Getting ready..

for bad news. This was my first IVF and as you know things werent great with my follie counts, but we ended up with one great and one decent embryo. I have been trying to stay cautiously optimistic. For the past week I have been feeling different , tired (although this happens often) but also crampy down there, and having agita and at times nauseau. Of course I didnt have any of this with my first PG.

Well I broke at 10dp ER (I know that is a shocker to all of you) and started testing. BFN's, ok still early I thought. Last nite I had some spotting, which I think is weird since I was 11dpER and on PIO. This morning 12dpER I POAS again, of course I peed on the wrong side (its 4AM and I was half asleep) but the control line still turned pink...again BFN.

So now I am starting to prepare. I know hope is not lost, and the RN even told us a great story about a BhCG BFP after 3neg BFNs, but...

I feel like if I dont start preparing now I am going to lose it on Thursday when I have my beta if that is negative.

sorry to be such a downer

ETA: OH yeah and one of my good friends called me Friday to tell me she was PG wioth her "second happy accident". Gee I am just so happy for her

Message edited 1/16/2006 4:53:41 AM.

Re: Getting ready..

OK now I feel so much worse I left here to check in on my 2ww thread on IVF connections. Well, my cyle twin got a BFP on Saturday. And there are so many other BFPs, with every one I read I just feel worse. Its now 5AM and I cant stop crying. I dont think I can go back there until this is over. HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE IT TO THURSDAY!!!!!!

Re: Getting ready..

Aww Pauline...every pregnancy implants at different times. Some pregnancies are early bfps and others are later. I know what you mean about preparing yourself but I also know that it's not necessarily 'over'. I will say a special prayer for you ...that your bfp will appear shortly !

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Oh Pauline, I hope you get a BFP!!

you'll be in my thoughts! I'm going to think positive!

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Paulina...please don't be so negative, it's way too early. Wait until at least Wed. if you are going to test yourself. You may not have the same levels of HCG as others.
Think positive thoughts!!!!! There was a good embryo, that's a good thing!
And you are in my prayers for the next few days!

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Stay strong..

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Oh Pauline

Im so so sorry your going through this right now. Its so unfair and Im sending you a million feel better vibes!!

But you know Im honest to a fault, so Im not gonna sugar coat it..because It does you no good. I Dont know what to say , I dont know HOW you will make it till Thursday, I just know you WILL, and I dont know how your gonna handle it if you are not PG, but I know you WILL.

Im not gonna say everything is going to be ok, because Well it wont be if your not. But you will make it through it. That Im sure of.

Nothing any of us can say will stop the racing thoughts, the what ifs and the desperate prayers to be PG your feeling. But your not alone. I DO understand what your going through, so much so I wish I could make it better just thinking it, wish I could just "think " you PG just to end what must be some of the worst feelings anyone ever has to feel.

All I can think of to say is hold on to hope. Its the only thing that gets me through sometimes. And while your hoping believe you will be blessed with another baby. Its the pain of wanting it now that hurts the most, but if we can get past that just a little bit sometimes we can regain hope and know that if not now, then someday you will. Dont worry about the details, insurance, and the IVF failures and all of that, just KNOW you will have another baby, no matter what it takes, you can make it happen, theres always that hope...

NOW that Im done with my lecture which I m sure did nothing for you...lol......I will have a little hope...and say that you KNOW it could be too soon to test. I dont know where I heard it but I read that with IVF's the process is slightly unnatural so the embryo actually takes a little longer to implant as the body is trying to recoginize it as not something foreign and so the hcg takes a little longer to produce, and you still have all the chance in the world to be PG. The spotting to me is a VERY good sign and I wouldnt rule it out yet. IF it was implantation spotting, well you wouldnt get a BFP for a few days IMO.

POAS makes it so much harder for me. Is there anyway you can not until its time for the Beta? I realized this month, even with AF late and all my hoping, that it was actually EASIER when she came, instead of all the days of BFNS I normally get and the depression for all those days before.

Ok, this is long, so I will just say if theres ANYTHING I can say or do to help you in the next few days, you know all you have to do is ask...

And Im not giving up Hope yet no matter how I may have sounded that you are PG...Im still praying for you!

S

Message edited 1/16/2006 9:26:02 AM.

Re: Getting ready..

Thanks ladies. Again you guys are amazing.
Donna- I ALWAYS appreciate your honesty. It does make me feel better and you all make me feel not so alone.

My DH has no idea what to say to me, I am sure he is feeling his own sadness and my even my best friend whose home I am at, I can tell is really trying to say the right thing, but its just not the same. It took her a year to get PG with her second, but it happened spontaneously and she has 2 beatiful kids. My goddaughter loves my son so much and they play so nice together. Right now he is still asleep and she is setting up his train tracks for him. It makes me sad my son doesnt have a little bro or sis to play with.

I am really going to try not to be such a downer. I dont know if I can stop testing, now that I have started. I already tested again this morning and BFN although if I hold it at a certain light I can hallucinate another line

But really.... thank you all so much!!

Message edited 1/16/2006 9:35:18 AM.

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Pauline I don't know what to say.... I hope to God that you get a BFP but being realistic, I can understand how you are feeling right now. As Donna says, somehow you WILL make it through this... and we are all here to support you!!

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Pauline, I am so sorry, I hope you can stay positive. Its going to be the hardest thing for me too when I start IVF (staying +ve)

I'm praying for you

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Please stay positive...when do you go in for your beta??
You just may be testing too early

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Pauline, I'm thinking about you. I wish I had something to say that might make this easier, but I don't.

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Pauline,

I am sending you lots of and I will be praying for you.

Stay strong...Thursday will be here before you know it.

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Pauline,

I just want to say that I totally understand what you're feeling, having been there too many times myself.

I know its hard to believe, but there is still hope. I have seen it happen.

I am always here if you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever.

((((HUGS))))

ETA- I know what you mean about preparing. My DH BEGGED me not to do any HPT's on my 3rd cycle, so, as difficult as it was, I did it for him. That was, by far, the worst negative that I had to deal with b/c I wasn't prepared. Do what you have to do...

Message edited 1/17/2006 9:46:43 AM.

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