Please help...feeling so blue

Hi Ladies,

I am a lurker on these boards b/c i want so badly to be a mommy. I just got married and haven't really started TTC yet. I am really feelign down lately b/c my DH previously said that he wanted kids really bad before we were married and after we were married he has changed his mind termporarily. He wants to have kids in the near future but he says we need to work on things. Reason being is because we have huge arguments were i blow up at him. He thinks that this will not be healthy to bring a baby into this world in that type of environment. He is a firm believer in everything being right in his "home". He likes peace. I feel really bad and sort of guilty b/c i caused him to change his mind. I also have some resentment towards him and it is causing me to have an up and down mood. I am trying not to think about being preggos too much but it pops in my head more than like 5 times per day. (as u can see i am still lurking on this board). I dont want to blow up on him about this b/c that will create worse issues. I feel the best thing i can do is calm down, and just stop nagging him about little stupid things.
He did say that I would be a very good mother though.

What do u ladies think i should do? I have already told him how I feel but he says he can't change his mind on this one b/c its a serious decision. I feel like telling him if we dont have kids now then dont think you will ever be having kids with me. I have so much pent up anger.

Any advice would help

Message edited 7/14/2006 4:11:06 PM.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

I definately think counseling would help- both with your anger issues and with your decisions concerning child rearing. Maybe your DH is just afraid that if you have children the problem will get worse. If he sees you are trying to change, it might help.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

First off..I am sorry you are going through this...I know things aren't always easy in relationships and its hard to always see eye to eye...

But...children are one of those areas where its either yes or no. It isn't fair that you went into marriage knowing you were on the same page and wanting children, and now his tune has changed. As much as I love my DH, we could not be married if he didn't want children. Its too important to me to sacrifice. I think that its not fair to you to be denied what you want more than anything...I feel that maybe you two need to go to couseling. At one time he definitely wanted them, right? And comments like you making a great mother doesn't help the situation. Maybe he is just upset at different things right now and is using this one thing as a defense...its not right, but it may be the case. Please think about counseling and working this out. You are entitled to all the happiness in the world!!

Message edited 7/14/2006 3:49:37 PM.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Posted by CkGm

I definately think counseling would help- both with your anger issues and with your decisions concerning child rearing. Maybe your DH is just afraid that if you have children the problem will get worse. If he sees you are trying to change, it might help.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Posted by maybebaby

First off..I am sorry you are going through this...I know things aren't always easy in relationships and its hard to always see eye to eye...

But...children are one of those areas where its either yes or no. It isn't fair that you went into marriage knowing you were on the same page and wanting children, and now his tune has changed. As much as I love my DH, we could not be married if he didn't want children. Its too important to me to sacrifice. I think that its not fair to you to be denied what you want more than anything...I feel that maybe you two need to go to couseling. At one time he definitely wanted them, right? And comments like you making a great mother doesn't help the situation. Maybe he is just upset at different things right now and is using this one thing as a defense...its not right, but it may be the case. Please think about counseling and working this out. You are entitled to all the happiness in the world!!

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Posted by vegalady

Posted by maybebaby

First off..I am sorry you are going through this...I know things aren't always easy in relationships and its hard to always see eye to eye...

But...children are one of those areas where its either yes or no. It isn't fair that you went into marriage knowing you were on the same page and wanting children, and now his tune has changed. As much as I love my DH, we could not be married if he didn't want children. Its too important to me to sacrifice. I think that its not fair to you to be denied what you want more than anything...I feel that maybe you two need to go to couseling. At one time he definitely wanted them, right? And comments like you making a great mother doesn't help the situation. Maybe he is just upset at different things right now and is using this one thing as a defense...its not right, but it may be the case. Please think about counseling and working this out. You are entitled to all the happiness in the world!!

Sorry i should have clarified this. DH does want children in the near future but just not right now b/c of our arguments.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

I'm sorry, i must have misunderstood what you wrote. Thats good that he does want children in the future and can admit that...but counseling is still a great start to work out current issues....

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Here's my 2 cents...You said you recently got married and I don't think you or your DH is giving each other enough credit for the incredible amount of change that brings. It's hard to adjust to marriage....a lot changes. I think some of what may be going on in your relationship has to do with all the changes you are experiencing.

I also think that your "blowing up" at him is just a release of all your frustrations from what is going on. I did that in the beginning too. I would get so upset about him leaving stuff around the house. I felt overwhelmed at times. I explained this is how I was feeling and we developed a way to help us both communicate through it. Since then, it isn't an issue at all. Can you develop some way for him to tell you, you are getting to your boiling point and you need to step back? We used a code word that would make me laugh and we used it once.

You also need to share with him what you are feeling now. There is nothing wrong with him knowing that you are depressed and upset about the situation and want some help from him to make you feel better. That help can just being there to listen.

I hope this helps a little bit. We are always here to help too.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Posted by stephanief

Posted by vegalady

Posted by maybebaby

First off..I am sorry you are going through this...I know things aren't always easy in relationships and its hard to always see eye to eye...

But...children are one of those areas where its either yes or no. It isn't fair that you went into marriage knowing you were on the same page and wanting children, and now his tune has changed. As much as I love my DH, we could not be married if he didn't want children. Its too important to me to sacrifice. I think that its not fair to you to be denied what you want more than anything...I feel that maybe you two need to go to couseling. At one time he definitely wanted them, right? And comments like you making a great mother doesn't help the situation. Maybe he is just upset at different things right now and is using this one thing as a defense...its not right, but it may be the case. Please think about counseling and working this out. You are entitled to all the happiness in the world!!

Sorry i should have clarified this. DH does want children in the near future but just not right now b/c of our arguments.

I think your DH has a valid point.....you should work on your relationship before bringing a child into it....JMHO

Good luck

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

I'm sorry you are feeling this way!

I think if your husband wants to wait then you should wait. I know that's hard. He sound like he wants the best for you, and your relationship. When my husband and I were married, I had always said I wanted to wait a year. Looking back I am so glad we did. I loved my husband when I married him but did not know I could fall even more in love with him now. He is my rock! I think the first year of marriage is great, but still is hard! It's really a good thing that your husband has said he wants kids just not now. Having kids is a big decision. A decision that should be made when your both ready. It sounds like you have a really nice husband and he is thinking about the future. I would say try to enjoy the marriage now, and work out any arguments, and you will be having kids before you know it.

I hope you feel better!!

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Thanks so much for the advice ladies it has really helped me to think about why i have been so angry. I feel so much better after i thought about it. DH is just trying to make sure that a baby will be very happy in our family situation for this I should be grateful for.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

I think your DH is showing a lot of maturity, and by acknowledging your struggles, you are too. Too many people look at a baby as a way to solve marital struggles. As others have said maybe counseling would be a great help in dealing with the transition to marriage, and when you are pregnant you will both be much happier in your marriage.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

There is a lot of wonderful advice here already. I wish you the best.

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Wow, great advice ladies!!!!! Best of luck to you

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

Posted by stephanief

Posted by vegalady

Posted by maybebaby

First off..I am sorry you are going through this...I know things aren't always easy in relationships and its hard to always see eye to eye...

But...children are one of those areas where its either yes or no. It isn't fair that you went into marriage knowing you were on the same page and wanting children, and now his tune has changed. As much as I love my DH, we could not be married if he didn't want children. Its too important to me to sacrifice. I think that its not fair to you to be denied what you want more than anything...I feel that maybe you two need to go to couseling. At one time he definitely wanted them, right? And comments like you making a great mother doesn't help the situation. Maybe he is just upset at different things right now and is using this one thing as a defense...its not right, but it may be the case. Please think about counseling and working this out. You are entitled to all the happiness in the world!!

Sorry i should have clarified this. DH does want children in the near future but just not right now b/c of our arguments.

I think your DH has a valid point.....you should work on your relationship before bringing a child into it....JMHO

Good luck

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

we went through this in the beginning.
DH and I always said that we wanted kids- then a few months into our marriage he said he "didn't know"- we went to counseling RIGHT away b/c this was a huge issue to me. Turns out he DID want kids- he just sort of felt powerless in the relationship and the kids/no kids issue was one thing he COULD control. Now that we know how to communicate it is so much better- and obviously I am PG>

In the beginning of our marriage I went through CRAZY baby desires- all my friends were PG and I really really wanted a kid too. But I am so happy that we worked through and took our time together- we've been married now over 3 years and I wouldn't trade that time back.

good luck

Re: Please help...feeling so blue

I would definetely recommend counseling. Even if you only go for a few weeks. Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship. DH and I went to one for a few months before our wedding and it helped more than I could have ever imagined. You should definitely speak to your DH about it and look into it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Re: Please help...feeling so blue