What was your biggest fear about adoption?

My fear has always been that my son might resent us for taking him from his birth country or be upset that he was raised by non-Africans. I am trying to do a lot of research and reading up on the topic of white parents raising black children. I do feel prepared for the childhood stuff that will come up...it is the teenager stuff that is what worries me. Of course, I also worry about Molly as a teen so this is more about parenting, than just adoption.

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

I have a multitude of fears....The first is just parenting itself. This is my first child and I am afraid I will not know what to do when my daughter gets handed to me for the first time. I don't know how to change a diaper, prepare formula, get her to sleep...ahhh. Of course I know all this will go away once she's in my arms but it still freaks me out!

I am afraid that my daugher will not bond or attached to my husband and I. I have been reading a bunch of books on attachment and am hoping and prayer our daugher will love us as much as we already love her.

I am afraid of any racial discrimations she might encounter - more so as a teenager as situations are harder to control then.

And one of my biggest fears is trying to figure out what to say when my daugher asks why her parents gave her away.

I could go on and on but I think everything else just goes along with being a parent : ).

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

1. Health of the child
2. Would he/she be able to attach
3. How to tell his/her story and deal with his loss

Jack is as very healty, he is growing and hitting milestones appropriately. At 2 he was caught up in speach, and motor skills.

He appears to be attached at this point ( 10 mo home) but I may have an evaluation done just to be sure.

#3 we are working on. Right now we give him the basics and thats fine -

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

I have the attachment fear, but that is about it. and maybe the fear that she won't like me, or i won't know what to do to get her quiet if she cries. otherwise my biggest fear is being denied adoption---i won't feel 'safe' we get past the homestudy, then will feel better once we get the referral, will fell much better getting on that plane, then will feel relief when she is in our arms. until then, i feel fear about the whole thing.

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

......."my biggest fear is being denied adoption"---

Wow how quickly we forget - it really is true once you have them home you forget all about the stuff you went through to get them.

When we were in the process I kept thinking every step of the way that something/someone was going to stop us. I just know the social worker would find something wrong with us or our house. Once we actually got our referral I was sure that a Russian citizen would decide to adopt him. When we went to court I was sure the judge would find some reason to stop us an on and on. I honestly wasn't 100% comfortable until all 3 of us were on the ground at JFK.

It will happen - you will adopt your child.

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

The first time wea dopted my fear was attachment issues. AND Funny enough Keeping her alive. I know that sounds funny, but I would have dreams that I would forget to feed the baby, change the baby, the baby would fall and I wouldn't be able to catch it. It was weird, because none of that happened. OF COURSE.

Now I have fears that I won't fell the same way about the second that I do the first.

Jenn

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

I have the same type of fears as I would if I were pregnant -- regular "what if I'm not going to be a good mom" issues....like not knowing how to properly care for the baby....

but my biggest fear is having my child tell me s/he hates me and wants to go back to his/her "real" family. My husband always says that a teenager will rebel regardless, and whether they threaten to leave to run away or run back to their 'real' parents -- it's the same, but I don't feel that way. I feel like that will hurt so much. I am also a bit scared to explain to my child why s/he was put up for adoption, why his/her real family didn't want him/her. I also fear that s/he will feel like an outcast bc of my extremely caucasion neighborhood/school district, esp. bc I plan to raise my child as a vegetarian also. I would fear my child being teased if it were my biological child too, but we all know that anything 'different' makes children more susceptible to being teased. I'm sure it will be fine, but I can't help but worry.

I have to be honest -- it doesn't even feel real enough to me to be really scared yet. I'm more excited that scared. But I can bet you I'll be TERRIFIED once I get the referral. THEN it will be VERY real to me. Like Sandra, I think I have rejection in the back of my head (esp after the ups and downs of infertility -- thinking I was pregnant only to find out later that I wasn't) so I won't allow myself to get really nervous or excited until I know for sure it is going to happen.

Re: What was your biggest fear about adoption?

I was adopted and I'm sure my parents had many of the same fears that you all do. As for explaining to a child why they were put up for adoption, just tell them that their biological parents couldn't give them as good of a life as they wanted you(adopted child) to have. And they made a selfless decision to give you to a family that they knew could give you a better life. My parents always made me feel that being adopted was special. That my parents had waited and planned for me, and couldn't wait to get me in their arms.