some advice needed - sorry long

Message edited 12/22/2010 11:04:17 AM.

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

wow what a terrible situation. i can't really say what is best for the boys. i know for myself that although i got to say goodbye to my mother, and was with her for her last breath, i still to this day remember it so clearly and it is etched in my brain. but i was 30 years of age when it happened. i don't know if i could have handled it when i was younger. i am sure that the hospital staff would do their best to make their mother look less "intimidating" i guess you can say. and i think that if they were told what to expect, they would want to say goodbye if they had the chance. i'm sorry i probably wasn't much help. i don't regret getting the chance to say goodbye and i'm sure they wouldn't either.

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

Message edited 1/30/2009 10:38:50 AM.

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

My mom died when I was 28. She had an aggressive cancer and had surgery and radiation. I was home with her for several months in the summer, taking her to doctor appointments and looking after her. I went home at the end of the summer and in the fall I got a call from my dad, telling me that she went to the hospital and things did not look good. He didn't want to pressure me and wanted the decision to be mine, but he indicated that there was a good chance that I might not see her again. He also said that at that point she looked terrible and might not recognize me if I did come. I struggled a great deal with whether or not I should go for exactly the reasons you gave. I wanted to say my goodbyes, but was afraid that the memory I had of her would be the ones of her in the hospital bed and I wasn't sure I wanted that either.

The deciding factor for me was when her sister called to say she was asking for me. I hung up the phone and booked my plane ticket immediately. (It wasn't the last time I saw her, incidentally.) My memories of her immediately after her death were of her being sick, but as time goes by, those memories have faded and I remember her as young and vibrant and the mother I loved being with.

I think they might be old enough to let them make the decision, particularly the 13 year old. I can't imagine not being able to say goodbye to my mom, and as others have said, I was older, but I still think it is important. I have a friend who lost her mom at age 9. Her mom died around her birthday and her memory of the last time she saw her mom is of everyone asking her about the new bike she got for that birthday. she told me how even at 9, she didn't understand why no one would tell her what was going on and she was angry that all they could talk to her about was this new bike. I think she would have benefitted greatly from someone gently explaining to her what was happening.


to all of you. it is a very difficult thing you are all going through.

Message edited 8/1/2006 10:32:49 AM.

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

Awww Barb my heart breaks for all of you guys. I can definitely see both sides of the situation. My mother on her deathbed is an image that will haunt me for life.

But, I am glad I got to say goodbye. And while we all were, I will never forget my brother's statement of "I think we should really go, I do not want to remember mom this way."

I think it might be a good idea to explain to the children the situation and what to expect. They very well may want to do this. On the other hand, they may feel reluctant. Is there any way of gauging their feelings on it right now? How are they dealing so far? By the way, is there some sort of grief counselor assigned to the family? That person may be helpful in helping to deal with the situation. I know that when my mom was dying they assigned us one.

I hope they come to a decision that is best. How tough.

Message edited 8/1/2006 9:43:41 AM.

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

here is how I see it- seeing my Mom in her last hour was tough- it took me a while to get the imagine out of my head- but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way- not to get graphic - but it was awful

allowing them to see her hooked up the machines- would be bad- but not as bad as what I saw

I think in the long run they would be more hurt by not getting to say goodbye

either way S U C K S- and I feel so bad for them- they need to get some counseling right away to help them deal with this- it was hard for me at 27- it would have been 100 times worse at such a young age

Re: some advice needed - sorry long

I will NEVER forget that HORRIFIC image as long as i live. sometimes it will just pop into my head out of nowhere and it makes me just sick. as hard as it is to visulaize, i know that she would have been there for me no matter how hard it was. i still am not sure how i feel about the whole situation. whatever they decide, the really should get counseling right away.