Dh want to wait a year..

to have a baby. I am devastated that he said that to me yesterday. He knows that we have male factor issues, and haven't gotten pg in the 8 months that we're trying, but now he says to wait a year and pay off our debt. He wants to wait so that if we have to go the ivf route, that we'll have the funds to do so.

I'm 37 ladies, and never expected him to say this to me. I even asked him if he wanted children after all. He of course said yes, he does, but we just bought a house, and have some debt (credit cards/student loan). He also wants us to be healthier. We're both very overweight, I'll admit that, but I wasn't going to let that get in our way of getting pg. He says "lets het our house and health in order before we bring a child into the world." Hello azzhole, you're telling me this NOW...

I'm in total shock and am two minutes from getting in the car and NEVER coming back.

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

evrey bit of this emotional roller coaster suckss!!!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Can you discuss with him your fears that you have been trying for 8 months and nothing has happened? Also as you get older it is much harder. I think that if this is something you really want you should sit down with your husband and hopefully get him to see where you are coming from. Good luck.

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

I don't think there's ever a "right time" to have a child. I'm the same age as you, and if I waited to be debt-free, 50 lbs lighter and a homeowner, then it'll be too late to even start!!!

I'd just try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and let him know where you're coming from.

Good luck!!!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Are you saving to pay for ivf? do you have any insurance?

I feel your pain - at 37 myself I am scared to take hardly any time off between IVF cycles

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Hmmm this is a toughie -- being 40 and still TTC, I would say do NOT wait... and that your DH needs to understand this. Sure we can all improve things in our lives - our weight, our wealth, better house, bigger car - but the fact is, none of these things will give you that baby. They may make things easier, but will we ever be "ready"?

37 and 8 months trying -- you may be approaching premenopause and it will only get more and more difficult and risky as you get older. SOrry to be a Debbie Downer but I wish someone had told ME the score when I was 37 and going ON the patch.

Talk to your DH, talk to your GYN - and maybe together. He needs to understand where you are in your reproductive life right now. And besides, God gives us 9 months to get ready!!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Maybe try talking to him again...although I'm sure you've tried...I hope he comes around...

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

I hope it works out for you. Waiting ANY amount of time after wanting to be pregnant is tough. If you talk to him and let him know that you've been trying for 8 months and even if you got pregnant tomorrow you wouldn't have a baby for 9 months, that's almost a year!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Thanks ladies. Nice to know I can talk to you guys when he won't listen.

He wants to wait because his insurance won't pay for ivf and if we have to go that way we won't have the money to do it anyway.

I'm going to speak to him tonight. I really don't want to wait and maybe there's some kind of compromise we can come up with.

to all!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

I'm sorry, it's never easy when the DHs have different views.

Like everyone else has said, if we all waited for $$, house, etc we would get nothing done.

What about a compromise with you and DH? Instead of 8 months what about Feb 2007? this way you both have time to get healthy, pay off some bills, etc.

Also mention to him this - if you see an RE in Feb, you still may not do an IVF cycle until April (you might be put on BC, or just testing, waiting until the right day of cycle, etc)

Good luck to you!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

I did an IVF in May and will be paying for it today. And I got them to give me some discounts. There are studies and grants out there -- but NOT for women 40 or older. As Donna said, everything takes time. . . .

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Posted by karacg

Hmmm this is a toughie -- being 40 and still TTC, I would say do NOT wait... and that your DH needs to understand this. Sure we can all improve things in our lives - our weight, our wealth, better house, bigger car - but the fact is, none of these things will give you that baby. They may make things easier, but will we ever be "ready"?

37 and 8 months trying -- you may be approaching premenopause and it will only get more and more difficult and risky as you get older. SOrry to be a Debbie Downer but I wish someone had told ME the score when I was 37 and going ON the patch.

Talk to your DH, talk to your GYN - and maybe together. He needs to understand where you are in your reproductive life right now. And besides, God gives us 9 months to get ready!!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

WOW...what a hard thing to have to face. I would be mad to be honest and I would insist on not waiting, because Age is just TOO much of a factor. But Thats just me.

I think bottom line is you have to explain your reasons to him so he understands, which is NOT easy for men to do, and you really have to be calm and not angrey if you want him to see your point.

Please let us know what happens.

Wishing you so much luck!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

My DH did the same thing to me last year but he said he wanted to wait two years! I was 36 at the time (37 now) and really didn't/don't feel like I have the time to waste. He had similar issues - paying down debt, getting settled etc.

I ended up telling my dr about it and she gave me some stats to give to DH to give him a sense of what I'm facing with the infertility treatments.

I understood DH's feeling scared about our financial situation, so together we worked out a budget to work towards paying down debt and increasing our savings WHILE TTC.

Needless to say, that was 10 months ago and we're still TTC but DH is on board and supportive now.

Good luck to you!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Men!!! Just talk openly about it - who knows he may turn around tomorrow with a different take on things! Still -if you keep trying you have 9 months to get financially secure!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Posted by MrsBSD

My DH did the same thing to me last year but he said he wanted to wait two years! I was 36 at the time (37 now) and really didn't/don't feel like I have the time to waste. He had similar issues - paying down debt, getting settled etc.

I ended up telling my dr about it and she gave me some stats to give to DH to give him a sense of what I'm facing with the infertility treatments.

I understood DH's feeling scared about our financial situation, so together we worked out a budget to work towards paying down debt and increasing our savings WHILE TTC.

Needless to say, that was 10 months ago and we're still TTC but DH is on board and supportive now.

Good luck to you!!

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Not a good idea to wait. I wish I could take my waiting years back. I waited because I wasn't ready and NOW I have been trying to 5 years!!!! I just assumed it would happen when I wanted....boy was I wrong! Now its just harder because each day I am getting older!!! I hope you can talk DH into still trying! Good Luck.

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

Well, we decided to wait to see an RE in February, but will still pray for a miracle before then.

The main issues are financial. We have no coverage for ivf or iui with Dh's insurance, so it will give us some time to save if we have to do these proceduers. He apologized for getting me so upset, but understands the urgency of this. He's scared of the whole process, of what I have to go through and of what it will do to me if it is not a success. I love him for that, but he needed facts and I gave him those as well.

His dr told him his male factor issues are "borderline" so he's just taking that as give it some time and maybe we can conceive naturally. I'm not as optomistic as he is, but since I am healthy and will continue to eat better and excersice, I will commit to waiting. It's hard...but I'm gonna try.

Thanks again ladies for your kind words.

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

not to add fuel to the fire, but, DH was in the low end of the 'normal' range, according to some recent SA, but on our last IVF 8 eggs were put with his sperm and none of the sperm made it to the eggs

Re: Dh want to wait a year..

I'm glad things are working out. As for finances, there are some possibilities - there are NYS grants, INCIID gives out scholarships and I think it's Columbia (you can do a search) that is offering low cost IVF.

there is also natural cycle IVF, with little to no meds and it's less than 1/2 a regular cycle.

Good luck to you!!