Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

My very close friend had made me the Godmother of her little boy. She actually choose me over her and DH's family members, because she really doesn't have anyone that she is overly close with. I was honored.

But now I feel bad, in the past we had discussed making each other godparent to one of each others children. (DH and I don't have any children yet). So it was just conversation. So anyway last night we happen to be talking about it, I casually said that before we would be making her a Godmother, I have a lot of family, both form my and DH's side to consider.

The minute I said it I knew that she was a hurt. She took it gracefully enough, but she said that you don't always have to pick family to be a godparent first. I know she is totally disappointed, so I'm not mad at her, but I hoped she would see how important it is for me to make family godparents first.

So what do I do now? Should I feel bad about this? Do you think that she should just understand my point?

TIA

Message edited 1/6/2006 11:41:22 AM.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Thats got to hurt and be awkward but I really think that she chose you as God mother because you were the closest to her. That doesnt mean that there is an automatic reciprocation. My DH is godfather to his best friends child but it just cant be the same back. I have a brother and a sister and Dh has a sister and we also have a huge family. See now I would say that you "could" make co-godparents but I dont think you should nor would I. Pick who you feel is the most appropriate. Its your childs life and she chose you and you need to choose whats best for you.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

I agree with PrincessP. Pick who you are the closest too. I am godmother to both of my best friend's sons. She didn't feel like there was anyone closer to her than me to be the godmother. She will most likely be the godmother of one of my children (Hoping for 3 someday), but not the first. My sister will be godmother to our first born. My best friend already knows that and understands that. I'm sure you're friend will come around. She might feel a little hurt at first but I'm sure she'll understand.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

My BF and I never discussed that we would be each other's child's Godparent but I was in a similar situation.

First of all both my BF (of 20 years) and her husband are only children so her kids would have no biological aunts and uncles. When she became pregnant, SHE constantly talked about how she was going to name her daughter Meghan Theresa... middle name after me and I would be the Godmother. I NEVER asked her this, never brought it up it was always her. She did this repeatedly and even told our other friends.

So she has the baby and I call her answering machine to leave a message (we were playing phone tag and I didn't have the hospital's number, she was in MA) and I hear the announcement that "Meghan Emily" was born W T F, she was the one who initiated the idea and made a big deal about it. I was p i s s e d.

A few months later she calls DH and I and asks if we would be Godparents (no Christening) really meaning legal guardians. I said I would discuss it with DH. Doid not say I would be honored because I was still upset. Then I ask about legalities if God forbid something did happen to them (my mom died when I was young) and SHE got offended and chose her DH's very young and very irresponsible cousins.

We are still friends but DH and I decided that if and when the time comes we will be chosing his sister an not my friend.

I can understand why she was upset but she never should have assumed if you didn't agree.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

that is tough...My cousin recently asked me if she was going to be Godmother to my future baby. I laid it out then, with probably not since I have 4 sisters. She was shocked, mainly because she does not have any sisters so I always fill that role for her. It is hard, and I can understand how someone would feel hurt. The Godparent picking is such a tough one.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

I think some people are not close to their families, or have very rocky relationships with them and it can be hard for them to imagine why you would want your family more involved in your life than they do in theirs.

I know for me, if and when we have children, I will choose family first as godparents, just as I chose my sister as my MOH when I was married. We have our ups and downs and sometimes she drives me nuts, but she is my sister and we have a bond that I will never have with another person in my life. I can understand why other people would not choose a family member for that role, but a true friend should understand why you would want to.

I also generally wait to have those conversations until they are necessary. Things change too much to make certain decisions that far in advance.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Thanks ladies. I just feel bad, that she is hurt over this. . . and it was a hypothetical conversation, I just hope it isn't worse when I actually have to make the disision.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Message edited 1/7/2006 4:03:40 PM.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

my sis picked a friend for my neice's godfather, and she NEVER sees him.

my one friend has 5 sisters and her 3rd child she was TELLING people that i was the godmother. She had the baby, and asked her sister. Then said it was becacuse i wasnt married yet, so she likes to picked married couples ( not true b/c she didnt pick her sisters husband) but i totally understand.....its family!!

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Someone is going to get hurt no matter who you choose - either a family member or your best friend. I'm pretty sure she understands your point but is hurt nonetheless. Why didn't how important making family members godparents come up when she made you godmother? I'm not saying once you make a promise, you need to keep it - things change between friends. I do think it is somewhat unfair if everything is the same between & there was no falling out.

I chose DH's sister to be my firstborn's godmother. My older sister was hurt over it, but I said that was my choice. DH chose the godfather & picked my older sister's husband - which I have to say, although unintentional, smoothed over a lot of hurt feelings.

I know a couple that decided that none of their family members were going to be godparents - they would only pick close friends. Their reasoning is that their siblings are already aunts/uncles and they want to expand their child's family.

When the time comes, you pick the person you feel will do the best job -depending on what definition godparent means to you. For DH, it was a person who will help our child stay on the religious path we choose for him & her. For me, it means the adult who will advise my child as I would want them advised when they need help but can't come to us because we're their parents.

If you think picking godparents are hard, wait until you do wills & pick the couple that gets custody in the event of your death...that was a huge can of worms.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Message edited 1/7/2006 7:30:29 PM.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

DH and I will have a hard time with this decision as well. DH has a twin brother and a sister and I have a sister. I'm not ok with DH's brother being the GF, because I can't stand his wife. I honestly believe that she is a terrible, cold hearted ******. If God forbid something happened to DH and I, I would roll over in my grave if they were the ones to raise my child. My sister and I are super close, but she's very selfish and I'm not even 100% thrilled with the way she raises my niece. In addition, she has some serious health issues. So I don't know if I'll be able to make her the GM. So that's leaves DH sister, who is the youngest of the bunch, but I feel she would be better suited than anyone else. I know that DH's brother and my sister will be beyond offended, but we have to do what we feel is right for our child.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

I just wanted to make sure that everyone was aware of this...

choosing a godparent has nothing to do with who gets custody or parental rights of your children in the unlikely event of your death.

if you don't name some one specifically in your will, your child will go to the closest blood relative that the law decides.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

This is a good point and I didn't say this before. I would also choose my sister as a GM, because she has similar values as my own. While I love many of my friends dearly, I am not sure they would guide a child the way I would want them to - mainly things that do with religion and lifestyles.


I just wanted to make sure that everyone was aware of this...

choosing a godparent has nothing to do with who gets custody or parental rights of your children in the unlikely event of your death.

if you don't name some one specifically in your will, your child will go to the closest blood relative that the law decides.


That was what I was thinking also, and although I know that today godparents are kind of a nice formality and not legally binding, I guess I would just prefer someone closer to my and DH's values.

Thanks for all you help ladies, I apreciate your advice a lot.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

Oh & get her a wand & name her "Fairy Godmother" - they're much more powerful...

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

It's true...no matter who you choose, people get hurt. Me and DH have big families. I have 3 sisters and I didn't choose them because we picked my SIL and BIL (SIL had lost her father in a tragic accident and I thought that this would be a nice thing for her to be the godmother). Anyway, I did discuss with my sister (who chose me as godmother to one of her children and DH as godmother to another), what we were doing, because I thought she would assume that I would pick her and I didn't want her to be hurt. I wanted to tell her why we made that choice. Funny though, when SIL and BIL had a child, we never found out who the godparents were, even though they weren't reciprocating. I don't think reciprocation is necessary and it is a hard decision, but you can at least let the person now your thoughts so they don't feel bad.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

I think someone always ends up with hurt feelings. Sometimes it is needless worry. I have a very dear childhood friend of over 20 years. She is like a sister to me. She has three wonderful children. She has lived out of state since she wed 10 years ago . We talk daily through emails and phone calls and yearly visits. Around the birth of her last child, she became very "distant" from me. I had no idea why. Like she was advoiding me. When I called to rsvp for her sons baptism, I very innocently asked who the god parents were. She became very quite and just said my friend. I got the feeling from her that she was assuming I would feel hurt for not being picked. (She had picked other friends for the other children.) She said, I did not know how to tell you. Honestly, I did not think it was going to be me. I would have loved to be asked. But she must feel closer to these other three girls she chose as god mothers. I was a little hurt, because she knew them alot less but there must be a close connection. I think it is sad though, that none took the time to fly out to actually be there for the actual baptism. However, I still love her children. Send boxes on birthdays and just because and still feel as close to them as if they where mine own nephews.

Re: Trying not to hurt anyone when choosing a Godparent??? (Kind of Long)

I agree with Nshoremommy. Someone will always be hurt so I would pick what you want to do. My bro and sis n law are expecting in the summer and I am already totally aware that my sis n law will just keep picking her sis over and over again because thats the way she is. Oh and of course we dont have a brother in my family Sooooo....her brother gets dibs on godfather.