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MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

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Redhead
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MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

What's a mother to do?
The debate to work or stay at home rages on within and among moms

BY AILEEN JACOBSON
Newsday Staff Writer

April 12, 2006

Last year, it was "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars." This year, it's "Mommy Wars." Coming next year: A novel called "The Mommy Wars."

Is there a pitched battle being waged - again - between mothers who stay at home and those who return to outside jobs? With each cohort of mothers, the question gets a fresh airing - most often among women commiserating with friends.

But every so often a convergence of studies and books brings the conflict into sharp focus. The weapon of choice in these "wars"? Guilt, guilt, guilt, deployed by both sides.

With titles such as the new "The Wall Between Mothers: The Conflict Between Stay-at-Home and Employed Mothers" and "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety," authors squeeze perennially raw nerves. Women who work are reminded of the baby steps they miss and relive the wincing moments when their children cry as Mommy walks out the door. And women who stay home read about the negative vibes they spread and bad role models they provide their children by feeling unhappy about days filled with diapers and loneliness.

Nobody wants to be a bad mother.

But if there is an actual battle going on, many women say, it is not with other women over their choices, but over the decisions they have made for their own lives. Call it the war within.

"Everyone's choices depend on their situation," says Janice Grackin, 51, a social psychologist at Stony Brook University who stayed at home for 10 years to care for her children when they were young. Talk of "mommy wars," she says, sets "women against each other again, and we don't need to do that. We need to honor and respect each other's choices, and make sure options are available."

Perennial debate

Women have long debated in their hearts whether they should stay home or go out to work. The question is nuanced, the answer never clear-cut. Far from stepping up to the battle lines, women we interviewed, of differing ages and circumstances, didn't want to judge others or acknowledge a state of war. But they admitted ambivalence about their choices.

"I never really felt the tensions among mothers," says Lilly Icikson, 40, who holds a master's degree in public policy from Harvard's Kennedy School. She worked as a consultant in Washington, D.C., for five years before taking maternity leave in 1998. "I always had in the back of my mind that I would return, but I guess I enjoyed being home, raising a son and being with him." Now she lives in Manhattan and also has a 6-year-old son.

(Though some studies identify a slight "opt-out" trend of well-educated mothers leaving work, others dispute it. A recent University of Virginia study found that though at-home wives are somewhat happier, low expectations about equally divided housework influence marital happiness more than whether a woman works.)

"I often wish I could do more outside" the home, Icikson says. She's a PTA vice president and chair of the Alma Maters, a mothers group organized through her alma mater, Barnard College. "But honestly, it [volunteering] hasn't been that fulfilling. It's not the same [as a job]. It's not as exciting." She feels guilty about not using her expertise in affordable housing and is thinking of seeking part-time "socially redeeming" work, she says, but doesn't believe public policy or companies encourage part-time employees: "They make it really hard to go back to work."

Middle ground

Though it's sometimes hard, mothers who feel they must work find ways to adjust. Aroza Sanjana, 44, a Muttontown mother of two sons, 10 and 11, works six days a week at her Brooklyn-based real estate firm, taking only Mondays off. "I need to make a lot of money for the benefit of my children," she says - though she also loves working, she says, and has her husband's full support. Both their mothers worked. She feels even more need for a big income, however, because her younger son is autistic, and she and her husband want to provide for him for the rest of his life.

She left her job as an MCI executive two years ago because of the travel schedule. With her own firm, she says, "I'm home every night," and the family has "quality time with each other" during dinner.

Sanjana couldn't have done any of it, she says, without her parents, who left their Manhattan apartment to live in her home and care for her children. "A lot of people make sacrifices for a working mother. It's not always apparent in the workforce. My parents gave up eight years of their retirement."

You'd think that a mother who works at home has the perfect solution. It's good, but not always perfect. Natalie Johnson, 41, of Valley Stream, who has a 7-year-old daughter, finds a lot to like about working from home as a freelance production editor for scientific journals. When her child was sick, she could continue to work. "In an office, I would have had to call in sick," she says.

But she has no health insurance for herself and hardly any social life. She feels guilt, she says, when she takes time for her own leisure. Before her daughter was born, she says, she thought she'd return to her Manhattan job. "But once I had her, I really couldn't imagine being away from her so long." To concentrate on work, though, she brought her daughter to day care for two, three and then, after her divorce, four days a week.

"Mothering is very fulfilling, but I also like to use my brain," John- son says. She's a working mom, but is often perceived as a stay-at-home "nobody," she says. "The work of motherhood is not valued."

Such a dichotomy is nothing new. Grace D'Alessio, 56 and mother of a 26-year-old son who's a graduate student at C.W. Post, lives in Larchmont and has always worked in Manhattan. At first, she worked part-time, four days a week as an executive assistant in an ad agency. She left at 5 p.m., earlier than most of her co-workers. After two years, she went back to full-time, then got divorced. Her mother cared for her son.

"I loved my work, and I loved being among adults," she says. "On the other hand, I didn't want to leave my child. ... I was always conflicted, always guilty about whether I was giving him enough time, whether I was being a good mother." Her son would often say he wished she'd win the lottery so she could stay home. Now he's more understanding, she says.

She wouldn't have done things differently, she says, even if she hadn't needed the income. "It helped me to be a more well-rounded individual, to strive for higher goals."

Stony Brook social psychologist Janice Grackin's grown daughter just had a baby, she says, so she's been thinking about working versus stay-at-home moms. "She enjoys working, but I don't think she knows how hard it will be the first day. ... It's never easy to leave your child, even if you feel you'll be a better mother if you're out in the workforce, which many people feel, myself included."

The next generation

And now some words from the next generation. Mitsu Chevalier, 19, a Hofstra University sophomore who lives in Hempstead, says she is "one of those people who likes to work, not stay at home. I'm not bashing those who stay home, but I want to work and be productive. I plan to go to law school. My mother is a single parent and she worked. She's my greatest inspiration." Her mother does clerical work. Chevalier has scholarships and a student aide job.

Chevalier, who just finished a child psychology course, says, "I want to have children. I really believe in day care. I believe that the social environment is beneficial to children. ... I was in day care." Some of her friends say they want to stay home but those going to law and medical schools don't want to: "Women are trying to be more self-sufficient, to go out into the workforce and really make a difference in this male-dominated society."

Going at it mama a mama

In the home corner, Caitlin Flanagan, essayist for The New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, writes in her new book about the rewards of staying home with her twin 8-year-old boys and warns other women of the immeasurable losses a mother incurs when she spends time at an outside job.

In the opposing corner, Bonnie Fuller, editorial director of American Media, writes in her new book about the pleasures of participating in an exuberant family life with her four children, ages 5, 9, 15 and 19, while overseeing an empire that includes Star, National Enquirer and Shape magazines. She advises women to go for it all.

Of Fuller, Flanagan says in an interview, "Would I make her choices? Never. She's certainly at the head of a callow enterprise." If Fuller were working for an admirable cause, Flanagan says, her feeling might change. "But becoming the head of a gossip rag and leaving her children every day? I don't know."

Fuller, 49, says she doesn't "want to get into a catfight" with Flanagan, 44, whom she says she'd never heard of. "I don't advocate being judgmental of other women. Everyone needs to make the choices that make her happy. We only have one life, as far as we know. If you have goals for your life, you only have one chance to make it to those goals. I enjoy making magazines that a lot of regular women read across the country."

Hard on the heels of "Mommy Wars" and similarly themed books, two media stars are arriving with their own provocative takes.

Flanagan's "To Hell With All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife" is a collection of carefully crafted essays. She acknowledges that many women must work: "What could be more heartless than highlighting the emotional losses posed to mother and child by their separation because of maternal employment?"

But she highlights them anyway, though she also mentions losses stay-at-home moms feel. She disapproves of nannies, but writes of employing one for three years and adds: "My husband had taken a big corporate job to pay for the type of motherhood I had chosen to pursue."

"Look at my title, 'Loving and Loathing,'" Flanagan says in the interview. "I wrote about the conflict." She also thinks, she says, that most articles on the subject lean "subtly" toward working mothers, because the writer "is a working mother or sits next to one."

Fuller says she wrote her book partly because she saw an opposing media trend. Her book is titled "The Joys of Much Too Much: Go For the Big Life - the Great Career, the Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You've Ever Wanted (Even If You're Afraid You Don't Have What It Takes)."

Magazines and other media, Fuller says, have lately advised women to simplify their lives. Many articles, she says in the interview, "took the viewpoint that women couldn't have it all, that it's impossible, that they should give up the desires and dreams that they had and drop out."

Her book is a series of confessions about her own shortcomings and attributes ("I made my own luck") mixed with snappy tips. She counts herself among women who must work, since her architect-husband is not the main breadwinner. She doesn't mention that she's recently been making a reported $1.5 million a year.

Both authors pay lip service, at least, to conciliation. "I'm not against women staying home if that's what they want to do," Fuller says. Flanagan's bottom-line advice: "My answer is to do whatever you want because you're being criticized either way."

Posted 4/12/06 7:57 PM
 
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BabyAvocado
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

It's so true that mothers are criticized either way. The worst part of it is though that I think both sides (the working mom and the SAHM) feel guilt so it's very much an inner conflict. We don't need, on top of that, other people, other Moms, criticizing the choices we make. I believe everyone makes the choices and sacrifices they have to in order to do what's best for their child. So there really shouldn't be a debate... but there is.

Posted 4/16/06 12:50 PM
 

Redhead
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Jennifer

Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by BabyAvocado

It's so true that mothers are criticized either way. The worst part of it is though that I think both sides (the working mom and the SAHM) feel guilt so it's very much an inner conflict. We don't need, on top of that, other people, other Moms, criticizing the choices we make. I believe everyone makes the choices and sacrifices they have to in order to do what's best for their child. So there really shouldn't be a debate... but there is.



I have to agree....100%

For me...the choice of whether to be a SAHM or a working mom is out of my hands. For us to live on LI both of us have to work.

So for anyone to say anything is kinda silly. It isn't a choice anymore of working or not working...
To live on LI for me it is more of a to have children or not to have them...AND THAT IS FRIGHTENING REALITY!

So since we decided to have them, working full time is the ONLY way.

Message edited 4/16/2006 5:21:18 PM.

Posted 4/16/06 5:20 PM
 

sunny
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by Redhead

Posted by BabyAvocado

It's so true that mothers are criticized either way. The worst part of it is though that I think both sides (the working mom and the SAHM) feel guilt so it's very much an inner conflict. We don't need, on top of that, other people, other Moms, criticizing the choices we make. I believe everyone makes the choices and sacrifices they have to in order to do what's best for their child. So there really shouldn't be a debate... but there is.



I have to agree....100%

For me...the choice of whether to be a SAHM or a working mom is out of my hands. For us to live on LI both of us have to work.

So for anyone to say anything is kinda silly. It isn't a choice anymore of working or not working...
To live on LI for me it is more of a to have children or not to have them...AND THAT IS FRIGHTENING REALITY!

So since we decided to have them, working full time is the ONLY way.





I have to work full time too. Dh is self employed and besides the money, which we need, we couldn't be without the health insurance. I just went back to work and it has been really hard for me for a few reasons. Obviously leaving her is difficult, but to be honest I like working. I like my job and I don't think I could handle being a stay at home mom. I need to get out of the house. But I feel guilty for feeling that wayChat Icon

Posted 4/16/06 10:37 PM
 

MrsProfessor
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

I will also not have a choice, I will have to work.

It's always interesting to me that so many of these articles tend to portray more affluent women, and often ones who work so they can have luxuries. At least, that's what I've seen. I flipped through that Mommy Wars book the other day and all the women were in that demographic too. It'd be interesting to me to read more about how women like me (i.e. NOT affluent! Chat Icon ) manage to make it all work, especially when it's not really a choice. If I didn't have to work, I don't know if I would.

Posted 4/17/06 9:27 AM
 

suvenR
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

my mom worked. It taught me to be self sufficient. I wouldn't change it for the world. But, there were many times when she wasn't very involved with me or concerned with day-to-day things. That kind of suked.

My MIL was a SAHM and I don't think it was healthy for my DH nor was it healthy for her. My DH is the greatest person I've ever met, but can tend to be socially awkward (we're still working on 'sharing' Chat Icon ) and my MIL doesn't know what to do with herself now that her son moved away.

I guarantee it- if we called her right now and said that we'd be at her house at 5 and want a 5 course meal, she'd start cooking right now and be thrilled to have something to do.

Message edited 4/17/2006 10:23:34 AM.

Posted 4/17/06 10:22 AM
 

JRG71
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by Redhead


For me...the choice of whether to be a SAHM or a working mom is out of my hands. For us to live on LI both of us have to work.


Same here - Some times these articles are so out of touch with reality. I don't even read them anymore because I get disgusted. For many of us, working is not an OPTION but a NECESSITY!

Posted 4/17/06 10:37 AM
 

Ang-Rich
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

DH and I have been talking about this more and more as our thoughts shift towards starting a family.

We actually had Bonnie Fuller at my workplace not too long ago to promote her new book and it really was empowering to listen to her talk about being a working mother (in my opinion).

For me it's hard to say exactly what I will do since I'm not there yet. But I tend to lean towards working for our situation. I hate that there is even the idea of a divide between mothers or that women have their own internal conflict over the choices to be made. Overall I think that it's amazing to be a mom and that regardless of your situation, all mom's tend to spread themselves pretty thin - but at the end of the day they get the job done. I admire all mom's for that!Chat Icon

Posted 4/17/06 12:37 PM
 

Goldi0218
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by suvenR

My MIL was a SAHM and I don't think it was healthy for my DH nor was it healthy for her. My DH is the greatest person I've ever met, but can tend to be socially awkward (we're still working on 'sharing' Chat Icon ) and my MIL doesn't know what to do with herself now that her son moved away.




I grew up with a SAHM. Women of her generation were all SAHMs. But now, after 49 years of marriage and being a widow. My mother is unable to figure out what to do with herself. Her life completely revolved around her family. There is nothing wrong with that. Many find that admirable or even noble. However, now she is finding it hard to create a life of her own. Her children (4 of us) all work, 3 of us are married with families of our own, and we simply cannot be with her all of the time. She even asks us what we did all day which leaves me dumbfounded. The rest of the world goes to work. I have to remind her of the 7 college degrees she and my father paid for and all of the graduation ceremonies she had to sit through so we could be professionals. In fact, I am the first generation to be worse off than my parents. No choice - must work.

When I hear men saying "I work three jobs so my wife doesn't have to and she can stay home with the kids." I cringe because those three jobs could ultimately lead to a heart attack leaving her alone and without skills to get a job herself. My answer? Quit your third job. Let her get ONE so she can have a life of her own away from the house before she goes batty. My mom never worked. I'm watching it now.

Posted 4/17/06 1:16 PM
 

hazeleyes33
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

When I hear men saying "I work three jobs so my wife doesn't have to and she can stay home with the kids." I cringe because those three jobs could ultimately lead to a heart attack leaving her alone and without skills to get a job herself. My answer? Quit your third job. Let her get ONE so she can have a life of her own away from the house before she goes batty. My mom never worked. I'm watching it now.


I sooooo agree with you. I don't know if it is the "manly" thing that you can work 24 hours a day so your wife can stay home but these ARE the men who are dying at 40 years old of heart attacks. My husband would love for me to stay home, but it is not possible. I also want to SEE my husband some of the day-lol! My bil works 2 ft jobs and a part time (maybe once a month) and my sister stays home. I am sorry but when she DOES see him, he is always falling asleep. He and his family are all work-aholics which is good in a way but I don't agree with one person killing themselves so they can try and impress everyone. My husband has never been embarrased that I work.

Posted 4/17/06 2:09 PM
 

Blu-ize
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

My mom learned to drive and went back to work when I was about 8..she was part-time and it provided a pretty decent second income. My brother and I stayed home together and we didn't get along. I had a lot of resentment for a while about that but realized that it did her good to go to work.

I'm faced with the same situation now. I'm the breadwinner. DH needs to find another job frankly, but he won't stay home, he doesn't want a nanny or daycare etc..

He would like me to stay home and that would be fine, I would find something to do outside the home and strap the little one to my back and take him/her with me.

My second job is PR related and I could do some of it with a little one in tow for a few years. Sadly, I don't see the second job growing to accomodate a full time income.

Either way you look at it, it's a struggle. But it's a personal choice. My mom worked when a lot of women didn't. I admire her for that, she taught me a lot and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Posted 4/17/06 2:19 PM
 

MrsProfessor
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by hazeleyes33

When I hear men saying "I work three jobs so my wife doesn't have to and she can stay home with the kids." I cringe because those three jobs could ultimately lead to a heart attack leaving her alone and without skills to get a job herself. My answer? Quit your third job. Let her get ONE so she can have a life of her own away from the house before she goes batty. My mom never worked. I'm watching it now.




And families need time together too- I know someone who worked 3 jobs, busted his butt so his wife could be home. She thanked him by having an affair, which she claimed she did because he was never around. Chat Icon

Posted 4/17/06 3:13 PM
 

Salason

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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Message edited 4/12/2008 9:10:57 AM.

Posted 4/18/06 10:00 PM
 

Redhead
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by Salason

Thanks for posting this. I just ordered Bonnie Fuller's book. I have been fired up about this topic all weekend upon hearing that certain family members were saying behind my back that they dont understand how I can be so career-oriented INSTEAD OF family-oriented and its wrong that I will keep my career.

This is quite ironic, since among other things, these family members hardly see any of us and the rest of us are together all the time bc my DH and I fly to see the family at least every other month (how's thats for family oriented?!).

I dont see why its one or the other. I plan to be both career AND family oriented and I'll figure out a way that works for me and my family. I'm not pregnant yet but hope to be in the next yr or so and struggle with this topic all the time now. I really think it's a personal decision and dont judge anyone for what they have decided is best for them so I really dont expect anyone to judge me especially when my choice has NO impact on them whatsoever. My SIL is a SAHM and probably one of my closest friends and the two of us always discuss the merits of the life she has chosen, her debating if/when she'll go back to work after being out for 7 years, and the life I will lead, which will be to work. There's pros and cons to both. As torn as I am about it, I dont think i can see myself leaving my career and I know that we'd struggle terribly without my salary and live a vastly different life from that which we've become accustomed. Selfish? I dont think so. I think its realistic. The family members who diapprove of our choice scrape by each month by the skin of their teeth on 2 salaries but they espouse she'll be a SAHM. When they're actually facing the decision and the reality of living on LI hits them, we'll see how quick they are to judge...

Sorry to kind of hijack but I just REALLY needed to vent on this topic.

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Posted 4/19/06 6:15 AM
 

mommy2bella
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Re: MOMMY WARS (interesting newsday article)

Posted by sunny

I just went back to work and it has been really hard for me for a few reasons. Obviously leaving her is difficult, but to be honest I like working. I like my job and I don't think I could handle being a stay at home mom. I need to get out of the house. But I feel guilty for feeling that wayChat Icon



I am the same way. I LOVE, LOVE my job and I cannot imagine being a SAHM even if we could afford it (which we cannot) I look forward to when I have days off with her so I can cuddle her and eat her up, but I like my work too much...and I also feel guilty about it sometimes, but I am slowly getting over it...it helps that my job is more flexible...

I admire the h e l l outta SAHM's, it's the hardest job in the world and there is no 5 pm whistle...

Posted 4/19/06 2:19 PM
 
 

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