Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

I'm so fed up. I really am. I will give some back story to help shed light, but to be quite honest, this is just a vent.
Ok, so JT and I have a friend who has basically been one of our bestfriends for years. He is very close with my family and spends most holidays with us because his family is just a mess. He has not dated anyone seriously in the past 6 years, so he spends a lot of time with JT and I. Fine. Well, this time last year, JT and I were getting ready for our wedding. Our friend, Mike, was supposed to be JT's bestman. He started being really nasty to JT over nothing and treating us both like total sh-t, then just decided not to talk to us anymore. So, JT decided to ask another good friend, who has been there for him through thick and thin over the last 20 years to be his bestman. We were really upset, but there was no reasoning with Mike. So the invitations went out, and when he did not get one, it must have knocked some sense into him, and he called and apologized, and JT explained that their other friend was now his bestman, but that we would love to have him at the wedding. Great. Everything works out, we get our friendship back on track, etc.
Fast forward to now.
Mike has Crohn's disease. Now, I don't know much about Crohn's, but I've done some research over the years to try to have a better understanding of what it is that he goes through. And I know that he should be watching what he eats. He basically has a diet that consists of eating every, single thing that he's not supposed to. So now, he's having major medical issues because he is out of remission from the Crohn's. I feel badly for him, but when we call him and ask him how he's feeling, if he doesn't like our "tone" he gets mad and won't talk to us. Then, if we try to let him cool off, he gets even madder because we DIDN'T call him. SO, the other night, we were at his place because we felt like, ok, maybe we should try to be understanding. So he basically starts bashing us and all of our other friends for "not caring about him". He told us, "Well, it's basically like having cancer, and no one even cares." Well, F-CK YOU becuase my husband's mother has had cancer THREE times now, and I can tell you it's NOT like having cancer. I'm just so mad that he said that to us. So I basically told him to screw himself, that I'm sorry he's sick, but I am not on this earth to cater to him and how he is feeling, and that I am having a baby soon, our other two friends are getting married very soon and, while it does not diminish his condition, we all have sh-t going on in our lives. It is NOT our responsibility to take care of him
So anyway. Now I feel bad that I was so mean to him, but I feel like, who the hell does he think he is expecting us to not be mad that he treats us so nasty. He said that we should just "understand" because it's the steroids he's on that's making him nasty, and we should just "deal" with it. Why should I have to "deal" with someone treating me like a piece of sh-t? ARGH

I don't really know what the point of me posting this was. I just needed to get it off my chest because it's really upsetting me. It's more involved than what I wrote, but basically, it's always him treating all of us like we are horrible people because we don't take care of him.

Message edited 4/23/2006 3:08:55 PM.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

I probably would have reacted the same way you did. He has no right to treat you two like that. Sounds like you have been there for him many times and he doesnt appreciate it. Even though he has medical issues, he has no right to act like that and treat you two like dog sh!t.

HE is going to be one very lonely person if he doesnt change his attitude quick.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

wow! Sounds like he is really bitter and is taking it out on his friends.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

awwww Rachel! Sounds like you have done more than enough to try to help. Some people get very bitter and angry that they have an illness & feel everyone owes them.

My DH had a friend who was supposed to be his best man but gave us sooooo much trouble. He has a disability and DH said he always has acted like the world owed him because of it. Needless to say DH no longer speaks to him & my FIL was our BM (much better choice as far as I'm concerned). We sent an invitation to our wedding but he RSVP'd no (Thank God) He had me soooo stressed during my planning.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

I am not defending your friend by any means, and what he said about the cancer was not fair at all, its two totally different diseases. But Crohns and the medications used can make a person very very cranky depending on its severity and can really alter their personality. I don't know how severe this guy is, but my cousin has it, recently spent two weeks in the hospital for it, was bleeding out of every possible place in his body because of it, I mean every, sorry if TMI, he was bleeding out the rear, his penis, internally, it was really touch and go and depending ont he severity it is a life changing disease. My cousin suffers from bouts of severe depression, was recently told he had to quit his current job, which he loves, as a school coach because of the disease and the strains of the job. His whole life is turned upside down because of this and has totally changed him as a person.
Maybe right him a letter, put all your thoughts into it, explain how you feel and what you see happening to your friendship if he doesn't start respecting you more. Tell him not to call you guys at all if he is having a bad day with the disease, cause he knows how he'll be. He should really seek counseling too, for his own health and learning to deal with his disease.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with your friend. While you can't understand what he's going through, being a friend doesn't mean you have to there for him as an emotional punching bag .

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

I totally hear you! He really does need some type of couseling to help him deal with his issues..so he doesn't take his problems out on his friends.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

I have Crohns and thankfully it's mild compared to some.

He sounds like he has a ton of anxiety and depression and he needs a therapist. I have one and it has helped me in so many ways.

You don't need to be subjected to this, but if he's on prednisone that could explain his mood swings. Very hard to control.

He really should seek some pro help to help him live his life with his disease. He may be using it as a crutch.

You are rightfully annoyed and I would tell him so. Tell him he needs to get a grip and seek therapy.

Plenty of people exist just fine with Crohns and go in and out of remission. For me, foods don't trigger a flare..they may make me uncomfortable for a while if I overindulge but the diseased is auto immune and can flare without any provocation or warning.

It's not an excuse for being treated like a doormat though.

eta: antipdepressants also helped me immensley for a while.

Message edited 4/23/2006 5:31:38 PM.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

sorry Rach....i know nothing about the disease so i can't really give any advice...
and although i think people should be understanding about people who are sickly....that doesn't mean you take abuse from them

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

It really does sound like you've done everything for him as you've possibly could. It sounds like he is depressed and going through alot, but as you said, everyone has things going on in their lives. It's also probably difficult for him to see all of his friends moving on too. Not that that is an excuse for his behavior, but it probably adds to his depression. As another post had suggested, maybe you should write him a letter. He should definitely seek therapy if he is not already. Do you all have mutual close friends? Maybe a few of you could get together to talk to him or send him a letter. Good luck.

Message edited 4/23/2006 5:39:57 PM.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

Hang in there Rachel. I'm sure he will come to his senses. He should really talk to his doctor. Maybe he needs to be on an anti-depressant.

To some degree it is probably the steroids but to make the comment about cancer was totally uncalled for.

Try to not let it upset youtoo much - right now you just need to concentrate on you and the baby.

Message edited 4/23/2006 6:03:57 PM.

Re: Ugh. OK, friend issue. Yet again. Very long, sorry!

Thanks everyone. I know he is depressed and we are all in a very close-knit group of friends, and he is basically the only one who is not in a relationship. He also just began getting comfortable with being openly gay and is having a hard time meeting men. So there's tons of other issues going on. I just needed to vent because I really do value my friendship with him, and I know he has had a really rough life up until now. However, I just cannot sit back and allow someone to treat me like a doormat.
I also know that some of his moodiness is stemming from the steroids that he recently began to take, however, it's not an excuse to treat me and my husband like pieces of dirt.
Thank you for letting me vent and putting some perspective on it. Sometimes I need other people's objective feedback