Times have changed...

Last night I gtg with 3 old friend... the 4 of us were very close throughout highschool, and for the most part have kept in touch (via email, telephone) ever since.

As I sat there last night, and listened to our conversation, it made me very sad- because all I could think was "wow this friendship is over."

We are all in totally different places in our life, and a couple of there lifestyles- just isnt for me (drugs, partying)

When I think about how things use to be (w/ one of the girls specifically) It breaks my heart- because I miss "us" so much. However all I wanted to do last night is come home...

They totally expect me to accept their lifestyles- however they do not respect mine.. They cant accept that midnight on a work week- is my limit (if I even make it to that ) Not only do I have to get up and get myself ready- but my infant son as well. They cant understand- why I wont go out clubbing with them..... I love to dance, have a few drinks, and have a great time- but for me personally, I just dont think its appropriate, and truthfully- Id rather be home, asleep- with DH and my son! Have I become a total grandma????

One girl dosent even work, and the other lives off her parents- and all but one is single... so they have the time to do all this stuff....where as I just dont...


W/o going into details an old mutual (some of the girls are still friend with her) friend is preg.- and some of the things she is doing while preg. isnt exactly "kosher", and I just cant believe how they accept it.... As I heard there background and morals, it was almost as if I didnt want to be around them ever!

I hope this dosent sound like I think Im better than anyone- because I dont- to each their own- right? But that dosent mean- I have to agree or like what they choose to do either...


Ahhh... I dont really know the point of this thread- I guess just to vent... I would just vent it off to DH- but Id prob get a big old "I told you so" and since- Im really upset- i just dont wanna hear it!

Thanks for listening!

Re: Times have changed...

I totally understand how you feel. I'm the first of my friends to get married and have a baby, so now it's like we can't relate to eachother at all. We're all at completely different points in our lives. My one friend TRIES (bless her heart), but she just does NOT get it, nor do I get her and her lifestyle most of the time. It's so sad, because you want to hold on to your friendships, but at the same time, you don't want to remain friends with people that don't understand you any more and vice versa.

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Marissa, I get it too. While I don't have any children, my old group of friends are at very different places in our lives and we just don't click the way we used to. Sometimes I go out with them thinking it will be "like old times" and am disappointed when it isn't. At the same time, I don't see our friendships having the ability to grow together. It's become painful (for me) to see them, and I think I have to start phasing them out. I'll try not to let the sadness become bitterness, and remember how they have contributed to my life. There are some really great memories.

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Unfortunately, this happens all too often. It stinks that your friends cannot understand where you are coming from. You have some really good memories of these girls, which is great. Try to remember that when you think back on your friendship. I am sorry that your relationship with these girls is jsut about over.

Re: Times have changed...

Posted by baghag
and I think I have to start phasing them out. I'll try not to let the sadness become bitterness, and remember how they have contributed to my life. There are some really great memories.

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I think anytime you go through a major life change - marriage, children, a big move -- there are certain friends (some you may never have expected) whose lives are so drastically different from you that you can no longer relate. It can be sad to let go but you may reconnect somewhere else on your life's journey.

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totally understand where you're coming from. I have a bf since the 4th grade. We live 10 minutes apart and dont' keep in touch often anymore. It's sad when ya think back how it used to be etc... but everytime we do try and get together or even talk on the phone, I wish we never did.
For me too, when I'm out these days, I often want to just be back home with my family

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Marissa -- it is very different for me with a lot of my friends also. I had rekindled an old friendship, someone I was best friends with from 7th grade through college -- last summer....and it seemed to be going well, but when Emily was born there was so much pressure for me to go over there and to do all these things with her that I just wasn't able to do. Not with a newborn baby --- and we kinda fought about it and I stopped replying to the e-mails and the phone calls where she would basically give me ultimatums about spending time with her for our friendship. I figure that it is better this way. I don't want a friend right now who isn't going to support my life and my family. I am happier with my friends and family who are in support of it and don't try to make it out like I am doing something wrong because I put my baby first. My family will always come first.

It is sad because we were great friends and had a lot of good times together but I have new things in my life that just make more sense fr me right now.
-Melissa

Re: Times have changed...

It's definitely sad to see a good friendship fade, no matter what the reason.

While you're at different stages in your life now, it doesn't mean that you will always be. Eventually (hopefully), everyone grows up. When they get married, go on to have their own kids, etc., you may find that you can rekindle your friendship with them.

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I hear ya. Though I wouldn't say I was young when I got married (I was 26) I was the first of all of my college friends, and it is weird talking to them now...They are talking about all the guys they are hooking up with, spending $250 on designer jeans (we are saving for a house so I am not doing the buying I did when I was single anymore)...It's hard. Sometimes friendships just need to fade away when what you had in common isn't there anymore.

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Friendships definetly take turns here and there as we all enter different phases of life. I guess it's normal for interests and priorities to change.

Even friends I consider very close still haven't met my son, which I find odd.

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I can totally relate.

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It seems as if your friends are on a different page in their life. It's sad that they can't see what's important to you.

I have a friend who tells me all the time that he wishes we could go out and chat/have coffee/drive around like we used to. One time he even suggested I just drop off my son at my mother's house so we could hang out like old times. It doesn't work that way anymore...

Re: Times have changed...

You're not a grandma...you're an adult. I was one of the "friends" you're talking about. I was a party girl and did my thing (that's as much as I'll say) before accepting the fact that I needed to get my sh!t together and be an adult.

I'm lucky that my friends decided to stay my friends, even though they were married, had kids, homes and basically became responsible, respectable adults. I often hated the fact that things couldn't stay the same, but I guess I can chuck that up to just being selfish and not wanting the things they wanted at the time.

I wouldn't right off true friendships right away, unless you just know that you will never accept the way they're living their lives.
I'm now married, just bought a house and am trying to have a baby, and love to get together and share of our lives...it took a while, but I got there eventually.

HTH!

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If I may answer as the friend who was the last to get married and has no children.....

As many people have said, people go through different stages of their lives at different times. I actually had the opposite experience, where a group of about 6 of my friends all planned their weddings and got married in the same 2 year period and I started to feel very left out when we would get together and felt like they were so consumed with their weddings and then their children that we had nothing in common anymore. I was not even dating anyone at the time and felt like I was doing a lot of interesting things that they weren't interested in at all.

I didn't write off the friendships, though, because I felt (and still do feel) that they are good people. I also realized that their priorities were different than mine at the time (which they should be, I wouldn't expect them to put me before their husbands or children). Eventually, as the children are getting older, things are sort of cycling back again. They have more free time now, and look forward to spending a night without husbands or children and are more interested in what is going on with everyone else. I have other friends who I don't see or talk to very often because our lives are so busy, but we seem to pick up right where we left off, even after 20+ years of friendship.

I guess what I am trying to say is that relationships change as we mature and if they didn't, I think they would be boring. If both parties value the friendship, and really want to maintain the relationship, it will last. I do think one of the sticking points is whether or not you have similar values. I have stopped seeing or talking to people when I realized that we have both changed and don't really have the same value system. For me, that is tough to get past and I find that I don't really enjoy spending time with those people anymore. Sometimes it's tough, but the good friends will stick around, even though your life is very different from theirs.

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So sorry Marissa

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I have no children but.... I can totally understand! My Friends are all single (since im pretty young). None of them really have serious boyfriends and live at home. WELL im married. Mike and I have been together since im 14. He really is my oldest friend (all my older friends have moved away except 1) I like to be HOME with him enjoying married life and my house and some people just don't get it. They want me to go out and party. Im in bed by 10 pm

Plus we have a mortgage I don't have money to go out drinking.

I understand

Re: Times have changed...

we have all gone though this at some poijnt and time in our lives, people change. We change and our priorities change, it's part of "growing" up or "growing" out. DOn't feel bad, it $uck$ but you are happy with yourself & your life so in the end that is what matters!!!