is why biology gives you 9 months to get used to the idea. I promise once you hold your baby in your arms all of these feelings will go away. Good luck

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

We've been married 2 and a half years, this baby was planned and I still felt overwhelmed when I got my BFP. I kept thinking "why don't feel more happy," but instead I kept feeling like, "oh god, what have I done." I think it's natural in the beginning, especially if it wasn't in-line with what you were planning. I suggest you try to have a small wedding if possible and don't beat yourself up. You'll get a lot of support here.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

My best friend is going through something very similar right now. Her wedding is July 8 and she found out in March that she was pregnant- so she'll be 5 months preggo on her wedding day. Since the wedding is being paid for by her parents, everything is going ahead as planned.
But she had a really hard time accepting her pregnancy and felt very similar to you. She really wanted to consider abortion but her FH would hear none of it. So she felt like she was trapped into having the baby (though we all know it takes two to tango.) She has had a tough time coming to terms with being pregnant, and I'm sure the fact she dealt with some serious morning sickness didn't help. She has had to have her wedding gown completetly reworked, they're looking into changing their HM only weeks before the wedding, will need to leave her job, etc...
She was very resentful of these things for a long time, but now she has come to terms with everything and is really becoming excited. I think it's completely normal to be totally freaked out right now. Many of us who were TTC are freaked out when we first get our BFP. But I assure you that with a little adjustment time, you WILL feel differently. The fact that you're even concerned about how you're feeling and that you're giving thought to what kind of mother you'll be- already shows that you care about this baby.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I agree with all these ladies and shared many of your fears.

Here are some !

We are all here for you and we don't judge!

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

I am going through the same thing, and i just deal with it day to day. All i can say is pray for strength. I do feel guilty because i love children, and always wanted to have them, however i don't feel ready. Its been 2 weeks since i found out. One minute i'm smiling just thinking about this baby, and the next i'm histerical crying because i don't feel ready. I will keep u in my prayers.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Don't feel bad at all! You have many changes going on. I don't think you hate the idea of having a baby, but rather its overwhelming its scary so you just shudder from the idea.

Share your fears with your husband. I would just be honest that you love him and want this but its so scary that it is hard for you to feel happy. You have doubts about being a good mom, fear about the future, sadness about the wedding being different than you thought...I bet he reassures in every department. You're going to be a great mom, everything will work out, and the wedding is the tiniest part of a great marriage-its nothing without a great marriage. You have much change and making it this far without losing your mind is a good start. You're doing great and you will make a lovely mother!

Message edited 6/23/2006 10:54:23 AM.

Re: I need to talk to someone- I feel so guilty (kinda long)

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up - everyone has some version of your feelings at some point!

I am 12 weeks and it was planned, and I still have moments where I wonder if we did the right thing and will I be a good mom. I never knew what to do with my brothers kids - a lot just want their parents so don't take it personally if they cry. I am so happy it takes 9 months so I can still adjust!

I hear again and again that it is totally different when it's your baby (adopted or genetic). I can't imagine how nice it will be...can't wait.

Make sure to talk to your DH and let him know how your feel...