Cross Post -- Dear Amy

Couple should adopt new plan, not plea for cash
June 24, 2006


Dear Amy: My brother-in-law and his wife are adopting a child from another country.

The couple has created a Web site about the impending arrival of their child. They are planning a baby shower.

What seems strange to me and my husband about the excitement surrounding this adoption is that the couple also has requested financial donations from friends and family, including setting up a PayPal account to expedite these donations.

We are aware of the costs associated with an international adoption, but such donations to finance it seem something of an affront to us.

My husband and I are proud of their decision, as they are unable to conceive. Nothing is more life-affirming than providing a stable home for a child, regardless of country of origin. I suppose it is the request for money that has us concerned.

As the parents of two children, we understand how much it costs to feed, clothe and educate a child. How can we relate this to them without squelching their excitement about the adoption?

-- A Concerned Relative

Dear Concerned: Your husband should have a discreet conversation with his brother that can start something along the lines: "I'm worried that you and Sandy can't afford this adoption. Is everything OK?"

As you point out, one problem with this is that the expenses of child-rearing only begin once the child is brought home. If a couple can't finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure. Domestic adoptions can be far less expensive, and if this couple hasn't considered adopting an American-born child, then they should.

Raising money in this fashion is a step way above and beyond gathering gifts (financial and otherwise) through a baby shower. Either this couple is very hard up for money or they feel entitled to use their child's adoption as a way to raise funds"

OK I think it is crazy for the couple to ask for donations too but this comment:

If a couple can't finance the mechanics of having a child (whether through the high cost of fertility treatments or of overseas adoptions), then perhaps they should wait for the blessed event until they are more financially secure.

made me absolutely see red!! I just got a statement from my insurance company YESTERDAY saying that all this IVF we just went through is NOT covered - after the clinic said it was!! So now we owe $10,000. WHo the he l l has $10K lying around? Oh should I wait until I am 68 to cash in my annuity, and THEN have a baby?? We need to write a letter to this woman and set her straigh!! OK penile implants and viagra are covered, but IF is not? So we should wait until we have $25,000 sitting around to adopt?? Sorry, when a welfare mom brings home baby number 6 she doesn't have to drop $25K immediately -- quite the contrary! Does this woman have any idea that just the MEDS for infertility run over 8K?? And after one IVF do you just give up?? So now that's 20-25K. Adoption -- I am sure runs about 25K. Except the rich, nobody has this cash sitting around, but we are willing to make it work! Apparently only the rich should be going through infertility treatments, or adoption!! Man she is just soooo off base...

I am just so angry......anyone want to help draft a Dumb-Azz Amy letter with me????

Re: Cross Post -- Dear Amy

I just read that column and had the same reaction as you. She probably has no idea what international adoption cost. She is way off base suggesting "a discreet conversation".

Re: Cross Post -- Dear Amy

OMG, this post has me FUMING MAD! Someone has GOT to send this beeyotch straight! I had something similar happen to me with my IF coverage, and I'm paying off the adoption and medical bills now. Will that make me less able to adequately provide for my child when s/he comes home? Definitely not! How absurd!