Lanabean
Yoginis
Member since 11/05 9202 total posts
Name:
Lana
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This made me PIMP! Recap of America's Next Top Model
Written by J. Harvey
Previously - Jaeda got her head buzzed, and Monique's psychotic, dirty panty-wielding *** got sent home.
Melrose and Michelle of the twins chow. Everyone is thrilled that Monique is absent. The girls have a leggy lesbian orgy in the shower. Melrose complains about the noise, but it's just misplaced jealousy that she wasn't asked to bring her soap on a rope. Stoned rocker Megg looks up from her bong long enough to call Melrose a *****. Do Megg's eyes even open? ***** is a stoned pigeon.
Jadea complains about how she's mistaken for a boy since her shearing. Since? Come to terms, Jaeda. This episode seems to be all about vapid girls and their vapid body issues. I think I'd rather watch Tyra's vapid talk show. Anchal lets us know she felt she was ugly as a lass, with braces and glasses. She's also the one girl in the house who has tats, and hips and eats a lot at breakfast. And looks like a ferret. Ok, she didn't say that, but I did. I'm just keeping it real.
Tyra mail. The girls are going to have to bend over backwards or something equally vague and retarded. I love watching these bims try to puzzle out Tyra Mail. It makes me feel better about not understanding certain t-shirts. The girls meet up with this very interesting looking black model with freckles named Stacy. I recognize her from The Fifth Element and we learn she is also a judge on Canada's Next Top Model. Yes, Canada's Next Top Model. Which is the same as France's Most Successful Deodorant Salesman or China's Most Embracing Of Newborn Females. They have to try and emulate the poses of this contortionist guy. How do you know you're a contortionist? You can suddenly put your face in your own taint? The girls are put into some L.A. Gear workout togs circa 1985 and have to start assuming some positions. Anchal is flexible and Melrose is spitting venom all over it. The girls rest for a bit and Anchal is all why am I still fat if I'm flexible. And Melrose tells her to go for a run once in awhile and pretty much calls her fat ***. Anchal insists that she does, and Melrose goes into an overbite of mockery. Anchal doesn't get why Melrose is concerning herself with Anchal's body. Because she's a dyke like all models. All I'm getting out of this is that no one looks good in leg warmers, no matter how pretty they are.
That night, back at the house, Melrose wears that curly black wig that Jan Brady wore when she was trying to become someone else. She holds court in the hot tub and starts cutting ******* up. Anchal gets the worst of it, mainly because she eavesdrops. AJ tries to console Anchal. Brooke narrates that the girls are going to dinner and she is so gunning for a Noxzema commercial. Twiggy shows up for some free food and doesn't bother taking off her Blu-Blockers because she's drunk. Twiggy's there to talk about changes in poses in the modeling industry. Which is a subject on par with nuclear testing in Korea and illegal immigration. Melrose is racing to shove her nose in Twiggy's ***; she's quite the contortionist herself. Wasn't the last time Twiggy was relevant around 1967? Why is Anchal sitting beside her? She was just cutting her *** up. Melrose mugs Twiggy for a hug.
The next Tyra Mail is about catty ******* and getting knocked off pedestals. Brooke thinks American Gladiators is about to be re-enacted with bulimic head cases. The girls meet Asian dramaturge Bao Tranchi. This ***** is animated. She lets us known she's well known for her decadent creations and for her incredible modesty. Get over yourself, Bai Ling. The girls are going to be art installations - wearing Bao's creations while they pose on pedestals. A jewelry lady comes out to supply jewels to accompany the ensembles. Bao tells them to go, go get amazingly beautiful. It's like Memoirs of a Douchebag with this lady. The hairstyles evoke raped bag lady. Melrose looks so challenged with her hair slimed across her face. No one showed for this show. Bao isn't that amazing.
Tyra meets with the girls for her cycle #7 fear lecture. Melrose immediately hops in, and says she's 23 and scared of how old she is. And even Tyra doesn't want to hear from her ***. You can detect this by the faint fisheye she gives her. Jaeda talks about her hair problem. Tyra tells her it's a compliment to Jaeda that she saw something in her that could handle short hair. What a blessing for Jaeda. Tyra asks if there have been any interpersonal problems in the house. Melrose talks about finding strong things in each other. Other girls give her the fish eye. Obviously Tyra knows Melrose is talking trash, and Anchal brings up Melrose backstabbing her. Tyra's thrilled that she brought up some horror for her to exploit. Tyra's sadism grows exponentially with her ***. Anchal never had friends, and she thinks no one will like her. Jaeda feels Anchal is fake. I feel that Anchal is a ferret. Tyra talks about Naomi Campbell and being scared of her. I think that's the smartest emotion Tyra ever had. I would rather be a quadriplegic trying to escape Ted Bundy than deal with Naomi Campbell. You can not let that girl get in your head, Tyra warns. Melrose is scared that Tyra will see her as the mean one. Well you are now, Monique's gone.
Tyra mail. Something about freaks of nature. Ms. Citrus meets up with them in the desert for a circus-themed photo shoot. He's wearing a shirt the exact color as my Cottonelle Fresh Wipes box. The girls have to represent different types of circus freaks. They make Melrose the young body with the elderly face to cause her nightmare to come true. NEVER tell Ty Ty your fears. She's a pudgy Freddy Krueger.
Today's special guest is Atoosa Rubenstein, editor of Seventeen. It's been quite a few millenniums since she saw 17. Some of the freak makeup is interesting. Mr. Jay feels the twins' Siamese twin makeup is interesting and complex i.e. incest dykey. Melrose ends up looking like the mother from You Can't Do That On Television. I'm waiting for her to pour a bucket of slime on Alanis Morrisette's head. Megg's shoot sucks, and she cries. The makeup artist tires to console her but is she just looking for some kind bud to smoke. Everyone knows Megg's got the best ****.
Tyra mail. Caridee reads it in huge sunglasses because she just smoked some rock. Megg and AJ smoke some of her kind bud outside and Megg reveals that she feels the competition is destroying her soul. No, that was Monique's nuclear stankpanties. You've been infected. For some reason, the editors show us Jaeda squeezing into a body shirt as if to remind us she's got breasts and to distract from her package and Adam's apple.
Judging. Tyra looks like she's experiencing some stomach upset like she had some bad Baja Fresh. Her boobs are huge, and mottled. What is up with her? What has producing done to her? Is she ok? Maybe all the manipulation and sadism has caused a karmic backfire on her ***. Atoosa is present, and Christian Ricci and Fairuza Balk, and early Winona Ryder and the chick from Evanescence need to cash it in because she is straight up Scissorhands. During the judging, Tyra admits the fashion industry is all about brainwashing America. Is she pulling a Mariah? If she wheels out an ice cream cart - I'm out. She springs forth with this revelation because of Eugena's bird woman circus freak portrayal. How is that beak brainwashing us? Atoosa is harsh on Man Mountain Jaeda and Jaeda looks ready to kick her Neil Gaiman-reading ***. Tyra gives Jaeda advice exactly opposite from what Mr. Jay gave her and as she thanks them and leaves she is thinking one word in her mannish head - "c*nts". Nigel admits he likes Melrose's old lady face picture mainly because he's a sexual psychopath and is wearing vibrating panties as we speak. He also likes woman with colostomy bags. Megg gets burnt, and cries. A lot. Even as Crackhead Caridee cracks it up. Atoosa admits she wanted an elephant snout like the one Caridee wore. Tyra imitates an elephant, and she doesn't have far to go.
Megg is STILL crying. Judges judge amongst themselves. Brooke wants to be on a cupcake according to Twigs. Twiggy feels that Megg is unstable and scary. I feel that Twiggy's alcoholism is scary and unstable. And whoa, she picks MEGG as the scary. Unstable one? Caridee just killed a production assistant so she could sell his watch for some Oxycontin. Twiggy finds Jaeda's abs are too masculine and they need to tell Nana Twigs that they are DRAWN ON in her photo. Dumb limey. Tyra goes to her retarded place to axe the girl. She has been eating way too many Hot Pockets. Really, it's all downhill from here. Megg's gone, but it's ok because her career in narcotics dealing is very lucrative as long as she cuts back on smoking her own ****. The other girls are upset, mainly because some didn't get the chance to sample her Maui Wowie or to sleep with her. Megg lets us know that she's all good, and is going to start a two woman band and sing and model. Heh. Good luck with that, Tegan and Sarah. I can smell the bong water from here.
Message edited 10/12/2006 3:43:03 PM.
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