Just a little vent, (sorry, if its too long)

I feel so bad for my dh. He has as 12yo daughter from a previous marriage and his ex might as well be a child herself. I am always nice to his ex because of his daughter but now I want to say something (I wont, because I dont want us to fight). Anyway, her whole family moved to florida about 2yrs ago, and she wanted to go. I feel bad for her, because she doesnt have any family up here, just friends, but why should my dh not be with his daughter. Also, we always have her because his ex likes to go to happy hour every fri night and since she is single is always going out to try and meet someone and my dh spends alot of time with her. We asked his daughter if she wanted to live with us and she said no, that that wouldnt be right to leave mommy. Anyway, after months of crying phone calls at work at home, on his cell (and I mean months and many phone calls), he spoke to his daughter about moving to fl and she told him she wanted to go, since he remarried and her mom told her that we probably will be having a baby soon (we never talked to her about it), and her mom was so unhappy up here yes, she wanted to go, so on xmas eve and a huge argument (between dh and ex) he told his ex they could move to fl june of '07. She'll be 13 going on 14 and she could fly by herself (to visit) and this way he felt she would at least have ny schooling up until the 7th grade.

Well, yesterday we are getting ready to go out, his daughter calls and asks if she can go to fl this june. Then his ex calls and says she spoke to the daughter that morning and convinced her that going to fl this june would be better. I felt so bad for my dh, why cant this woman understand that this is his daughter too. We could go to court for custody (and probably win) but thats not what his daughter wants. I am staying out of it, because all I can do is support him in whatever decision he makes, and he's actually thinking of letting them go, even though he would be very unhappy.

I know there is nothing else I can do but support his decision, but I know he is going to be so unhappy.

What would you do?

Re: Just a little vent, (sorry, if its too long)

I have been thinking about your post for the past hour, thinking what I would do. Its tough. I think you're gonna have to let her go. Saying no will just cause her mother to be super negative about you both causing her to resent you. And you don't want that. Who knows, maybe your SD will get down to Florida, not like it and want to come live with you, or when you do have kids with DH, may want to come live with you to be with their sibling. Whatever it is though, sounds like she really want to try this out and even though it stinks..bigtime for both of you...you have to let her do this. Luckily, Florida is just a two hour plane ride away. Just make sure you come to some agreement with his ex about when she can come to visit, school vacations, holidays(make sure you get some), summer vacation(maybe she can stay for a month. And also discuss plane fare with the ex, she should definitely have to pay for some of the trips to see you since she is moving. And you and DH can go down their for vacations and have her stay with you too. Its tough, but sounds like she really wants to go and ultimately keeping her here, with a mother driving stuff in her head will only cause other problems. My DH's ex mentioned a couple times moving with his son to North Carolina, but never did, but DH said he wouldn't have stopped them back when all the talk was going on. I wish you guys lots of luck and hope everything works out for the best of everyone!!

Re: Just a little vent, (sorry, if its too long)

I definitely see where this could be extremely upsetting and chaotic at the same time. I think you are playing a strong role by staying "behind the scenes". For now i think its best for the 2 parents involved to batlle this out. If you were to get involved, the mother would look at you as if you were the devil. I think you might want to keep an open relationship with this mother bc she is going to be in both you and your husbands lives for a very long time. I would say your best bet is to stay strong for your husband. Talk to him and encourage him...he will then be able to use your thoughts and values when relating to his wife and his daughter. She may end up going but you will be better off with her going on good terms rather her leaving on bad terms. Good Luck to you and your family

Message edited 1/29/2006 11:12:44 AM.