Am I putting too many demands on people?

Just wondering...As many of you know, my dad passed about a month ago and I am really aggravated. No One ...Not one person has called my house or my brothers house. Many people are calling my mom but some still have not called her. I am wondering where my aunts and uncles are, where my in-laws are, and where my cousins are. My friends I see daily but it is so upsetting to me that no one cares to pick up the phone. Do you think maybe its becuase people dont know what to say? We are very young kids 27, 29, and 31 and my moms only 54. I would think some people especially family could check up and see if things are okay. Ive always heard "forgive but remember" but honestly if I were to remember all of this, I would be there for no one in the end.

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

to you.

A lot of people don't know how to react in a time like this. I for one am like that. I know some people want to be alone and deal with it while others like all the support they can get from people. I think that is what makes it all so uncomfortable.

I had a girlfriend who's mother was dying and none of us in our group knew what to do. One person in the group spoke to her all the time and filled us all in. That was the best because the girl who was losing her mother didn't want to talk about it. We all left messages with her telling her we were thinking about her but that is all we could do.

Family is another story - they should be there for you, your siblings and your mom. Maybe you or your siblings can talk to them and ask them to be there for you mom.

Good luck.

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

I went through the SAME THING- granted I was a little younger (21) and away at college.

So sorry you are going through this.

First off, a lot of people just don't know what to say. That happened to me. A few months before my dad passed a friend's mom passed and I put off calling her because I just didn't know what to say. I lost some friends for the same reason- they didn't know what to say to me, so they said nothing. Granted, we were all younger, but still- there are somethings that are still tough on people.

Also, since they are calling your mom, they may feel like they are calling you (even though logically of course this does not make sense.)

The best thing you can do is tell people what you need without anger or judgment. You can always tell your friends or relatives when you see them that you would really appreciate it if they would call once in a while to check in with you during this difficult time.

Also, some people don't realize how hard it gets in the months following a loss- when is sinks in and you have to go about your normal routine.

So many people just don't understand, until they have been through it.

It will be OK and you will really learn who your friends are during this time. Its a tough lesson, but a good one. One of my best friends was just a casual friend when my dad died. She really embraced me and took such good care of me, that now she is like a sister to me.

Good luck. FM me if you need anything.

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Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

I dealt with that a little myself. People had no idea what to say to me and some of the family members were such wrecks themselves. I stopped thinking about them calling and started thinking about what I needed to do for myself and my family.

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

I know what you are going through. For me the people you expected to be calling you and checking up on you weren't the ones who did. I agree with the other girls. A lot of times people just don't know what to say. It's also unfortunate to say but it was when I lost my mom that I learned who really mattered most to me and who didn't.

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I lost both of my parents at a young age (both were in their 50s), and they died within 9 months of each other. I found that friends were much more of a support system for me than extended family was. For one thing, it I normally had more contact with my friends and they would have talked to me more often anyway. But, even close friends of my parents were better than some of the family.

I agree with a lot of what has already been said. Some of the family members were dealing with the deaths themselves and are normally a bit self involved, so I think it is just more than they were capable of to call and check in with us. I was very angry with one aunt because she never came to see my mom when she was sick, but called me afterwards to talk about how difficult all of this was for her. She asked how I was doing, but didn't really give me an opportunity to talk much - she was more concerned about unloading on me. I think other people really don't know what to say - especially if the person who died was young. I think it scares them and they feel sorry for you and don't want to bring you down by talking about it. I also found that the friends I had who had lost a parent had a much easier time talking to me about it than those who didn't - they "got it" a little better. But I have friends who haven't lost parents who were there for me simply because they could see how much I was hurting and just wanted to be a friend.

It has been almost 10 years since my mom died and people will still say to me, "I don't know if it upsets you to talk about your mom and dad..." I basically say it is always OK to talk about them, and if I get a little sad or choked up, that's OK too.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if people are distant, it may not be because they don't care, but rather that they just don't know how to handle it. Good uck - I know this is a tough time. It will get easier

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

I had the same thing happen when my Mom died. My 2 sisters and I were all still living at home at the time, and my father was not in our lives at all. So, when we lost my Mom, we lost the only parent we had. Once the funeral was over, nobody (friends or family) EVER called to see how we were doing. Maybe they just figured that if we needed something that we would ask. I never really expected them to call though. I don't know why. When I would see family on holidays and stuff, they would talk about how they couldn't believe that my Mom was gone, and how hard it is for them, and how different everything is now. I guess they were all going through their own grief as well.

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First of all, I am sooo sorry for your Loss!! My thougths and prayers are with you and your family!

I think people don't know how to react. I am sure they will come around.

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i have no words...
just

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I do know exactly where you are coming from...as much as it hurts & upsets you, just try to remember that it's so hard to know what to say.
People just need to realize that a simple "I'm so sorry" means so much.

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I agree that maybe they feel awkward. I am so sorry that you are going thru this and my condolences. Dealing with a loss can be a very awkward situation because people deal with it in different ways. I'm sorry.

Re: Am I putting too many demands on people?

First off MANY 's to you.. I can totally relate to how you are feeling... My DH lost his mom last year and no body called us after wards just to check up on him, or see how things were going.. or even offer support, love or just a darn phone call...

My DH was just turning 24 and his mom was 54. If you ever need to vent... please feel free to.. I did, and the girls here helped me out big time.. Some people just react differently and some people forget that although your mom lost her spouse YOU lost your DAD... and thats the part that $uck$ the most... I am sorry to hear of your loss.. Good Luck!