Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Well, everyone pretty much knows the horrible time I had the first 7 weeks after I had Ava. I got myself help, though and worked through everything. All the while, JT was so amazing and supportive and in love with Ava. Lately, he's been so withdrawn and doesn't really have an interest in Ava so much anymore. He still takes care of her on his days off, but not without being all pissy about it. This morning she woke up to eat at 6:30am, which I thought was pretty good. So he got up, reluctantly, then as he was feeding her, he scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! All because she spit up. I told him to get a grip because it's not her fault. I don't need him screaming that while he's hold her. That's totally inappropriate. Anyway....
I sat down before to ask him what's going on. He lied and said nothing, then after pushing him, he told me that he feels like this is all too much and there's no way out and that he can't have a life anymore and he hates all this. I didn't know what to tell him other than I can understand feeling that way because that's how I felt when I first had her. However, he seems to think everything will be horrible forever. I know he probably feels that way, but he doesn't get it that he needs to talk about it. He got up and walked away after that and didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I just don't know what to do. I asked him if he was trying to tell me he wants to leave us and he said no, but I felt like he wasn't convinced with that answer. I just cannot believe this is happening. We always had such a good thing and now he's acting like he doesn't even love me anymore. I'm so depressed and sad and scared. I'm so afraid he doesn't love me and Ava and that he wants to leave us

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

First of all .

Secondly - a baby is a very big adjustment and what your husanbd is going through is completly normal. Just support his feelings, let him have some free time so he doesn't feel like his life is over. Show him that he can have the best of both worlds. Hang in there.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I think its just a phase, its really hard for men when babies are that young because they don't respond to them like they do with their mothers....it was hard for us, but now that Noah is older and can react and play, its a lot easier.

It will get better! I promise!!

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I am sure JT loves you--he is confused and nervous about being a daddy--and withdrawing from you (I think that's a man thing--my SO does that--whenever he is mad, he either retreats into a corner and stews alone or he yells, then retreats into a corner)

I don't have kids and I'm not married, so I can't say that I understand, but to you.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I honestly can't relate but I still want to send you

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Thanks girls. I know he still loves me, I guess it's just my fear that he doesn't. I've been trying to give him a little more space when he's home because I know he's overloaded. When he's not at work, he's giving ME a break and taking care of Ava, so I guess, in essence, he's not getting a break at all. I know he's also overtired, and I can be a beast when I'm overtired, so I'm sure that's contributing, too. My mom, my sister and I took Ava all day, so he's been just relaxing since about noon, which is good, and he's taking a much needed nap now. I just don't want him to be unhappy He's the love of my life and I would do anything I possibly could to make it easier for him. It just kills me that he feels trapped

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

i go thru this all the time with my husband. In his defense, he had one daughter 15 years ago, which he had only every other weekend. he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. i came as an oversized package of wife, and 2 boys, complete with exhusband, and then got pregnant. it was all very overwhelming and i think he does the best he knows how even though its not as much as i would like!

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Edited to add... My dh is really good in crisis mode- when everything is falling apart, or any big change, or adjustment- I always take it really hard and he is so supportive and helpful.

When I get it together and am able to deal, that's when he takes his time to adjust and fall apart if he needs to.

Sorry- I am babbling- what I mean is you had a really hard time in the beginning and he was taking care of you, and Ava, and didn't really have time to make the adjustment. So it probably just hit him really hard.

Hope this makes sense. I think he is just taking his well deserved time to fall apart and will get over it.

Message edited 8/22/2006 6:37:51 PM.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this. He is probablly very overwhelmed right now. I was reasding that PPD can affect men as well. Maybe he is dealing with that. If I find the link to the article I will update the post.

Message edited 8/22/2006 6:46:33 PM.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Having a baby is overwhelming and giving him a break once in awhile is good...like you said if he isn't working then he is giving you a break by taking care of Ava...where is his break? Giving him that much needed time today was probably very good for him. Every once in awhile people need some alone time, even Dads. I bet he will be refreshed if he can get some time to himself once in awhile.

Hope things are better

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I'm sorry my friend!

Here's where having a daddy around might help.

Men go through PPD too and it sometimes manifests differently and it has been a rough start for you guys much like my own....

Actually an article on this site
PPD in Men

Regardless, there are still things we need to do whether it be by physically stepping up, emotionally or hopefully both.

Also needs to talk to not only you but a therapist!

Everyone thought I was gonna be Mr. Cool when Hannah was born but I turned into a wreck. I was mess and was not the best suppoter that I could/should have been. A smack in the face of reality and responsibility brought me out of the funk.

I still deal with the anxiety of being new daddy and the changes in our lives BUT it is not about me...It's about DD & DW and when they are good so am I

good luck

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I'm sorry you're going through this I have no advice, but I'm hoping it's just a phase, like others said.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I think in the beginning, I felt a little bit of what your DH is feeling now. For me it was a result of being overtired and overwhelmed. I'm sure that giving him a break now and then and letting him rest will make things MUCH better.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

We haven't even had the baby yet and my DH is there. He worried about money, his job, being a good dad, everything. I think having to provide for us when we are home, even for a short time scares the crap out of them. They are programmed to be the providers so have an extra one to provide for is so scary. I have to add to this is the guy who was desperate to have a child, while I was really scared to so it definately doesn't have to do with their level of motivation to be a dad.

I am sure I will be FM you in 4 months crying about this same issue so keep me in mind as you guys will have survived it.


ETA: He must love and trust you overwhelmingly. Most men would never tell their wives how scared and trapped they feel even though its perfectly normal. That is definately a bright side to look on.

Message edited 8/22/2006 7:36:03 PM.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Thanks again, everyone
When he woke up from his nap, he came out and snatched Ava from me. He spent a good hour on the couch with her singing and playing with her. I KNOW he loves us, I just hate seeing him so sad and stressed. I love him so much and I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man. Sometimes I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like after 6 years, he'll realize he just doesn't love me or something. I don't know. I just never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love him, and I certainly never thought someone would love me the way he does, so it's just almost like I can't believe it sometimes. But I need to separate my fears from how he is feeling because he obviously needs me support now, more than ever.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Have you two had any alone time together? Maybe it would do you some good to get someone to watch Ava for a few hours so you guys can be together and reconnect as a couple.

He's probably upset that things are not like they were before baby came. You need to assure him that now they are different and they can be better.

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

I def. think men go through some adjusting too...

While I know DH is in love with DS- I think he missed "us" and is jealous of how "we" use to be...

Hang in there! Things will get easier!

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?

Mine also went thru an adjustment period.. It was basically all me for the first 3 months and it was so rough, but he just couldnt handle it. Now that Jacob is 8 months old, and can play and interact he LOVES LOVES LOVES any time he gets to spend with him now. Everyone told me it would get better and it has.. just hang in there. You will make it thru..

Re: Did anyone's hubby have a really hard time adjusting?