I know this is wrong to say, but....

I really do not like my paternal grandmother.
I have never had a relationship with her really because when I was born, her and my grandfather upped and moved to Florida where they knew no one and liked it that way. My whole life, I knew how horribly they treated my father. They disowned my aunt and uncle (which, quite honestly, I can't blame them for since they're horrible people too, wonder where they got it from?), and my dad has been the one to take care of anything they need. Mind you, we live in NY, and they are still in FL where they STILL know no one.
About 6 months ago, my father finally got them to move into an assisted living facility. They are 91 and my grandfather has dementia, plus my grandmother cannot take care of him anymore (not that she would admit that). Anyway, they move into this beautiful apartment in this assisted living facility and put their house up for sale. My dad and mom went down and packed them up and moved them and did every ridiculous thing my grandmother wanted them to.
Fast forward to recently. My grandmother calls my father and says, "You MADE me move here. How dare you. I am moving back to the house." My father was distraught. After all he's done for this woman, she's just always been HORRIBLE to him. She basically said she hates him. So, she moves herself and my grandfather back into their house (which, by the way, is now in the middle of a drug infested area and my parents heard gunshots at night the last time they were there).

Ok, after all that backstory....here's my dilemma...
When I had Ava, I had horrible post partum depression. It was so bad that I really thought at times that I was going to kill myself. This is no secret, I am open about it. My grandmother KNEW this because my father told her. Over and over again.
Anyway, I didn't speak to her during those few weeks because I barely spoke to ANYONE. So now she keeps telling my father that I'm a horrible person and ungrateful and that he never taught his daughters to do the right thing, etc, etc.
She recently sent Ava her christening gown which is almost 100 years old. Now I don't want it. I don't want to look at this thing. My grandmother is the devil and I do not want my daughter christened in this outfit.
Do I send it back or should I just keep it? I just don't know what to do.
I hate this woman more than I could ever explain and my father will only be free from her when she dies. I feel horrible saying that, but only because I don't wish death on anyone. I just hate her.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I wouldn't send it back, just don't use it for the christening. I feel like if you send it back you are just going opening yourself to more hurtful attacks from this woman. What she doesn't know won't hurt her (about your daughter not wearing the outfit)

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Rach,

You have to do what you are comfortable doing. I would not get rid of the gown because it is an heirloom. However if you are not okay with having wear it then don't.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I'm sorry you're so upset. I would not send it back, but I wouldn't let Ava wear it. She doesn't need the bad vibes. Sending it back would probably do nothing. She is so old and set in her ways, she's not going to change now.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I hated my paternal grandmother too...she too was an evil witch...hated my mother because she wasn't the same nationality as her and therefore hated us...even they we were a mix of both nationalties...yeah doesn't make sense I know...

Anyway...she had since passed away....BUT if she ever sent me anything I wouldn't use it....I would hate what it represented....I don't know what I would do with it but I wouldn't use it

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Maybe I'll just give the gown to my parents to hold onto. Originally I was thrilled to have the gown (I posted about it a few weeks ago), but since hearing the nasty things she said about me, I don't want it anymore.

I have the christening gown that me and my sister and all our cousins were christened in. I think I'll use that instead.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Im in the minority here, I WOULD send it back- BUT I would make sure your Dad was OK with that decision b/c he is the one that will have to hear the flack.

My nana did the same thing to my dad growing up and hated my mom b/c she is puerto rican, nana is german a real natzi- hate to say that, god rest her soul. she put my dad through hell.

she was good to us kids though I have to say, spoiled us rotten.

But- now back to your grandmother- she is 91 , takes advantage and says what she wants when she wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings- Well- its time she tasted her own medicine. Old or not, some people need to be put in their place. She will never stop- maybe this will be an eye opener for her and for the rest of her life try to be a kinder person. good luck!

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

She's old and will never change, I can't blame you for hating her. My paternal grandmother was horrible to my mom and so was my paternal grandfather. They were so racist (especially him) because she was "dark"...anyway, he passed away and it was sad because I never got to have a relationship with him. Some people go through life being miserable. She sounds that way. Who lives in a place for 20+ years and never makes friends?

I'm so sorry Rach!! I have no real advice other than don't use the gown. I honestly don't know if I would keep it. Who cares that it's an heirloom? I would give it back probably! And the older they get the more settled in their views they get, so talking to her or to your dad won't do any good. She's too old.

Don't christen your daughter in the gown if you don't want to. Especially if you feel so strongly about her.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry!!

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I dont think what you said was wrong to feel OR to say. You are human. It is very hard to wrestle with such feelings towards family. People do not choose family members the way they choose friends or spouses. You just sort of "get stuck" with them.

I would also suggest to hold onto the gown but not to use it if it conjures up bad memories.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Posted by MrsProfessor

Posted by prncssrachel

I have the christening gown that me and my sister and all our cousins were christened in. I think I'll use that instead.

Ugh- what a witch.

I think it will mean so much more to Ava down the line to know she was christened in the same gown her mother wore. I'd send it back but maybe wait till after the christening to avoid any fallout before.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Rachel, As Ava mother, you only have to think of HER and not your grandmother. It doesnt sound to me like she ever had an interest in being a part of your life. I MOST CERTAINLY WOULD NOT have my daughter wear that outfit and furthermore, i would send it back and tell her that Ava is wearing somehting else

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Honesttly, I would do what my Dad wanted me to do. I would ask him.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Don't throw away the gown, but talk to your dad and ask him if it would be ok if Ava wore the gown YOU wore and not the one that your grandma sent.

I have no relationship with my paternal grandfather, he is my only living grandparent and only comes around when he needs money. It is sad when people can't be mature enough to treat family the way they are supposed to.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I hear you on the nasty mean grandmother. I have one of those too, except my dad doesn't talk to her anymore. I wouldn't get rid of the outfit, but I wouldn't use it either. Start a new family airloom.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

My Maternal grandmother didn't like me because I reminded her of my father. My parents are divorced. She was mean to me a lot and not a very good mother to my mother. I think given the circumstances you have every right to feel the way you do!

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I also had no relationship with my paternal grandmother. She always treated my mother like she was not good enough to even kiss the ground she walked on. She always treated my cousins better. I can't even get started on this, makes me sick to my stomach.

I'd ask your Dad what to do.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

I like your idea of using the gown that you were christened in and keep the one she sent aside. She doesn't need to know and it will only cause you more grief to get into it w/her.

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Re: I know this is wrong to say, but....

Posted by nymommy2be

I'm sorry you're so upset. I would not send it back, but I wouldn't let Ava wear it. She doesn't need the bad vibes. Sending it back would probably do nothing. She is so old and set in her ways, she's not going to change now.