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Step Mom - kinda long , please help
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jersee3380
He's here!!
Member since 5/05 1372 total posts
Name:
caroline
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Step Mom - kinda long , please help
Message edited 1/12/2006 2:32:25 PM.
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Posted 1/8/06 5:16 PM  |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
etd
Message edited 3/18/2006 12:54:29 PM.
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| Posted 1/8/06 5:23 PM |
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Mrs-Boop
My Babies
Member since 5/05 4956 total posts
Name:
Jaime
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
Posted by jersee3380
So, I need some insight ...
My DH and I married in Aug 2005. We were together for a year before that, and his 12 yr old son (13 now) was always decent w/ me. I told him right from the start I wasn't looking to replace his mother or anything like that, and he seemed cool w/ it. We only saw him every few wknds and alway joked around alot and had fun.
Anyway, afew weeks after we were married, we found out we're pregnant. When we told his son, everything changed. His attitude is awful, he has an answer for everything, he's nasty to his father AND me, very unappreciative ... I mean, the list goes on and on. I should probably add, that we are not very close w/ his family after a falling out over them not coming to the wedding. So I can only imagine what they've been telling him, which is why I think he is acting so awful towards us.
Anyway, this leaves me w/ such (i'm going to use an awful word here) hatred towards the son and I don't want him around. (He lives in RI and we live here on LI) Everything he says is "Remember when Mommy did this..." or "Remember when WE did that..." it's like he's still living in the past (like the rest of his family, they barely ackowledge I'm his wife).
And now that I'm pregnant, I DEFINITELY do not want him around the baby. He has no conscience and I just know he would do something to hurt the baby. My mother and I agree on this. When I have talked to DH about how I feel, I basically just say I don't like the way he doesn't respect us in OUR house. DH agrees but it really doesn't go any further than that ... there's some discipline, but the kid knows in a few days he goes back home and daddy can't say anything about what he does.
How can I get over these feelings? Has anyone else had a situation like this? I think we need counseling to deal w/ him.
Please help!
WOW, I am not pregnant, but holy cow, you just described my stepson lately to a tee. I am starting to think it may be the age. My stepson just turned 13 and I recently have the SAME EXACT feeling of hatred towards him. I don't say too much, because I don't want to jeopardize his time with his father, but lately he has been soo nasty, selfish, acting like a super spoiled brat, and every other word out of his mouth is my mom this and my mom that. For me, its to the point where I kinda don't want to be around him and shy away from doing things as a whole family and let DH just take him out and I usually blame it on lack of money or something.
I know this is very difficult for you, it is super hard work being a step mom, trying to be a friend, yet not threaten their mothers place. I don't have kids yet, but I swear, I think it, I know it will be easier to raise my own kids than trying to help raise someone elses.
I think your step sons age is a huge factor here, being 13 a LOT changes as i am finding out, but I think you guys have to try and get him super excited, that he is going to be a big brother and you are going to need his help. You are going to need him to teach his new sibling stuff, maybe that will help. Let him help you pick out some stuff for the new baby coming, maybe take him to the toy store and tell him to pick out a few things that he thinks the new baby will like to play with and things he can use to teach the baby stuff, He may like that and feel really included. Does he have any other siblings with his mom?? If not, this is all going to be new to him and when the baby comes, he might even be another new person and want to spend more time with you guys. Its so tough at that age. I truly fear the day we get pregnant and tell my stepson, a few years ago he was very excited at the prospect of having a sibling, but now, with his new attitude, I kinda feel the way you do.
I am here is you ever need to talk. Maybe we should introduce our stepsons to each other, its scary how alike they sound.
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| Posted 1/8/06 6:40 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
I am also not a stepmom, but I agree that it is probably his age, and the fact that now, your marriage is REAL to him. You are bringing another life into the equation and he is probably feeling left out. It does not excuse his behavior, but to me, this seems like a very classic scenario of dad remarrying and his child from a former relationship feeling "replaced". Remember he is a child, and that he is probably not able to completely disect the reasons for his actions. I really think a family discussion would be good, and also some reassurance, regardless of his attitude, that he is and always will be a huge part of the family. Try to involve him in things that have to do with the baby and bring out the positives of being a big brother. If this doesn't work, family therapy will really help. You do not want to alienate your stepson, I'm sure, so try everything you can to include him. Good luck
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| Posted 1/8/06 7:20 PM |
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McSullivan
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Member since 5/05 1573 total posts
Name:
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
I'm not a Step-Mom, but I am a Step-Child - and find that I am almost always on the kid's side. As difficult as it is being a Step-Mom, it's almost impossible to be on the other side of the table. How long have his parents been separated? His age is a huge factor also. He is still a child. He may not understand how he's feeling and the appropriate way to express himself. Be careful here. When my parents get remarried, they made it a point that they came as a package and not as individuals. I don't know your step-son, but unless he has a history of violence, etc., I don't think he's going to hurt the baby. Family couseling is a great idea. Just remember you are the adult in the relationship between the two of you. Good luck, I hope it all works out!
ETA: I was 12 when my little sister was born. I was overjoyed at the prospect of being a big sister again (my other sister is 13 months younger than I am). I had some concerns - as is normal. My step-mother misinterpretted my feelings. This could have set the tone for my relationship with my little sister, but with some open communication, disaster was averted. I'm very close with all four of my siblings.
Message edited 1/9/2006 10:58:48 AM.
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| Posted 1/9/06 10:52 AM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
I have to agree with McSullivan. First, when you got married you knew you would deal with a whole host of issues besides the normal ones. unfortuantely this kid was born to parents that fell out of love with each other. He is just a kid. You should go to counseling before your baby is born. Maybe the baby will help to bring you all together again. It's quite obvious your stepson is worried that the baby will take his place with his father.
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| Posted 1/9/06 11:47 AM |
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sunnyplus3
:)
Member since 11/05 8749 total posts
Name:
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
the first year of marriage was really tough-I have a 12 yr old SD & my DH is stepfather to my 18 year old son. The kids REALLY were bad for almost a year & my DH & I had a hard time dealing with it. I guess the marriage makes it real for the kids & I'm sure you being pregnant makes him feel weird too, plus boys that age are obnoxious. I'd say family therapy is a great idea.
GOOD LUCK!
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| Posted 1/10/06 5:19 PM |
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Mrs.B717
LIF Infant
Member since 5/05 251 total posts
Name:
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Re: Step Mom - kinda long , please help
I am a step-daughter and my step-mom got pregnant when I was 19. I had a lot of emotions about it, as I am sure your step-son does. Since your step-son lives in RI and you guys live on LI I would imagine he is probably jealous of this new baby. This new baby is going to have it's father living there, going to it's soccer games, and other functions when he only gets his father on certain weekends. I know that even at 19 I felt jealous becuase I didnt live with my father growing up and that this new baby was going to have the father that I didnt.
Please remember that you are the adult, and feelings of hatred toward the child are not going to help the situation. Try and talk to him about his feelings. Make him feel as much as a part of the family as you can. I am sure to him it feels that you are starting your own family that he is not part of. I know that I sometimes feel that way. (it doesnt help that my step-mother plasters pictures of her kids on the walls and not even one of my wedding photos...but thats another issue). I hope that what I said helps you see it from his point of view so that you can work through this.
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| Posted 1/20/06 5:36 PM |
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