I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

HI EVERYONE. I AM NEW TO THIS BOARD AS WELL AND AM IN NEED OF ALOT OF SUPPORT. NOT TO GO INTO MUCH DETAIL , MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED SINCE THE BEGINNING OF LAST YEAR, AND BEEN TOGETHER FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS. WE HAVE ONE SON TOGETHER AND ANOTHER THAT IS MINE FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS ALWAYSBEEN QUITE ROCKY. HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY POSSESSIVE AND JEALOUS AND SOMETIMES VIOLENT. ALTHOUGH I AM NOT AN ANGEL,I DO FIGHT BACK SOMETIMES WITH NASTY REMARKS, I FEEL AS THOUGH I DON'T DESERVE THE TREATMENT THAT I AM GETTING. I AM LIKE A SINGLE MOM. I WORK FULL TIME , ( BUT NOT ALOUD TO WORK OVERTIME) I PICK AND DROP THE KIDS OFF, TAKE THEM TO ALL OF THE APOINTMENTS AND SPORTS PRACTICES, TO GET MY NAILS DONE ETC ETC... MY HUSBAND DOES NOT HELP ME WHEN IT COMES TO THAT AT ALL. HE DOESN'T SPEND ANYTIME WITH THE KIDS AT ALL AND WHEN HE DOES, MOST OF THE TIME HE'S YELLING AT THEM BECAUSE THEY AREN'T BEING ANGELS. I CAN'T GO FOOD SHOPPING OR ANYWHERE BY MYSELF WITHOUT BEING CALLED 10 TIMES WHILE I'M GONE ASKING ME WHAT TIME I WILL BE HOME EXACTLY. AND IF I'M LATE, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. NOW IN THE PAST I HAVE LIED TO HIM ABOUT STUPID STUFF, AS FAR AS HOW MUCH MONEY I SPENT AND WHERE I SPENT IT, STUFF LIKE THAT, AND ONLY BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SPEND MONEY. SO BECAUSE OF THOSE LITTLE WHITE LIES HE USES THAT TO JUSTIFY WHY HE TREATS ME THE WAY HE DOES. THAT I'M A LYING PIECE OF YOU KNOW WHAT AND I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED ANY OTHER WAY. IT HA SNOW PROGRESSED TO SOME VIOLENCE. A COUPLE OF WEEKENDS AGO I HAD MY BEST FRIENDS BACHLORETTE PARTY TO GO TO. ALTHOUGH MY HUSBAND WAS GIVING MEA HARD TIME THE WHOLE PREVIOUS WEEK ABOUT GOING I STILL DECIDED TO GO BECAUSE I WAS HER MATRON OF HONOR AND IT WASN'T RIGHT FO RME TO NOT GO. THE NIGHT PROGRESSED AND I DIDN'T DRINK AT ALL . I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE EARLY WITH MY FRINEDS 2 SISTER IN LAWS AND THEY BOTH PROCEEDED TO GET DRUNK. SO ME BEING THE ONLY SOBER ONE DROVE THEIR CAR HOME. IN THE PROCESSMY CELL PHONE HAD DIED . SO WHEN I GOT HOME MY HUSBAND WAS WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE TELLING ME THAT I WAS F&*#KING SOMEONE ELSE AND HE PROCEEDED TO SPRAY ME DOWN WITH THE GARDEN HOSE . HE SPIT IN MY FACE ( NOT THE FIRST TIME) AND WAS THROWING THINGS AT ME. ALL ALONG CALLING ME EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK AND TOTALLY DEGRADING ME. THE NEXT MORNING , I OKE UP TO HEAR HIM TELLING MY TWO SONS, DON'T GO NEAR YOUR MOTHER SHE'S A PIECE OF %@#IT AND WHITE TRASH . THAT WAS IT, I LEFT WITH THE KIDS, AND IN THE PROCESS DECIDED TO GO DRIVE TO ANOTHER STATE AND STAY WITH MY PARENTS. THE WHOLE NEXT WEEK WAS HELL, ANDSTILL HAS NOT GOTTEN ANY BETTER. HE DIDN'T WANT ME GOING TO MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING ( WHERE I WAS THE MATRON OF HONOR) BUT I WENT ANYWAY.. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ANYMORE. HE TELLS ME I'M A PIECE OF **** AND I'M BREAKING UP THE FAMILY AND THAT IS THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO. BUT IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT NOW WHERE I FEAR FOR MY LIFE AND MY KIDS TO A POINT . I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HOPE SOMEONE HAS SOME ADVISE FOR ME FROM A NEUTRAL SOURCE BECAUSE I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M LOOSING MY MIND.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

All I can say is that no one deserves this type of treatment. Your husband is a terrible man for involving the children and telling them that thei mother is *&^%.

Your situation reminds me of a family member. Her husband treated her the same way and he would threaten to kill her. Based on the recent media coverage about men who kill their spouses, I woyuld be very afriad for my life and especially my children. My heart breaks for them because they are innocent to all this & should be living like this. In the long run, they will be affacted deeply by the behavoir you are displaying. These scars are life long, and all I can advise is that you leave this man. I know it's easier said than done, but it can be done. Things will only get worse. You said you left to your parents out of state, why did you return? Does anyone else know about his abuse? I would document it, so you have proof of his abuse.

I'm sorry to say, that you have allowed and enambled him to a certain degree. Think of your children, they don't deserve it.

Message edited 8/29/2006 10:29:34 AM.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I don't know why I went back honestly. Mostly because I didn't want the kids to be involved and I didn;t want to be blamed for taking them out of state eh thereatened kidnapping. But the more research I do now the more I know that he couldn't have done that because of his history. I am just very confused right now. Thank you for your reply. I just have to find the strength to leave for good now.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

You must find the courage you have inside to just leave with your children. It's there, but the hardest thing at times is taking the initial step. Pelase feel free to FM me.

I found a link to a suffolk county group that offers help & advise on demestic violence.



ABUSE

Message edited 8/29/2006 10:57:38 AM.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

Whatever you decide (I hope its to leave - at least for your children's sake) PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE WHAT HE MAY BE CAPABLE OF.

I dated a guy for a few years when I was younger that sounds just like your husband. The last few months he started acted like this. Down to the hose in the winter no less. I could have never predicted how he acted when I broke it off finally. It is going to sound over dramatic to you now but you may need to get an order of protection and keep your location a secret. Please be careful.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

If it's any consolation at all, you did exactly the right thing by taking your children and leaving. No one deserves to be treated the way you were. The only one breaking up your family is him. IMO you should not return to him under any circumstances. What he did was abusive, both physically, emotionally and psychologically. He has done this before and will probably do it again, no matter how hard he tries to convince you that he won't or it was your fault. If you have family support and a place to stay safely with your children, I would seek legal counsel. You and your children have a right to live a peaceful existence. Good luck to you!

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

You need to leave...and now. The fact that you think you deserve this even in the tiniest bit is wrong and you need to know that you are better than that. Stay at your parents and file fofr a restraining order...document everything he says and does...as a PP has said, do NOT underestimate what he may do...

Good Luck and many hugs and prayers

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

like everyone is saying document everything but the only way you can get restraining orders or anything is if you have filed police reports in the past and if you havent then you definately should in the future. you need all the proof you can so if and when you proceed with leaving him you have all this evidence on your side. good luck but you definately need to leave him for your sake and for your kids.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I have been trying to document any conversation that I have with him word for word for the past 2 weeks. That way I have something. Thank you all for your advice I am taking it all to heart and as we speak have been looking for my own place to stay being we do live in his parents home in an apartment. This is a very hard situation harder than alot of people realize . I want whats best for my kids and at this point all of this fighting is just not what is good for them. Thank you all again .

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

There isn't much else I can say that hasn't already been said! I agree with all the others.Please take care of yourself, be careful and keep us posted.

Taking your children out of a situation like that would be the best thing thing you could ever do for them as well as yourself!!!!

We are here for you!

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I am sorry you are going through this You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Wouldn't you rather your children have a happy and safe life - you aren't breaking up the family, you will be creating a better life for them. Be careful about crossing the state lines, though, I think if you are married it can be considered kidnapping.....if anyone knows for sure, jump in here...

Please talk to someone you are close to, call a friend, your parents, sister, someone.....you need to be strong and take the first step - you can do it!!!!

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

First of all, I am terribly sorry that you are going through this. I was once in a very similar relationship when I was younger. It is a difficult situation that many people just can't relate to. I hope you have famiy and friends that you can rely on. I want to say run, because I have been through it. However, I also know how hard it is to run and you can only do so when you are ready. With that said, you have to think of your children and their welfare first. I am hoping that your closest friends and family can help you get through this, because it will only be harder if you are alone.
Just trust your instinct, if it tells you to leave, then leave and don't wait. But in the meantime, I would look for support groups or therapist that can help you and your children.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I know things are extremely difficult for you right now and you are afraid; rightfully so. I'm glad that you left with your children..have you gone back home yet or are you still staying with your family?

I'm not sure where you live but if you are in Suffolk County, you DO NOT need police reports in order to get an Order of Protection. Because you are married , you can access the family court for an Order of Protection. It is a civil proceeding so if you are concnered about him being arrested you need not be.

Everything you described is extremely abusive behavior and you do not deserve to be treated this way. There are agencies that can assist you and give you more information on how to obtain an order of protection and explore all of the options available to you.

If you'd like you can call the 24 hour hotline at 631-666-8833; all information is kept confidential.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Thank you for the information. I really appreciate it. I am going to go to vibs. and talk to them ...

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Please don't stay..I shudder to think of what he's capable of.

Please take care of yourself and your kids. He's not right..there's so much wrong with this situation.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Important Information for All Women:

Below is some very important, life saving information that all women should be aware of. One in four women is currently in or has been in an abusive relationship in the past. Domestic violence knows no boundaries and affects women from all racial, religious, economic and educational backgrounds.

Abusive relationships are based on power and control; the abusive partner going to great lengths to gain power and control over the other partner. Most times, before a violent episode ever occurs, the abuser isolates the victim from their friends and family, control the finances so the victim is dependent on them and chips away at the victims self esteem by putting them down, calling them names, trying to convince them they are not worthy of any other type of treatment, etc. Abuse manifests itself in many forms such as the following:

Physical abuse: punching, kicking, slapping, biting, pushing, hitting with object and/or weapons

Verbal abuse: threats to harm or kill, threats to harm or kill family members and/or pets, name calling, insults, etc.

Emotional abuse: isolation from friends and family, making the victim out to be “crazy” or unstable, blaming the victim for the abuse, etc.

Financial abuse: total control of finances, leaving victim without access to cash, credit cards, etc. If the victim works, paychecks are confiscated by the abuser.

Help available:

1. Relief is available through the courts for anyone experiencing physical violence or threats of physical violence. The Family Court is available to all victims who are either currently or previously married to the abuser, have never been married to the abuser but have children in common with them or if the abuser is a blood relative. The Family Court is a civil proceeding and does not require the victim to have made any police reports. Types of relief available are a Stay Away Order of Protection which means simply that; stay away and a Refrain From Order of Protection which means the victim and abuser can continue to interact with one another but the abuser is ordered to Refrain From things such as acts or threats of violence.

2. The District Court can also issue Order of Protection but the abuser has to have criminal charges pressed against them in order for the court to be able to intervene. Simply filing a police report is NOT enough to obtain an Order of Protection through the District Court; charges must be pressed.

3. Local Domestic Violence Service providers can provide detailed information on the court process, Orders of Protection, police response to domestic violence, accompaniment in court, support groups, counseling, etc.

4. Suffolk County resources: Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence (www.sccadv.org) 24 hour hotline: 631-666-8833

5. Nassau County resources: Nassau Coalition Against Domestic Violence 24 hour hotline 516-542-0404

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

I think you did the right thing by leaving. If not only for yourself, for your children who shoudl NOT be brought up in that kind of environment. I think you took the first most difficult step and I pray you have the courage to follow through with what you know you need to do. Get an order of protection against him for yourself and your children and get as far away from him as possible, as fast as possible. No one deserves to be treated like he's treated you.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Leave and leave immediately. You need to protect yourself and your children. It will not be easy, but this is something you have to find courage to do. Please do not let yourself be abused and once he's tired of you, he's going to move to your chidlren. Keep us posted, please!

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

what's amusing is our wedding date is the same, one yr apart

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Leave as fast as you can. How is it breaking up a family? Do you think your kids are happy in that situation? It is better for them to have no father then to have that father. It will be hard, but you need to separate yourself totally from him.
You will be happier and so will your kids.

Re: I NEED SUPPORT! KIND OF LONG !

Just wanted to add...

I'm from a broken home where my father was/is an alcoholic. Now we were never "abused" nor was my mother. The alcoholism just became to much. If I could go back and make/choose if my parents stayed together I would say NO!!!

That environment is much worse that one that is healthier and controlled. Please take your self and your kids out of it. It is not better to stay together for the children.
IMO it's much, much worse.

Also, children are a product of there environment and are molded by there parents and relatives. They will copy your pattern and accept this behavior for themselves when they are older.


Be strong, have courage, and step forward!!!